


Angel

by curiobi



Category: Dean/Castiel - Fandom, Supernatural, Supernatural (TV), destiel - Fandom
Genre: Belligerent Sexual Tension, Confused Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Explicit Sexual Content, Fem!Cas, First Time, Girl Castiel, Intense sibling bickering!, Multi, Other Surprise Characters from Supernatural! - Freeform, Possibly perverted Dean!, Protective Sam Winchester, Red Lipstick Fetish, Sex, Sexual Obsession, Surly Bobby and that's how we like him!, Team Free Will 2.0, Throw me a little love good people and Please Review if you like what you read ;), Uniform Kink, gender switch, girl!Cas, intense jealousy, please give kudos to poor striving writers generously!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2017-12-25 00:24:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 70,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiobi/pseuds/curiobi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>Something unexpected happens to Castiel.... <em>and Dean is not exactly helping matters! </em><br/></p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface: Synopsis, Characterisations, and Notes.

## 

##  **Sam and Dean's Characterisation in "Angel" **

The main characterisation for Sam and Dean in this story comes from supernatural 7x10 “Deaths Door”. This sadly is the episode where Bobby *sob* I'm sorry, I can't, the grief is still too near, and believe me there is nothing so outrageously unacceptable as Bobby dying in my story! – anyhoo the characterisation for Sam and Dean can be found in this episode where Bobby is reliving his last memories of Sam and Dean, if you notice they are bickering non-stop, first about whether chuck Norris could kick jet li’s ass (as if! jet li, can kick just about anyone's ass, don’t believe me, check out the long line of asses he kicked in real life competition before he took up acting!)

In the last scene of the episode where Bobby only has one memory left of his boys Dean wants to sit on the couch next to Sam saying “move over jerkface show some respect for your elders” to which Sam replies, “move over yourself asshat” then they argue about liquorice, Dean saying it's nice, Sam saying it's only nice if you’re a girl (?! Excuse me, I'm a girl, and I say liquorice is the taste of pure republican/Tory evil!) anyway they are bickering up until Bobby's memory fades and the creepy-ass reaper on his tail asks” Bobby what it's going to be stay or go”, -and excuse me if they wanted Bobby to agree to go they might have sent someone better to collect him the that guy, because who in their right mind would go anywhere with that creep willingly!

So in rambling conclusion, Sam and Dean bicker virtually non stop in this fic!

##  ** Castiel's Characterisation in "Angel" **

In this fic Cas is very much returned to the somewhat clueless state of season 5 after rebelling, and falling, and finding his powers were inconsistent and he had no idea how to make his own decisions. Consider supernatural 5x3 “Free to be you and me” (oh, look that rhymes). In that episode Cas wants to trap the asshat Archangel Raphael and no one will help him but Dean, two things stand out in the episode, 1; that Castiel is completely clueless when it comes to interacting with humans for any extended period of time, he actually thought he could just tell people they had seen Angel’s and there was a war between Angel's and demons and they wouldn't freak out in the least… (oh dear), and 2; - in regards to Deans Characterisation towards Castiel-  that Dean ( ~~Jensen~~ ) was being somewhat perverted in the scene where Cas asked him for help, licking his lips and looking like he wanted to eat Cas ( ~~Misha~~ ) because the way Cas was asking (begging) for help, may have momentarily inadvertently triggered Dean's latent (yet overt) sadistic side (yeah Cas, beg me with those pretty lips of yours) if you catch my drift.

Needless to say things went from bad to worse, with Dean teaching Cas a lesson he came to regret when he told him ‘we’re human, when we want something really bad we lie… because that’s how we become president’ then Dean was surprised when Cas lied to him to become president (of all the Angel’s) in season 6! (I have that as one of the main driving forces that caused Cas to go uber dark side in my Blood Junkie fic).

Then how of course can we forget the extraordinary scene where Dean dragged a poor helpless unsuspecting Cas to a brothel and they were thrown out when Cas tried to explain to “Chastity” why her father left her as a child and she went ballistic… (oh dear), Cas didn’t understand what he had done wrong even when Dean tried to (somewhat creepily) explain that the “industry runs on absent fathers”.

Cas has no idea what he's doing for most of that episode, and two things are clear, 1: that he's as always trying to protect Dean, like when he covered him with his super raincoat when uncle Raphey got super pissed and blew out the windows almost shish kebabing Dean, and 2: that DEAN WINCHESTER IS A TERRIBLE INFLUENCE! As the slightly-insane-with-rage archangel Hester says clearly in supernatural Season 7x21 “Reading is fundamental”“why should we give you anything after everything you have taken from us, the very **_touch_ ** of you corrupts, when Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was LOST! And for that you're going to pay”. Hester was then about to smite Dean, Cas stepped in to save him, (as always) and when Cas was almost smited, Meg put Hester down and was all like what bitch was rabid, somebody had to do it, ahh meg.

So Castiel is very much back to being as he was in season five, afraid, clueless, (adorable) earnest (and willing to bitch slap Dean if necessary) however, this story is set midway season seven. Cas did try to become god, did marry that flipping Daphne person, (step off heffer, Cas is spoken for, keep your hands of Dean's Angel!), there are some changes, Sam doesn't have Lucifer in his head and is fine from what I can see, (go figure!), but of course in this story Cas never broke Sam's wall and was able to heal him after death put his soul back and erected the wall, so he doesn’t have a wall any longer and he's just plain old (occasionally evil blood drinking, I'm kidding) Sam.

Also there are not leviathans about the place, (because they get on my ample tits), because we have our own problems to deal with here and wibily, slimy, maniacal, Mensa-cannibals are not one of them. Let's just say a few got out and a resourceful -and clearly hygienic- set of hunters stumbled upon them and the three or so leviathans were unceremoniously boraxed, sharp axed, and disposed of, and let's have an end to that!

Cas is remorseful for his actions to an extent but he didn’t unleash monsters on the world here, or vaporise thousands of Angel's, he just tried to take over, (because someone had too) failed spectacularly, and to everyone's belief died.

Also there is slightly more respect of Angel's as divine creatures and blasphemy, this is mostly on Sam's part who wants Dean to respect the fact that Castiel is an Angel of the lord, as to his mind Castiel was trying to make the world a better place and has always had their back. Dean, it should be said doesn't give a shit and his attitude that they're all dicks with wings has not changed one bit!

Bobby, you will be glad to know, is very much alive and as surly as ever!

** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **

##  **Notes**  
This section will get updated with new information:

November 22 2014, I am a little swamped with university coursework at the moment so updates are even slower that usual, which is saying something, apologies and please know I am trying my best, thanks.  

** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **


	2. Preface: Mini Art Tour and Legal Disclaimer

**Legal Disclaimer:** I **do not** own any of the images posted in this gallery I simply found them on the internet, the images uses in this gallery are a complete overview of the images used in individual chapters of this story, no copyright infringement is intended, kudos and sincere thanks to the persons involved in creating these gifs and images.

I edited all the negative images because I just love when you can get a good negative or create a sketch effect using negative, why? I have no idea, I just know that when I was a kid and everyone was cooing over the latest family holiday pics, I was far more interested in the negatives and how colours were reversed and how the reds and gold's and greens and sepia were so beautiful, and I guess nothing has changed other than marvellous technology which lets me try it on my favourite images. A big thank you to Irfan view which is my everything for images I R [a major] fan… see what I did there?... no… oh you did its just painfully unfunny... okay  _moving swiftly on!_ ;)  
   
**Please Note** All the images used in this story are placed on this page because I just like to make a mini art gallery for each of my fics because I love the way it looks! ;) Images will be changed or updated if better _**(hotter)**_ ones are found! Press and hold/or right click any gif or image and select Open Image to see the resizable (by double tapping or clicking) version. Please Note: this applies to chrome, other browsers with a view image option may navigate to the image source on my photobucket account. There are many images throughout all of my works so on smaller devices it may be better to read and view images with your screen rotated sideways, enjoy!  
**curiobi **@ ~.~@****

#  ** ************************** **

"I Only Have Eyes For You"

..

I saw this and thought, _“This picture just about sums up Dean's helpless attraction to Cas who clearly doesn't get it all!”_ I love how the artist has managed to have Dean showing both affection and admiration while clearly having lascivious thoughts about an Angel of the lord!- and I'm just crazy about the way the artist has proved that Cas can't wear a Tie right under any circumstances! I loved this image instantly, so much so that it became the theme picture for the Angel story in my mind, and now hopefully in yours because I don’t believe I will find anything better, and I'm not looking!. Major, MAJOR, kudos and a symbolic (because I'm a starving student) £1 million pounds sterling to the artist  
**curiobi **@ ~.~@****

#  ** ************************** **

"Chibi-Tan Girl-Cas" Kawaii Desu ne?!

 

I saw this and thought, _“This chibi of girl-Cas is just flipping a-dork-able! I must have it!”_ major thanks to the artist who created this!  
**curiobi **@ ~.~@****

#  ** ************************** **

 

"Angel Falls"

This version of girl Cas is very sultry, and I particularly like the way the artist has captured her almost wistful expression, she has a halo and a hint of wings, yet there is also something slightly forlorn and bedraggled about her, as if she's just lost her way and got caught in the rain, and it's almost as if the artist wants you to hug her because she is having a rough day. I love this as another way to go with how girl Cas might look, kudos to the artist!  
Its less wistful and more terrifying in negative, but I have to confess I rather like that look on Girl-Cas too!  
**curiobi **@ ~.~@****

#  ** ************************** **

'Gender Swap'

Who can resist the brilliant people that go and find true life gender swap images and put them online! I think this is a brilliant comparison, so much so that I can just picture her wearing a killer dress under that coat and Dean running behind Cas with a purse growling _“I thought I said no frigging trench coats Cas, you don’t need pockets now that you’re a hot chic- I mean nice er woman, **that’s what frigging purses are for!** ”_ and Sam running behind Dean calling him a chauvinistic jackass for the millionth time and threatening to deck him in the snoz, and Bobby running behind Sam and Dean calling them both edjits! Kudos to everyone involved in helping me stumble across this picture on the internet!  
**curiobi **@ ~.~@****

#  ** ************************** **

"Collage Colour Palate"

 

Here are two collages I made because I'm clearly obsessed with re-coloring images! ah well some people jog...

** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **

#  ** ************************** **

##  ** Legal Disclaimer for the "Angel" fan fiction by curiobi **

**Legal Disclaimer :** _I do not own Supernatural... but a girl can dream!_

Hi everyone, (2013) just finished my first year of college, got excellent marks, started my own business, got spectacular burn out, needed a break, going to France, started writing again starting with adding a prologue and notes page to every published story… so that’s everything with me, how are you guys!


	3. It's Rude To Stare

‘Cas is that… is that you?’ Sam and Dean stared at the woman who had just appeared in their motel room both their mouths open in shock, as they slowly lowered their weapons because there was no mistaking the tilt of the head or the confused expression.

Castiel stared down at the breasts straining his white shirt in confusion and Dean’s eyes followed suit riveted to the large pair of breasts Castiel now seemed to own.

Sam cleared his throat, and nudged Dean as Castiel’s trench coat, which was now too big suddenly looked like it was wearing him, and his pants were sliding down causing Sam’s eyebrows to rise as he looked away.

Castiel’s head rose in confusion as he opened his mouth, ‘I… I appeared to be changed’ he said slowly his usual raspy voice transformed into a sexy smoky honey coated whisper, Sam was glaring at Dean and he realised he was staring, but he couldn’t help himself, it was definitely Castiel, just _he_ was now a **_she_** for some reason.

His usual tousled short locks were now waist length and wavy but they still looked as sex rumpled as they usually did, and what little he could see of her figure under the too big clothes was the stuff his wildest sex dreams were made of, classic hourglass figure, and her legs- _wow._

Sam huffed out a breath at Dean, and Dean tried again to pretend he wasn’t staring as Sam lifted the sheet off the motel bed and handed it to Castiel who took the sheet and looked at it.

‘Erm your clothes are falling off so…’

‘Yes thank you’ she husked at him.

‘Er, no you're supposed to wrap that around you’.

Castiel looked down at the sheet in confusion then wavered on her feet.

‘Ah hell’ Dean barked racing to Castiel’s side and catching her before she hit the floor ‘Sam don’t just stand there!’

Sam leapt up and cleared the bed so Dean could lay Cas on it, he had just finished all of that when Cas sat bolt upright locking eyes with him ‘Dean why are we on a bed together?’ she husked.

‘I was laying you down, no I mean, damn it Cas you fainted and your pants fell off so, -look forget that, what the hell happened to you Cas?

‘I have no idea Dean, I was flying over here when I was struck by a sudden pain and then I was like this, I have no idea who has done this to me or why’.

‘Well that can't be good’ Sam mumbled as his phone rang, ‘Hello, hi Bobby, Yeah I think we might still have it in the trunk, - _Dean’_ Sam hissed loudly as Dean continued to stare transfixed at Castiel, ‘ _keys’_

Dean tossed Sam the keys to the Impala without looking at him and Cas swung her frankly perfect creamy thighs over the edge of the bed to stand giving Dean a flash of her oversized boxers and curly dark hair from the gaping no longer needed fly hole.

‘What are _pubes_? And why do you think mine are probably soft and silky and that you want to bury your face-’

Sam exhaled in loud disapproval as Dean groaned ‘Cas I’m begging you stop talking, and really for once listen to me when I say this to you, _stay out of my head’_

Cas looked down at his new breasts ‘you can see through this shirt?, and you think these nipples are begging to be suc-’

‘-Cas!’ Dean barked

‘Dean!’ Sam snapped ‘ _cut it out_ , don’t you think this is weird enough as it is without you being a pig about it!’

‘I’m not being a pig! Cas just needs to stop poking around in my head’.

‘I’m not _poking_ around Dean your _projecting’_ Castiel snapped.

‘I’m _what?’_

Castiel tilted her head to one side, ‘I can’t imagine myself doing anything like that Dean’, she husked looking towards Dean’s crotch while Dean shifted uncomfortably, ‘and quite frankly I have never understood men’s fascination with having that part of their anatomy sucked it’s not what it was designed for, the primary function of the penis is-’

‘Cas!’ Sam and Dean both yelled in unison and Dean noticed for the first time that Sam was making a point of not staring at Castiel’s new breasts, _but he wasn’t exactly succeeding_ , huh! he had caught the smug little bastard out, secretly Sam was a horn dog, he denied it, he suppressed it, -which was probably just as well considering that apart from Jess Sam only ever seemed to bang monsters and of course demon whores doping him up with bitch blood let’s not forget that-, none of which changed the fact that Sammy was secretly a horn dog _who should have a sprained wrist by now,_ Dean shot him a dark look of triumph that screamed _caught you staring!_ and Sam whipped around turning his back.

‘I’m going to check for something Bobby wants in the trunk, Sam mumbled hurriedly ‘Cas, scream if you need me’.

‘Why would I need your assistance Sam? I am perfectly capable of handling anything that comes up myself’.

Sam went rigid and Dean groaned faintly, ‘What?’ Cas looked at Sam’s sudden impersonation of a statue and then back at Dean locking eyes with him, ‘oh I see I have unintentionally referenced a euphemism for masturbation’.

‘Cas please’ Dean moaned.

‘Well suffice it to say Sam that is not what I mean I am simply stating that I am more than capable of taking care of myself’.

Cas stared into Dean’s eyes for a moment and made a small sound of frustration, ‘but I changed the phrasing of my statement, how can it still have the same unwanted connotation? Dean are you _sure_ you have this right?’

‘Oh my god’.

‘Dean!’

‘Er yeah right, sorry, with the blasphemy Cas, look, we get it you can er handle things, you don’t need Sam to play Costner to your Huston’.

‘I have no idea what you mean by that Dean’.

Dean sighed ‘I’m saying you don’t need Sam being your freaking bodyguard’.

‘Well of course not, why would my body need guarding?’

‘I can think of a few reasons’ Dean muttered.

‘What reasons?’

‘Don’t answer that!’ Sam barked, ‘Cas, I’m leaving now but I’m not going to be gone for long, Dean  I am begging you, _do not make things worse while I’m gone_ , - **DEAN**!’ Sam barked in frustration as he realised Dean’s eyes were again riveted to Castiel’s new found breasts and he may as well be talking to himself, _great._ ‘Cas er I’ll be right back okay, just er… hang in there’.

Castiel watched Sam thoughtfully as he left the room glaring warning daggers at Dean.

‘Sam is acting... strangely, he has never been so overly concerned with either my welfare or the fact that I am alone with you before why does he care so much now?’

‘Well you tell me Cas, can’t you just go poking around in his head like you do to me’.

Cas shook her head slowly and her riotous tumble of wild blue-black curls tumbled around her face and shoulders… tumbled over her breast… teased at her waist…

‘Sam is actually far harder for me to read, do you recall me telling him that you and I share a more profound bound? Well this is part of what I meant- Dean are you listening to me?’

‘Er yeah Cas, sure’

Castiel's striking blue eyes narrowed _‘You are not_ , you are thinking about this new hair and how you would like to bury your face in it and… I don’t understand, exactly what purpose would your penis serve with my hair wrapped around it? while you-’

‘Cas! If you say penis one more time’.

‘But you are the one that keeps thinking-’

‘I mean it Cas _Cut it_ out’ Dean made a wild sweeping arc with his hand ‘this is hard enough as it is and… wait! wait, _that’s not what I meant’._

‘What isn't?... oh I see, Castiel stared downwards at Dean’s crotch, ‘you have become physically aroused, but why are you blaming your current tumescence on me?’

‘Alright you know what I’m done’ Dean slammed his way out of the motel room and stopped short when he saw Sam’s expression as he watched him phone in hand ‘hold on a minute Bobby’, Sam stopped rooting around in the trunk to stare at him, his mouth set in a thin line of disapproval, the beginnings of _epic_ bitch face starting to emerge, _well screw that! Before Sam could get out the inevitable _what the hell have you done now?_ He decided he didn’t need all the bitch face being directed at him when he hadn’t even done anything wrong._

Dean raked his hand through his hair and went back into the room to find Cas standing exactly as he'd left her. 

 _He would never admit it out loud even on pain of death,_ but even the male version of Cas had occasionally looked… kind of, well for want of a better word, _cute_ , especially when he was thoroughly confused, naturally on new female Cas that look was just plain frigging adorable... _damn her._

‘Not a word Cas’, he barked as Cas locked eyes with him and parted her full gorgeous fucking unbelievably sexy lips to say something,  _‘NOT A WORD’_.

Dean ran his hand over his face, grabbing his flask out of his inside pocket and taking a long sip of the precious whiskey inside, closing his eyes to savour the tasty false sense of security, -and hopefully shut Cas out of his head- when the motel door suddenly hit him in the back at full force, ‘what the hell!’ he sputtered choking, wheezing, and bemoaning the loss of good whiskey flying out of his mouth against his will, ‘Sam are you being chased?!’ he yelled as Sam barged in.

‘No I just… well you looked insane when you came out of the room I was just-'

‘-What? worried I was going to snap _and molest an Angel of the freaking lord_? So you thought you would what? just break the door down and rescue poor Cas from my evil clutches is that it, _what the hell is wrong with you?’_

‘What’s wrong with me?! you haven’t been able to take your eyes of her since he- I mean _she_ came in here like this, and since she said out loud what you’ve been thinking, I just didn’t want to come in here and find you smited to death for trying to feel her up that’s all’ 

‘I’m not an animal you know Sam, I can control myself’.

‘Yeah, _sure you can’._

Sam’s smug knowing expression pissed Dean off, ‘you know what, _screw you Sam_ , you made me spit up my damn whiskey and this is the super good stuff I snagged from Bobby’s secret stash that he uses when he has to bribe Rufus’.

‘Yeah well I don’t think whisky is the answer here Dean’

‘Shows what you know, Whisky is _**always** _ the answer Sam _’._

‘ _Not at eight o clock in the morning Dean’._

‘Cas’ Dean barked ‘would you _please_ stop just frigging standing there staring at me like some kind of hot little freaking statue’.

‘I am currently unsure of what else to do, I cannot contact any of my brothers although I am trying and my powers seem to be greatly diminished, I cannot even manifest garments that fit this vessel’, Cas looked down almost mournfully ‘it would appear that Jimmy Novak’s clothing no longer fits’.

Dean’s face broke into a grin ‘yeah I can see that’.

‘ _Dean’._

‘ _Shut up Sam’._

‘This is all very…’

Cas looked so uncertain so forlorn and helpless that it triggered Dean’s protective instincts and he was walking up to him, damn it _her_ before he even realised. ‘Just relax Cas’ Dean soothed looking down at the bewildered looking female, and suddenly noticing just how _tiny_ Cas was compared to him now. ‘We’re gonna figure this out I promise, we’ll get you back to normal, -well normal for you that is- in no time okay’.

‘Dean I am perfectly calm, you, however, are not your heart rate is elevated and-’

‘-Well you pop in out of nowhere and you’re a woman all of a sudden and-’

‘-I am still _me_ Dean, only my form has changed’.

 _Some **form**_   Dean thought, then shook his head to snap out of it. 'Right, okay’, Dean clapped his hands together, ‘first things first we have to find you something to wear Cas, I mean Jimmy’s clothes are way too big for you now, _damn you're short’._

‘I am not, my vessel is a perfectly acceptable height for a human’.

‘Er, Cas, have you looked in a mirror?’

‘Of course not Dean’, Castiel was using his exasperated monotone if there was such a thing, but with his new husky feminine voice it just sounded sexy ‘I just arrived like this’.

‘Well maybe you should’.

Castiel stepped out of the trousers pooled around her feet and the two big shoes and socks, her tiny feet padding silently on the worn motel carpet as she walked over to the mirror. She let the sheet and trench coat which was sliding off her shoulders drop and stood in only Jimmy’s shirt and tie. The shirt hung past her hands and came down mid thigh and the tie hung wide and lose on her slender neck as she studied her reflection in the mirror, her head tilting as if she couldn’t seem to take in what she was looking at.

Castiel suddenly pulled jimmy's shirt and tie up _and_ _if he thought her new rack was amazing before_. ‘Oh Wow’, Dean moaned his eyes travelling over her. Jimmy’s boxers were sliding down her feminine hips and her sexy hair which was long enough to cover her spectacular rack if she draped it over them, tumbled down her back as she pulled the shirt and tie over her head and let them flutter to the floor.

 _Man, that rack defied words!_  Dean thought,  _Whoever did this, good job, I mean yeah probably have to track threaten and or gank someone in the end but still, seriously, **good job**. _  
His palms itched to touch because her breasts were large, round, and firm, just how he liked them and his mouth watered to taste because those nipples were so damn **_perky_** and- goddamnit he was getting hard again.  
_Fuck, Okay- think of something else, **think of something else,** er Sam giving me bitch face, ganking a revenant, er… Bobby trying to give me the talk when I turned 13, damn she smells good, why does she smell so good? she can’t be wearing perfume, okay just calm down, deep breaths, okay damn that’s not helping, seriously she smells **so fucking good** , um… okay er, just think of er… shit! does she know what I’m thinking?_

‘Yes’ Cas supplied.

**_Damn it!_ **

‘Yes what?’ Sam asked confused.

'Dean was wondering if I knew what he was thinking, the answer is yes’.

‘Do I want to know what he was thinking?’ Sam sighed.

‘No!’ Dean barked, not caring one bit for Sam’s long-suffering tone of voice ‘it was nothing, just thinking about finding whoever did this to Cas and putting their nuts in a vice that’s all’.

Cas looked at him and their eyes locked for a second and Dean felt the pull of those eyes down to his frigging toes and was relieved when Cas went back to looking in the mirror.

Dean couldn’t help studying their reflections for a moment. Where Cas had only been an inch or so shorter than him before she was now at least a foot shorter. Her head of long bouncy tousled curls barely reached up to his chest, and she had a sun-kissed glow about her… he couldn’t help but think they looked kind of, well,   _good_ together- their reflections that is, in the mirror looked good, not him and Cas together or anything, obviously.

Dean caught Sam’s expression in the mirror, apparently he had moved to stand next to Cas at some point, and if Cas looked small compared to him… Dean shuffled Cas along a little closer to him and then slipped around behind her effectively elbowing Sam out of the frame -for Castiel’s sake of course- he _damn it-_ SHE, had been through an ordeal, the last thing she needed was Sam’s sasquatch frame towering over her and making her feel uncomfortable.

‘Sam has always been considerably taller than Jimmy Novak’s vessel, why should this bother me now?’

‘Yeah Dean’ Sam smirked ‘why?’

‘Just trying to give you some room to look at your new body that’s all’.

‘Well you might want to try giving him… I mean her, some _actual_ _room_ then Dean’.

‘And you might want to try shutting the hell up Sam’. Dean followed Sam’s eye line when he just stood there staring pointedly, and found his own traitorous arm was draped around Castiel’s naked shoulders. Dean snatched his arm back fast trying not to notice that it was tingling, _how the hell long had that been there_?

‘Since you slid around behind me and pushed Sam out of the way’.

‘I didn’t push him out of the- 

‘-Er yeah you did Dean, _you practically threw me_ ’.

 ‘Did not’.

 ‘Did too’.

 ‘You know what Sam, if you don’t shut up there won’t be any _practically_ about it’.

 Sam laughed as Dean glared at him.

 ‘I do not find this situation amusing Sam, these changes are-’

 ‘-Wait, no, Cas come on I’m not laughing at you I’m laughing at my idiot brother’.

 ‘Why?’

 ‘Because he’s acting like a kid with a crush on the babysitter’.

 ‘I do not understand’.

 ‘He’s um having _trouble_ adjusting to your new form’.

 ‘Yes I can understand this, you should not laugh at him Sam it is a difficult adjustment for all of us’.

‘Yeah Sam, seriously, show a little _sensitivity_ will ya’ Dean smirked as Sam gave him _ultimate_ bitch face, just as his phone rang.

‘Yeah Bobby... no I looked for that one… yeah okay I’ll check. -Just _don’t’_ Sam snapped at Dean as he headed out of the motel room.

#  ** **************** **

Sam walked back into the room to find Cas bent over picking up the shirt she had discarded and Dean looking like he was going to spontaneously combust. ‘Oh for the love of’ -Sam dragged the other sheet off the bed and was about to drape Castiel in it when he had a better idea, Cas was taking all day figuring out how to get the damn shirt back on, and he knew Dean was one move away from offering to “help” and he’d just as soon not have his idiot brother smote to death in front of him for trying to cop a feel, so he quickly picked up Jimmy’s trench coat instead ‘here Cas, hold your arm out’.

‘Hey!’ Dean barked outraged, ‘how come you’re the one that gets to-’

‘-Because unlike you I’m actually trying to get her _dressed’._

‘I would have if she asked for my help, I’m just saying, Cas is my Angel’ Dean grouched.

‘Oh really, -hold your other arm out Cas- I was under the impression that I was Castiel's friend as well’.

‘Well of course you are Sam’.

‘Thanks Cas’.

‘You are welcome Sam’

‘And besides Dean, I never saw you so quick to lay claim to Cas being _your_ Angel when she was a he’.

‘Shut up Sam’.

Sam wrapped the trench coat around Castiel holding it closed at the front ‘this will have to do until we can get you something else, just er button up the front and it should be fine’ Jimmy’s boxers hit the floor and Dean groaned aloud as Sam coughed awkwardly turning his back as Castiel stepped out of them like it was nothing and Dean took another long swig of whiskey.

‘Just a second Cas, don’t move’ Sam rifled about in the pile of Jimmy’s clothes and came up with Jimmy’s belt ‘put this belt around you, since you er, don’t have anything on under this, and I'm kinda guessing you missed Buttons 101 in Angel class’.

‘There was no such class Sam’.

Dean rolled his eyes.

Sam cleared his throat, ‘yeah well I think Dean’s head might explode if we start teaching you when you're naked under your trench coat and it’s kinda sliding all over the place so this will just keep you, well, covered up, and hopefully keep Dean’s eyes from popping out of his head-’

‘-Hey!’

‘like I said this should keep Dean from getting eye strain until we can get you some clothes’.

‘Asshat’ Dean griped.

‘I am an Angel Sam, I can get clothes for myself’.

‘Oh yeah’ Dean interjected ‘then how come in all the time we’ve known you we’ve never seen you in anything other than what that poor sap Jimmy was wearing when you talked him into letting you jump his bones’.

‘I did not _jump his bones_ Dean, he consented to let me in, you of all people should know how important it is that a vessel says yes to its Angel’.

‘Alright whatever, I’m just saying you always rocked the holy tax accountant look, well except for the time you went nuts and married that chick who pulled you out of the river buck naked’.

‘She didn’t pull me out Dean I was already out and-’

‘Yeah I know you told me she decided to marry you after one look at your junk... well Jimmy’s junk, technically’.

‘I do not recall telling you any such thing’.

‘Well you weren’t exactly yourself at the time but trust me that was the gist of it’.

‘I remember being Emmanuelle Dean, I just don’t recall telling you anything about getting married purely on the basis of being seen naked’.

‘Yeah Cas about that, Jimmy’s married and then you married that chick so-’

‘I do not want to talk about that Dean’.

‘But whatever happened to “Emmanuelle’s” wife anyway? She was kinda hot, in a weird kinda way, say, you think now might be a good time to visit her, you know so you can kiss and make up’ Dean's expression grew wistful ‘I won't mind setting that meeting up at all if it helps you with having the hot chick on chick action, I'm just saying Cas you should defiantly consider going to see her’.

‘What the hell is wrong with you Dean’ Sam snapped ‘seriously, how old are you mentally?’

‘Just because you don’t appreciate the finer things in life Sam doesn't mean you should rag on other people who do’.

‘Are you _kidding_ me right now?’.

Dean ignored Sam. ‘So Cas how about it, you up for it now that you're all same-sex marriage material’.

‘Emmanuelle didn’t really exist Dean, I never consented to marry that woman, how could I have when I had no idea who or even what I was’ Cas sighed, 'however I believe she loved Emmanuelle and must be worried for him, I have avoided the situation until now because we have our hands full dealing with demons, and Crowley, _and_  and the few leviathan that have escaped, contacting her would only put her in further danger, besides, I can hardly go back to her like this now, how would I explain… I don’t even know what’s happening and it’s all such a mess...’

Dean put his hands up at Castiel’s almost lip trembling look of distress. _Okay this was new,_ Dean’s reaction took him by surprise as his protective instincts took over and he wasn’t sure he liked just how quickly she could trigger them even as he lowered his voice and put his hand on her shoulder ‘hey it’s gonna be okay Cas we’ll figure out what to do about her okay, for now let’s get you dressed and try to find out who did this to you and why and let’s just hope they can undo it’.

‘Thank you Dean’.

‘Now how about some clothes shopping where the men pay for everything huh? Cas, you’re a chick now, don’t tell me that idea isn’t blowing up your skirt a little, huh, huh, am I right?!’

Castiel looked confused as Sam groaned in mortification.

‘Dean just stop talking’ he begged.

‘Stay out of this Sam, I’m cheering her up’.

‘I already told you Dean’ what my vessel wears is not of import, as soon as I am able I will simply re-manifest Jimmy’s clothing and adjust-’

‘- _What!_ are you kidding me! you wanna dress _that_ body up as a holy tax accountant, _now that’s just plain wrong’._

‘Don’t listen to him Cas, I mean you _know_ what he’s thinking right?’

‘Sam I am warning you’.

‘You're warning me! you're the one angling for a one-way ticket back downstairs here, not me’. 

‘Dean is thinking about purchasing clothing for me just like he said Sam, but who is young Skywalker?’

 ‘What? _nothing!’_

 ‘A strange voice in your head keeps repeating be mindful of your thoughts young Jedi, what is a Young Jedi?'

Sam stared a Dean incredulously for a moment and then burst out laughing while Dean glared at him.

‘Never mind that Cas and listen because it might not have mattered what the hell you were wearing when you were a nerdy little dude with wings, but it sure as hell matters now that you’re a smoking hot-'

-Sam cleared his throat loudly-

‘Now that you’re a woman’.

‘I don’t see what diff-’

‘-There is a huge difference Cas. Me and Sam have been around human woman our whole lives, we know what's what, so just trust us okay’.

 ‘Don’t drag me into this you freak’.

' _Shut up Sam_. Now Cas, since you can’t just shazam yourself some new threads we have to buy you some’, Castiel looked confused for a moment and Dean rolled his eyes, ‘okay Jeanie to the mall it is, just don’t pick out anything couture okay’.

‘I have no idea what that means’

‘Good’.

‘And you do?!’

‘Shut up Sam, Lisa and her sister liked to talk fashion okay’.

Sam stared pointedly at Dean his eyebrows raised in glee.

'What’ Dean snapped defensively when Sam just kept staring at him, his eyes dancing with laughter, ‘hot model chicks wearing little bits of expensive nothing, _come on Sam’_ .

Sam shook his head laughing, ‘whatever you say Dean’.

Dean scowled at Sam and then turned his attention back to Castiel ‘Say Cas do you know what Victoria’s Secret is?’

‘I do not believe I know anyone by the name of Victoria, why? Is her secret of some import?’.

Dean’s lips curved into a wide smile and he put his arm around Castiel’s small shoulders as they walked towards the door ‘you know I think I ought to help you pick out certain key items Cas, I mean you’re probably not aware of this but there are all kinds of rules about what humans can and can’t wear’.

‘I am aware that it is not customary for a male to wear a dress if that is what you are referring to Dean, I am not an imbecile’.

‘Hey first off some men wear dresses all the time, don’t judge’.

‘I was not judg-’

‘-And second I was referring more to what goes _under_ the dress’.

‘You are referring to female undergarments?’

‘Exactly!’

 _‘Dean!’_ Sam snapped as they walked towards the Impala.

‘What Sam? all I’m saying is that she’s gonna need some help-’

‘-Yeah well not from you, pervert, that’s what the sales assistant is for, the last thing we need is Castiel going underwear shopping with you and coming back with nothing but peek-a-boo bras and crotchless panties’.

‘Why Sammy I am shocked at you!’

‘Yeah right’ Sam snorted.


	4. A Prince Among Men

As Dean tossed Sam the keys to the Impala as if he wanted him to drive Sam opened his mouth to question it. Dean _never_ just _volunteered_ driving privileges, without either exhaustion from hours of road hogging, ulterior motives, _or some sort of preceding drama_ \- however, Dean's motives became immediately clear, because he'd barely unlocked the Impala before Dean was settled in the back seat with his arm around Cas, mumbling outrageous bullshit about making sure she got to the mall in one piece, and moral support because he knew how much she hated travelling by car, -all this while ogling her legs, and staring down the ever widening gap at the neckline of her trench coat, which to Dean's obvious delight was showing off more and more of her ample cleavage.

 _Moral support my ass,_ Sam thought angrily as he drove the Impala up to the short line of cars exiting the motel parking lot, _the only person whose morals needed support around here was Dean! and why did –_ ** _shit!!_** He quickly served to avoid running into the asshat suddenly cutting him off as he tried to turn onto the freeway, slamming his hand down hard on the car horn as he narrowly avoided hitting the jerk.

'Sam! Jeez take it easy' Dean shouted. 'You okay there cas?'

'I am fine Dean'.

'I'm fine too Dean, thanks for asking' Sam snapped, as pulled the car safely onto the freeway.

'Don't worry Cas', Dean murmured into Castiel's ear. 'I won't let Sam's bad driving damage your new vessel, and you shouldn’t hesitate to jump into my lap for protection if you need too, I'm here to help'.

 _Frigging_ ** _Asshat_** _. Sam seethed._ ‘You know what Dean I can pull over and you can drive your own damn car'.

‘Yeah you'd like that wouldn’t you!’ Dean snarled. ‘Well there’s no way I'm letting you sit in the back seat with Cas so you can just forget it!’

‘Who said anything about sitting in the back seat? I was gonna ride shotgun’.

‘No can do Sammy, You know she hates travelling by car, how can I concentrate on driving when I know she needs me back here’. Dean's eyes practically started glowing at his own double meaning and were suddenly riveted to Castiel's chest again.

‘ _Dean so help me_ ** _, I will turn this car right around and dump your ass back in the damn motel room if you can't behave right!’_** Sam snapped glaring at Dean in the rear view mirror as Dean just sat there snuggled up to Cas with a sleazy expression plastered on his stupid face, leaving him trying his best to concentrate on driving while ferociously grinding his teeth.

'Dean' Cas suddenly rasped, ‘I do not appreciate being compared to Anna. She tried to kill your entire family and were it not for my efforts in sending you back in time, and ultimately Michael's judgment upon her she may well have succeeded …Oh, I see… well in that case Dean, I do not care to be thought of as the second Angel you could fornicate with in the back of this automobile'.

 _Seriously?_ _'_ ** _Dean! What the Hell is wrong with you?!'_** Sam shouted in disbelief, glaring furiously at Dean in the rear view mirror, until he was forced to concentrate on the road instead when it became clear that Dean was too busy staring at Cas to even respond.

Sam huffed out a furious breath as he followed the navigation instructions on his phone, turning the car in the direction of the nearest mall while dividing his attention between the road, the phone, and the rear view mirror to make sure Dean wasn't doing anything stupid, _well stupid-er_.

Sam sighed. He really needed a better SatNav app because apparently, this one was directing him to turn into a brick wall. Of course if Dean hadn't refused to as much as find out if it was possible to hook up his beloved baby with Satellite Navigation, he wouldn't be forced to use his Phone. When he last confronted Dean about it he'd said. " _Just use a damn map like a normal person and quit being a techno nerd Sammy; besides, we can't Demon proof SatNav, some douche bag demon could use it to track us",_ **Yeah right** Sam thought caustically, as if they never had the GPS on their phones switched on when they were in the car, it was the same thing, but Dean wasn't concerned about that, because he knew damn well that the Impala had hex bags, and no demon, -not even Crowley, since they'd found and destroyed his stupid magical snooping coin-, could track his baby; so why didn't Dean just admit that the real reason he didn’t want to hook up the Impala with SatNav was because he didn't want any modern tech attached to his classic substitute girlfriend. Dean's relationship with his car was borderline perverted, and he was so fanatical about keeping it vintage and mint, that the one time he'd tried to introduce the Impala to the 21st century by hooking up his iPod, Dean had tossed it away growling that he was not to "douche her up", and later he found the iPod jack and holder broken and dumped in the trash.

He glanced back at his brother who now had his arm even tighter around Cas, with his head bent as if he was thinking about burying his stupid face in her hair. ' ** _Erhem'_** he cleared his throat loudly, but Dean didn't seem to hear, forcing him to conclude that he was so perversely fascinated with Castiel's new vessel that he either didn't, or couldn’t, get it through his head that ogling and having filthy thoughts about an Angel of the lord was _exactly_ the kind of thing that would eventually get him sent downstairs. **_Again_** _._

He was just about to tell Dean to put his eyes back in his damn head when he spotted a road sign telling him the Mall was a quarter mile away _in the opposite direction,_ 'damn it!' He barked, turning off his stupid, inaccurate SatNav app, and committing a semi-illegal, somewhat reckless U-turn over Dean's outraged squawks, even as the jerk used the situation to practically bury his face in Castiel's chest under the guise of overbalancing

_**_Jackass._** he seethed as he went back to driving while ferociously grinding his teeth._

#  ** **************** **

Sam cleared his throat for what felt like the umpteenth time while watching his idiot brother sitting in the back seat of his own car openly salivating over an Angel of the lord, and for the umpteenth time _Dean completely ignored him._

Sam ground his teeth down to what felt like the raw nerve as he steered the impala into the mall parking lot, put Dean's "baby" into park, and shut off the engine glancing into the rear view mirror and shaking his head mournfully. For a man who he knew for a fact had spent the majority of his formative years with his face buried in every pair of waitress, barmaid, grateful saved woman, and random hook up breasts, from here to Lake Wichita, Dean was sure acting like he'd suddenly never seen a pair of breasts in his life before. _Damn Jackass._

‘Hey Dean we’re here, you wanna maybe tear your eyes away and get out of the damn car sometime today?’

Dean looked at him blankly for a second and then opened the car door murmuring ‘let me give you a hand there Cas’.

Sam climbed out of the Impala and glared at Dean, who under the guise of being a gentlemen and helping Cas out of the car was in fact getting a eyeful of her cleavage when she leaned forward; naturally no one had ever taught Cas how to get out of a car while naked under a coat without flashing, and Dean's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, sliding obscenely low, as Cas put one bare foot out of the car the other still inside, 'you just gotta love it when the carpet matches the drapes' Dean muttered with a low whistle.

‘I don’t understand what you mean by that… oh, well why wouldn’t the hair on my head match-‘

-Sam elbowed Dean out of the way grasping Castiel's outstretched hand and quickly helping her out of the car - _minus the lecherous blasphemy-_ while Dean called him several abusive names behind his back. Sadly the moment he was occupied locking up the car Dean seized the opportunity to slide his arm around Castiel's shoulders, _like the snake he was_ , while steering her towards the mall muttering nonsense about panties being the first thing chicks put on, so _**Naturally**_ it was the obvious first thing to shop for.

He gritted his teeth, finished locking the car, then did the only thing he could as Dean was muttering 'and remember the rule Cas you don't want anything white or cotton, think Red Silk, or Red Lace, and hey _**leather**_ isn't a bad way to go either-' _and hit Dean in the back of the head._

Dean halted in his tracks and then turned around slowly growling 'Sam are you suicidal?'

'Are you?' Sam hissed quietly, 'take your hands off her you damn pervert, before one of her dick brothers sees you and you get smited'.

‘Actually Sam’ Cas rasped ‘the correct term is _**smote**_ and-‘

'-First you hit me and now you're calling me a perv, _I'm gonna kick your ass Sam'._

'Yeah right’, Sam snorted liberating Cas from his grip and giving her a gentle push in the direction of the mall.

'Cut it out Dean' Sam snapped pulling Dean back as he set off after Cas, ‘she can walk on her own without you glued to her side, now can we _**please**_ just get this over with?'

Unfortunately Castiel's usual purposeful stride was clearly completely at odds with her new curvy body as she uncoordinatedly weaved her way through the seemingly endless parking lot stumbling as a car pulled up aggressively in front of her horn blaring and abuse flying, as several other drivers appeared out of nowhere to claim the same spot while Castiel just stood there wild-eyed and barefoot like a deer literally trapped in headlights.

Dean's eyes narrowed as the loud-mouthed driver opened this car door as if to get out and physically move Cas, and Dean found himself slamming the car door shut and trapping the man inside his car while growling ‘Don’t even think about it pal' before he even realised he'd moved.

'Who the hell do you think you are? the man yelled 'if that’s your chick why you don’t you keep her from goddamned jumping out in front of my car!'

'If you know what's good for you, you're gonna shut your mouth, and drive this piece of junk imported car outta here right now' Dean snapped.

The man flushed red ‘hey I came here to shop, you can't tell me to leav-‘

'-Or we could do this another way, I could drag your sorry ass out of this piece of crap imported car, put you under it, and back it up over your big mouth’.

‘Hey she's the one that-‘

‘-Cas come over here, let’s give this asshole some room to get lost in before I kick his ass back to when he still had hair’.

Castiel quickly made her way over to Dean, stumbling on a pot hole and pitching forward.

‘Are you still here?’ Dean snarled at the man as he caught Cas and pulled her close. The man blanched white as Dean's voice lowered a threatening octave ‘I take it you want to go with plan B then?’

'Hey, Shows over people, **get moving** ' Sam barked as Dean swept Cas up in his arms winking at her as the man peeled out of the parking lot, distance clearly providing courage as he hurled abuse at them.

‘you’re welcome for saving you from that asshole back there Cas, Dean smiled ‘Just call me the prince of Peugeot'.

'I don’t understand, do you mean Persia?, because that country has not existed by that name since-‘

‘-No, The car that asshole was driving it's an imported Peugeot- and you know the game prince of Persia-‘

‘-So you do mean Persia, but why would you be the prince of an ancient civilisation that-'

-Dean looked skyward for a second, '-look forget about Persia, just call me a prince among men, and again, _you're welcome Cas'._

'Well thank you Dean, and as you are still the true vessel of Michael the most powerful Archangel of all I suppose you could technically be referred to as a Prince among men, as your brother the vessel of Lucifer has often been referred to as the Boy Prince, or King, depending on the level of demonic worship being directed at him'.

'Oh thanks for that Cas!' Sam exclaimed as he finished waving the last car on making sure it was safe for them to cross into the next parking bay, 'I've just been _dying_ to hear _that_ again'.

'Well admittance is the first step' Dean smirked as Sam stood in the middle of the road to halt traffic before waving Dean forward.

'I might have been Lucifer's vessel once upon a time but you're the one who’s currently knocking at hell's gate Dean' Sam hissed close to his brother's ear as Dean strode past him with Cas in his arms clearly enjoying the bird’s eye view it gave him of her breasts far too much.

'Sam, you are still Lucifer's true vessel' Cas rasped that cannot be changed until the day you die, even then depending on the circumstances-'

'-Yeah, thanks Cas that's Great, just what I need to hear' Sam muttered.

'... Are you being sarcastic?'

‘Yes Cas, I am being sarcastic, thank you for noticing'.

'You are welcome Sam'.

Dean rolled his eyes, or tried to before they gave up mid-roll of their own volition and fixated on Castiel's chest as if drawn there by a magnet. _Makes sense_ Dean thought.

‘What makes sense?’ Cas asked echoing his thoughts

‘Urm, all the stuff you said about Sam’.

‘I believe he would rather not talk about it, but the situation remains’.

‘Dean, look where you're going’ Sam snapped grabbing Dean's shoulder before he strode out into the next driveway 'why don't you just put Cas down before you walk your stupid ass into oncoming traffic? Just let her walk on her own Dean', I'm sure she just needs to get used to moving around in this new vessel then she's gonna be fine, and I'm pretty sure you can leer at her just as easily when she's upright'.

'Whose leering?! _I'm helping_ , she could cut her foot and get tetanus or something walking through this maze barefoot, not to mention the other thing, I mean think about it Sam, all we need is a stray gust of wind and _woo hoo_ , were looking at a fifty car pileup, _**I'm doing a public service here'.**_

'Dean' Cas rasped and Dean tried to ignore how freaking hot it was when she said his name now; unfortunately, the way Cas tilted her head up and started staring at him told him she had just heard what he was thinking, and once again he felt sucked into the dynamic pull of her gaze almost tumbling over a patch of uneven ground as they cut across a patch of grass in the never-ending parking lot; _thankfully Sam hadn't noticed_.

'Sam is right Dean, you can put me down now' I am perfectly capable of walking'.

'No can do sweetheart, besides I would say that you seem to be having trouble'.

'Yeah, she's not the only one having trouble walking around here; some idiots are so busy leering they are literally tripping over their own two feet'.

'Over observant sasquatch' Dean muttered under his breath.

'I just need to become accustomed to moving in this new vessel'.

'Yeah, well you can get your sea legs after we buy you some shoes'.

‘Sea legs? I do not-'

'Never mind Cas; Say, how come I'm able to pick you up anyways? I mean that one time when I punched you in the face-'

‘-You did what?!’

‘What? he deserved it, _he was being a dick!’_

'Like you're being right now you mean'.

'How the hell am I being a dick? _I'm helping'._

'Yeah right! _You’re helping yourself to an eyeful,_ ** _and you know it!’._**

'You know what, I feel sorry for you Sam, that your mind is so twisted at such a young age, that you see a beautiful thing like a stand up dude helping a lady out by carrying her, and all you can see is bad in it; well it saddens me Sammy-'

'Oh spare me the bullshit Dean, _I've had all I can take'._

'You know what Sam, that tears it, I'm officially not talking to you'.

'Ah you promise?' Sam deadpanned as he strode past Dean 'Don't toy with my emotions'.

'Yeah keep walking' Dean sneered 'and don't think I've let that hitting me in the back of the head thing go either, as soon as we help Cas, _**it is on'**_.

'I'm quaking’.

'You will be’.

'Dean I really can manage to-'

'-So how about it Cas?' Dean interrupted 'how come I can lift you up without breaking my back?'

Castiel sighed 'it is to do with advance metaphysical physics and the partial relativity equation in its most relative form, my mass once condensed can be equal to or greater than-'

'Wow' Dean interrupted 'First time I had a chick this hot in my arms and felt like yawning from boredom, forget I asked Cas'

'I want to hear Dean, I've always thought it was fascinating how they manage to keep their wings in some kind of alternate reality only manifesting them as shadow when-'

 _'-Oh my god,_ how are we related when you're so fluent in dorkaneese?'

'dorka _what?'_

_'Nerdlinger'_

Sam flushed angrily 'just because I use my brain for more than a database to store porn doesn't make me a-'

'-You see, you just said database, _you're a nerd Sammy,_ case closed. Just be thankful some poor misguided chicks still think you're hot anyway and have done with it' Dean looked around for a second Goddamit Sam-'

‘-Dean!'

‘Sorry Cas- Sam do you think you parked the car far enough away from the mall? Are you even sure we're even heading in the right direction? this endless journey across the parking lot is starting to make me feel like I should be looking for the one ring or something'.

'Now who's the dork?

' _Now that's_ ** _real_** _blasphemy_ , -er, sorry Cas-. Sam a lord of the rings reference does not make me or anyone else a dork'.

'And what about all the Star Trek references you make?'

 _'Star Trek always gets a pass Sam!!_ Besides, I could be referencing your personal compendium of "great nerds of the 21st century" and I would **still** be cooler than you, now tell me we're getting close already!'

'I don't have a nerds-' Sam sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as if Dean was giving him a headache, 'I had to park here okay it was the only space available, were about 2 minutes away just follow the signs, if you can pry your eyes away from Castiel's chest long enough to read them that is'.

'Yeah right, only space available my ass, you were so anxious to get me out of the car so you could start being judgmental about my perfectly acceptable friendship with Cas that you parked us 20 miles away from the entrance, admit it _jerkface'_.

'Oh, wow, What's the matter Dean, you getting tired carrying Cas there princess?' Sam laughed as Dean glared at him 'Just be thankful I did get your dumb ass out of the back seat or you could well have got your fool self smited to death for trying to go two for two on nailing angels in the back seat'.

'Sam I am not going to smite Dean for his… er mis-thinking'.

'Not yet, but just you wait and see how bad it gets, he's like a dog with a bone'.

'Or a boner' Dean smirked.

'You see what I mean!'

'I remember this word, you used it when my previous vessel became tumescent without cause while I was watching that interesting documentary about the pizza man and his confusing expressions of emotions towards the babysitter'.

Dean burst out laughing and Sam groaned aloud.

'Oh hey Cas that gets me thinking now that you're in a girl body we should totally watch porn together, it's only not okay when it's a room full of _dudes_ , when it's chicks and dudes together it's perfectly normal, in fact it would be weird if you watched it alone frankly, that's just not how it's done, I mean it's a chick and a dude in the video right, stands to reason it's supposed to be watched the same way’.

'I don't quite follow your reasoning Dean'.

 _'That's because he doesn't have any Cas,_ he's just trying to-'

'-Ignore him Cas, Sammy doesn't watch er, documentaries of expressions, he's too busy watching emo bullshit about puppies skipping across the landscape, and how to wear the correct shade of pink no matter the season'.

'Where the hell do you come up with this stuff Dean?!'

'Your browser history Sam'.

'Yeah right, Jackass'.

 _'Metro-sexual’_.

‘Do you even know what that means Dean?’

‘Sure it's guys that wear makeup and dresses and junk’.

‘That’s _Transvestites_ you idiot’.

‘Yeah, well, as a gay man you would know’.

Sam sighed. ‘Dean, for your information most transvestites are not gay, most are sexually attracted to women, think lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

'Wait a minute, so what are the dudes who like dudes but dress up like chicks called?'

'Are you talking about Drag queens, because that's a whole culture-

‘-You know what I'm sorry I asked. You just keep telling yourself you're one of the straight transvestites Sammy. Anyway Cas, as I was saying, you don't know much people so we should probably-'

'-I know _all_ people Dean'.

'You know _of_ them Cas, that doesn't mean you're friends and this activity is one that only _extra special_ friends get to share'.

'Yeah that doesn't sound creepy at all’ Sam snorted ‘hey, why don't you offer her some candy while you're at it, you know, _really lure her into your gingerbread porn house,_ ** _you freak._**

Dean sighed, 'Cas are you feeling any stronger yet? you know maybe up to zapping Sam to an emo poetry reading, or back to the motel so he can do his nails and condition his long girly hair'.

'I'm sorry Dean, my powers have not yet returned'.

'Well you let me know the second they do okay, because I happen to know for a fact that Sam is just jonesing for a face pack and a pedicure, and to gossip with Bobby about what a bitch-'

'-you are?' Sam finished for him.

'See what I mean Cas, Sammy's feeling super sensitive at the moment so we won't talk anymore about you zapping him to the beauty salon, because it's just cruel to toy with his emotions like that -Ouch! What the, - _You can't kick me, I'm carrying a defenceless woman Sam!’_

 _ **'Just be thankful it was your shin and not your ass'**_ Sam growled between clenched teeth.

'Look Cas' Dean went on as if he hadn't been kicked in a warning to shut up 'all I'm saying is now that you're in a girl body you can experience what it's really like to get off while watching por-'

'-DEAN! if you don't shut up, _right now, **I will not be responsible for the consequences'.**_

 _'Oh go un-bunch your thong Sam before your hurt yourself_ , _**no one's talking to you.**_ So what do you say Cas? You up for it, or I guess I should say hot for it?'

'I-

'-Cas don't answer that!'

 _'Why are you dead set on ruining this for me Sam?'_ Dean barked as he finally reached the entrance, setting Cas on her feet and latching his arm around her again as if she couldn't manage without it.  
'I've had Cas for years now' Dean grouched while steering her towards the open glass elevator, 'and I hardly ever got to have any fun with him er _her_ , and now something great happens and you want to crap all over it'.

'You call this something great!' Sam hissed.

'Yes' Dean hissed back, 'after all the crap I have been through I call this something freaking great, now shut up and stop trying to spoil it for me just because you're jealous that me and Cas have a more… er what do you call it again Cas?'

'Call what Dean?'

'This weirdo thing we have between us'.

'If you are referring to our bond-'

'-Yeah that's it, were profoundly bonded or whatever, _Cas said so_ , so shut up and stay out of it Sam, go find your own bond Angel, maybe that Inais dude or something, I personally thought he was kinda your type, you know, emo and sensitive and all that crap, and of course most importantly _a dude'._

Sam's jaw tightened as Dean smirked at him and Castiel rasped 'Dean, are you disparaging a member of my former garrison?'

'What! No,' Dean quickly tightened his arm around Cas, 'there's nothing wrong with being emo and sensitive Cas, just take Sam here-'

'-Dean _shut up'_ Sam seethed.

Dean opened his mouth to say something but then his eyes travelled past Sam down towards a commotion on the ground floor. Dean's eyes narrowed and fixated on a group of wide-eyed teenage boys craning their necks to look up as the elevator ascended. Dean rolled his eyes and pulled Castiel closer to him muttering 'erm... legs together Cas' in her ear as Sam realised that Castiel's usual wide legged masculine stance combined with her lack of underwear and the transparent elevator floor was causing quite the spectacle.

Castiel looked confused 'What?'

'Those damn kids are staring up your coat Cas! Shish, don't you get it? Seriously no? Well never thought I would be saying this to a hot chick, but you might wanna keep those pretty legs together for now okay'. Dean's eyes narrowed as he scowled at the group of boys below, 'Just look at that little ginger bastard down there', Dean growled 'he's practically lying flat on his back to get a better look, _the little pervert'._

'That's kinda the pot calling the kettle, -ouch!... did you actually just step on my toe?!'

'Did you actually just run your mouth some more when I've specifically told you to shut it how many times today already?'

Dean stiffened all of a sudden as Castiel pulled his face around to hers and stared into his eyes, 'Oh… I see, er thank you Dean' she rasped shifting awkwardly until her little bare feet were pressed firmly together.

Dean seemed frozen in place even as Castiel's hand fell from his face, and his eyes riveted to her chest again as Sam elbowed him in the ribs. 'Sonuvabitch' Dean growled his expression promising retribution until his eyes travelled to the now surly looking teenage boys still craning their necks to look up at Cas. 'Free shows over boys' Dean muttered smirking down at them until the ginger teenager flipped him the bird wiping the smirk off his face. He was just about to flip him the bird right back when Sam grabbed his arm.

'At least try to act your damn age at some point today Dean' Sam seethed tightening his grip when he was about to use his other hand. ‘you're a grown man, you can't just start flipping teenagers the bird in the mall’.

'I can if the little bastards started it’ Dean grouched his expression surly as Sam rolled his eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh.

_**What were the odds that this went well?** _


	5. Size Matters

‘So what's our cover story? …Damn it Dean are you listening? I said what's our cover story?’

‘Hmmm?’ Dean raised his head slowly from where it had been angled to give him an even better view of Castiel's cleavage as he walked with his arm glued around her shoulders ‘what?’.

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, ‘Dean, two large men, one with his eyes on stalks, bring a naked-under-her-coat, barefoot, bewildered looking woman into a clothing store, you don’t think that looks a little suspicious, we need a plausible cover story’.

‘Er right, well good luck with that Sammy we're counting on you’ Dean grinned, ‘and Quit scowling your face might freeze that way. Hey Cas, do you think we should start calling you Cassie now?’

‘No. Only Balthazar calls me that, or I should say he called me that before I…’

‘Oh hey, whoa, look no talking about anything that puts that look on your face, forget I said anything okay, Cas is fine, people will just think it's short for Cassandra or whatever. God this place is huge Sam, where the hell are we going anyway?’

‘I don’t know Dean I was just following you’.

‘You what? come on Sam, out of the two of us you’re the one whose most likely to know the right store to help a girl look her best’.

‘Shut up Dean- oh wait, look that place over there should be fine, the sign says it specialises in clothing for petite women’.

‘See what did I say, that’s perfect for Cas, although I don’t think this store will cater to your specific needs Sammy, you being a sasquatch and all’.

‘Dean I'm not above kicking you again’ Sam growled as they entered the store.

‘And I'm not above kicking you back asshat’.

_‘you know what, why don't you just try it ass-_

‘-Hello, how can I help y’all?’

Sam looked down at the immaculately dressed older woman ‘well my friend, I mean cousin here, she was, that is er, her house was… just… burnt to the ground, faulty wiring, she's lucky to be alive, anyway she lost everything and-’.

‘-Why you poor darlin!’ The woman swooped down on Cas and practically had to wrestle her away from Dean. ‘What a truly awful thing to happen, well never you mind sugar, you have come to the right place to chase your troubles away, we've got everything a little thing like yourself could ever want here, and you know what, I think getting you a pretty new wardrobe is the first step to recovery, what do you think sugar?’

Castiel glanced at Dean for help and Dean nodded, Castiel faced the sales assistant and nodded solemnly.

‘Is this a vintage store or something?’ Sam asked looking around at the old fashioned dresses with attachable aprons hanging on the wall. ‘it seems kind of old-school’.

‘Why of course it's vintage sugar, everything here is from the 1950’s’ the shop assistant drawled as she patted her immaculate beehive, ‘now that was a decade when a lady looked her best at all times and gentlemen truly appreciated-

_‘Does all that crap she's saying mean this stuff is really expensive?’_ Dean hissed under his breath.  
_‘Yeah, I think it does’_ Sam whispered back. 


-a woman who took the time to take care of herself, Now don’t you worry none boys I am gonna fix up….’

‘Cas’ Dean supplied as Castiel stared at the woman as if trying to read her mind ‘it's short for Cassandra, er she hasn’t spoken much since the fire she's still pretty shaken up’.

The sales assistant visibly relaxed as Dean nudged Cas and whispered ‘quit poking around in her head’.

‘I cannot read her mind Dean, currently it would seem I can only do that with you’.

‘Awesome’ Dean snapped sarcastically.

‘Now don’t you worry none Cassandra is in safe hands darlin’, the sales assistant stared pointedly at Dean and he realised he had his arm around Cas again and both Sam and the sales assistant were staring at him.

‘Come on darlin this way’.

Castiel glanced over her shoulder at Dean almost helplessly as the women led her away and Sam cleared his throat loudly as Dean moved to follow her.

‘Oh, Wait a minute!’ Sam produced a credit card and pressed it into Castiel’s hands, ‘when you’re finished getting what you need just pay for it with this’ and then call us and we’ll come pick you up.

Castiel looked at the card in confusion and Dean drew Sam to one side. ‘hey’ he hissed ‘we can’t risk Cas doing or saying something that gives away the fact that credit card ain't ours, and five minutes alone with that woman and she’s gonna think Cas is a freaking alien or something, _you know what he’s like_ , he's bad enough as a dude, there’s no way he can pull off credit card fraud when he _damit_ , **SHE** doesn’t even really know what that is!’.

Sam hated to admit it but Dean was right they had to stick around and make sure Castiel didn’t get them into trouble.

‘Er look you’ve been through quite a shock Cas, why don’t you just follow the nice lady and let her pick out what’s best for you and we’ll stick around and pay for everything at the end, what are cousins for after all?’.

‘Oh you guys are _all_ family?’

‘Yes’.

The woman looked at Dean whose eyes were once again riveted to Castiel's chest and a smile played across her lips, _‘really?’_

‘Well er, were more distant cousins than immediate family, er yeah anyway the umm-'

‘-Fire’ Sam hissed under his breath.

‘-Fire was just two days ago, and poor Cas is still in shock, she’s been staying at our place since we bought her home from the hospital but she needs clothes and nothing we have will fit her’.

‘Well of course not she’s such a tiny little thing and y’all are such strapping young men, oh my’. The middle-aged assistant fanned herself and smiled at Sam. Dean made his famous ‘cougars out to get ya’ face at Sam and Sam stepped on his toe.

‘So do you think you can help her?’ Sam asked earnestly hitting the sales assistant with the puppy eyes as she melted on the spot, and Dean glared retribution for his toe at him in his peripheral vision.

‘Of course I can sugar don’t you give it another thought, you leave her to me’.

‘Come on Dean lets go wait in those chairs. **_Dean!’_**

‘Hmmm yeah?’

‘I said let's go’, Sam sighed and dragged Dean away by his arm when he made no signs of moving electing instead to stand lock-eyed with Cas as the two stared at each other in that intense way they sometimes did.

Sam steered Dean to a comfortable looking armchair and shoved him into it.

‘Hey, quit shoving’.

‘Then snap out of it already’.

‘Get bent’.

Sam laughed at Dean and sat beside him on the armchair.

Barely five minutes had passed when Sam started tapping and jiggling his foot and looking like a moose out of place in the small ultra feminine clothing store.

‘You got ants in your pants or something Sammy?’

‘If I did it wouldn’t be because of some stripper’.

‘I keep telling you I was itching because I was allergic to the damn shower gel in that stupid motel room, I had a rash _that’s all’_.

‘Yeah, right, is that what their calling communicable crabs these days?’

‘Who’s the one who got the clap from a dude again?’

‘Keep your damn voice down, and that was a witch and you know it’.

‘Whatever gets you through the day Sammy’.

‘Screw you’.

‘No thanks, _you're diseased’_.

‘Damit, Dean-’

‘-Look, you don’t have to stick around here Sam, you can go if you want’.

‘And leave you alone here with Cas, _I don’t think so’_.

‘I think beehive will slap me soundly if I'm anything less than a gentleman Sammy’.

‘Yeah I think she will, thank god, well okay there's some stuff I need to pick up for Bobby, I should be able to find some of it around this maze, I won't be long. Dean, _please_ _don’t be a dick while I'm gone_ _’._

Dean picked up a 1950’s fashion magazine and pretended to leaf through it, ‘I can handle things without you Sammy’.

‘That’s what I'm afraid of Dean’.

‘Get lost already’.

Sam practically fled and Dean sighed, tossed the magazine aside and had a good look around the store; sadly the lingerie was nowhere to be seen, _trust Sam to pick out this kind of place_ , they had to ditch this modesty fest and get Cas to a store which specialised in plunging necklines and short hemlines ASAP this was not-

‘-Dean!’ Castiel rasped at the top of his lungs ‘Dean! **_Dean!’_**

Dean leapt up and raced into the ladies changing area expecting to find a demon attacking or Cas having suddenly turned back into a man half way through changing into woman’s underwear; what he found however was Castiel standing in nothing but a tiny pair of jade green lacy panties, and an unconscious sales assistant under a pile of clothes.

‘What the hell happened Cas?’

‘I don’t know’ Castiel wailed wide-eyed, and Dean realised he hadn't seen Cas this freaked since the time he dragged him to that brothel and ‘chastity’ made eyes at him.

‘Okay, just calm down, did you do this to her?’

‘Yes. I didn’t mean to, but she kept asking me questions, like what size I am, and I just got this body Dean _I do not know what size it is!_ And then she kept asking me about my cup size, I have no idea what that means, I do not drink from cups, and even if I did what would it matter what size they were? But when I told her that she looked at me like I was crazy, and then she um, she touched me here’ Castiel pointed at her breasts which distracted Dean completely as he tried desperately to focus on Castiel's Smokey voice and stop staring at her rack ‘...and then I put her to sleep’.

‘Well at least that means you’re getting some of your mojo back Cas’.

‘But I didn’t _mean_ to put her to sleep Dean it just _happened’._

‘Well okay so you panicked, no big deal, just fix her quickly, grab something to cover that smoking hot bod of yours, erm I mean get something to wear seriously anything will do at this point, and let’s get the hell out of here’.

‘This box is tiny and hot’ Castiel growled, and Dean’s mind went blank his eyes travelling south.

‘Dean!’ Sam barked stepping into the tiny changing room which was already at capacity, ‘really? Seriously? the minute I leave you alone with her? What the hell is wrong with you?-’ Sam noticed Castiel was topless and quickly turned his back.

‘Dean what's going on? Why is the sales assistant unconscious on the floor? Sam kicked Dean, ‘stop staring at Castiel’s crotch and answer me!’ Dean’s eyes snapped up and fixated on Castiel's exposed chest, ‘stop staring at those as well’ Sam hissed kicking Dean again ‘and just answer the damn question’.

Dean turned his back and ran his hand down his face, ‘um listen Cas, your cup size refers to the size of your breasts’.

‘What-’

‘-Not now Sam- that’s what she was talking about’.

Castiel’ looked down at her breasts in confusion ‘Well I have no idea what size they are Dean why does that matter?’

‘Well she has to know what size they are so she can get you a bra or something’.

‘Oh…, yes, I am unaccustomed to the sartorial needs of a female vessel’.

Dean took a deep breath ‘look Cas you need this stuff alright’.

‘Well when I did not know what size clothing I ought to purchase the woman placed her hands on my waist and said she had forgotten her tape measure but after all these years she didn’t really need one. I see now she was trying to measure me, when she touched me here, can you do this? Then I can wake her up and tell her when she asks me’.

‘ _Don’t even think about it'_  Sam hissed, ‘look Cas I’m gonna step out of here because we're gonna start attracting negative attention pretty soon guys aren’t allowed back here, -Dean _lets go-._ Cas I’m sure the sales assistant knows how to measure a lady without a tape, but believe me my idiot brother can’t guess your cup size just by feeling you up’.

‘You don’t know that Sam, _so stop acting like you do!_ Dean turned around and attempted to sound earnest 'Cas I think I can if I try’.

‘Not gonna happen Dean! Now come on’ Sam slapped his hand down on Dean's jacket collar and yanked him backwards.

‘Hey!’.

‘Cas listen just let her help you she’s not doing anything wrong okay, if you really feel uncomfortable then ask her to get a tape measure, all clothes come in different sizes, if you don’t know what size you are it will just make things more difficult.

‘Okay Sam. Dean um, will you stay close by in case I need your help, this situation is strange to me and I find this woman… grating, she keeps asking me personal questions about my… about, well she assumed you were my… because of the way you were looking at me’.

‘Well just don’t answer any personal questio ns wait, what? why was she asking about you and me?... you know what never mind’ Dean barked taking in Sam's _you're kidding right!_ expression and not liking it one bit, ‘just try and hurry this along, just er tell her you’re not feeling well, you know fake a female thing if you have to and-’.

‘-How do I do that?’

‘-Never mind, just get some clothes, I'm begging you, anything will do at this point so we can get the hell out of here’.

Castiel nodded but Dean could see it he- _she_ was still freaked and he couldn’t resist smiling. He had seen Cas face down the likes of Alistair without flinching even when he was getting his ass kicked, and yet here he was freaked out by the prospect of lacy panties.

Dean looked up to find Cas glaring at him which schooled her new feminine features into an expression he recognized from the male version of Castiel, _which_ _should have made her far less appealing but didn’t,_ the glaring turned into outright snarling as she was obviously reading his thoughts again, and things went rapidly from appealing to _disturbingly_ **hot**.

‘Well since you're such an expert on female undergarments Dean why don’t you help me instead of standing there thinking that I am a coward’.

‘Whoa, I don’t think you’re a coward Cas, I just think that you would honestly rather face down Alistair than-’.

‘-I know what you think’ Cas rasped furiously her blue eyes blazing as Dean took a step towards her almost involuntarily,  _the complete opposite of his usual reaction to a furious Castiel_. Dean saw sense at the last moment and halted. If he so much as _looked_ at Cas just to appreciate her new form- _because Damn there was a lot to appreciate_ \- Sam started bitching, if he stayed here much longer he might _really_ start appreciating her new form... Not that he wanted to or anything... It was still Cas after all... almost naked Cas... With her full perfect breast heaving with all that disturbingly hot indignation... Dean took another step forward. Sam was going to bitch about his so-called ‘sleazing’ for hours as it was anyway, so what did it matter if he just- _wait_ _what the hell was he doing!_ It was still Cas, no matter how he- damn it **_she_** looked now, he couldn’t just… ‘Look I’ll just be out here in the waiting area, where men er... people wait okay, do you think you can wake up the sales assistant after we leave?'

‘I believe so’.

‘Okay well you do that and then let her check your sizes okay, trust me it's gonna be fine Cas’.

‘Would you get the hell out here already?!’

Dean jumped at the sound of Sam's voice as he started dragging him backwards out of the changing area, _he had completely forgotten that Sam was still there!_

Sam noted his reaction and gave him bitch face ‘so you planning how to pop the question yet?’ he sneered as he pushed Dean back into his seat.

‘Ha ha Sammy’.

‘I thought I specifically asked you _not_ to be a dick when I was gone’.

‘I wasn't-’.

‘-I found you in the women’s changing area with Cas practically naked, how exactly is that _not_ being a dick’.

‘Hey she called me’.

‘Whatever Dean, I only came back to drop off some of the bags, and make sure you weren’t making a complete idiot of yourself, and it's a good job I did’.

‘I wasn’t-’

‘-I'm almost done, so just please-’.

‘-Sam if you tell me not to act like a dick one more time, so help me, I am going to punch you in yours’.

Sam's smug you wouldn’t do that to me smile irritated Dean so he kicked Sam in the ankle, _hard._ Sam's expression went from smug, to shocked, to murderous, ‘fine, get smited then, see if I care’ Sam snarled his expression promising retribution as he left the store.

Dean leant back in his chair and tried not to picture Cas in those little lace panties and failed. He looked around and realised Cas wasn’t there to read his mind and bitch about what her snooping showed her, and Sam wasn’t here to decide on his own what he was thinking and bitch about what his interfering made him imagine, in short, _he could think what he liked._

The scent of floral perfume was overwhelming but not unpleasant as he relaxed completely in the comfortable chair, and it really was hot in this little place just like Cas said. A smile spread across his face at Castiel's unintentional double meaning earlier, and the image of her in those panties and the hint of silky looking blue-black curls behind the jade lace seeped into his mind as he blissfully let his thoughts run riot.

‘-What the hell is taking him, I mean _her_ so long in there anyway, he’s - _she’s_ been in there for like half an hour’.

Sam's voice boomed through his thoughts and ruined everything just when it was getting good, _the_ _sonuvabitch._

‘What are you talking about you just left a minute ago, why’d the hell you have to come back so soon anyway?’

Sam raised his eyebrows ‘Dude I've been gone for like half an hour’.

‘No you haven’t it's only been five minutes’.

Sam gestured at the new shopping bags in his hands ‘dude she’s been in there forever, I’ve been all over this place getting weird stuff for Bobby, wait a minute, _Were you so busy fantasising about her you lost all track of time_? Sam's eyebrows rose and a smile spread across his face as Dean tried to hide his expression, ‘you were! Dude, you were totally sitting here dreaming about your little crush like a damn school girl’.

‘No I wasn’t!’ Dean snapped ‘I was just sitting here thinking about the case’.

‘What case?’ Sam laughed ‘we’re not on any case’.

‘Er hello? The case of how our little nerdy dude angel changed from dude to a hot chick, you know **_that case’_**.

‘Oh _that_ case’, Sam nodded slowly and then laughed harder as he arranged the shopping bags and collapsed his large frame into the armchair beside Dean tossing back his hair and grinning at him with relish, ‘so when you were _thinking_ about the case, was Cas wearing any clothes at all or did you just skip right to the nudity?’.

‘Dean's face flushed under Sam's amused scrutiny and he abruptly shot to his feet striding towards the female changing area before Sam could stop him. ‘You’re right, she has been in there forever, you know what, I’m gonna go check on her, you stay here’.

‘Dean are you nuts get back here!’ Sam hissed between clenched teeth as he leapt to his feet chasing after Dean.

‘Cas!’ Dean barked marching into the woman's changing area where they had left Cas and yanking back the curtain like he had a right to ‘what the hell’s taking so long? You buying the whole department?’

‘Oh God no’ Sam moaned as an elderly woman shrieked, throwing a dress in Dean's face and shielding herself with her hands’.

‘Who the hell are you?’ Dean barked recovering from his open mouthed shock and sticking his head further into the room, looking around the small changing area as if the old woman had hidden Castiel, ‘Where the hell is Cas?’

‘Dean stop it’ Sam barked physically dragging Dean away, ‘please excuse my idiot brother Mame he’s just upset because he can’t find his girlfriend-’

‘-Hey!’

‘-We are so sorry, look were leaving now Mame, _please don’t call security_ , this is a simple misunderstanding. His girlfriend was in this changing room, and well there in love, and he gets separation anxiety if he's away from her for too long’.

‘Sammy you are really asking for it’ Dean hissed under his breath through clenched teeth.

‘Oh that’s so sweet’ the old lady beamed at Dean, Sam picked up the dress she had thrown at Dean off the floor and handed it to her, ‘she's a very lucky thing your wife, my late husband was crazy about me when we were young things in love like that too’.

‘That colour dress will look lovely on you by the way Mame’ Sam smiled while manhandling Dean away from the dressing room ‘it really er… brings out your eyes’.

‘Oh aren't you sweet, thank you dear’ the old lady smiled as she closed the curtain.

‘Really brings out your eyes’ Dean snorted ‘ _So frigging gay Sammy’_.

‘ _Shut the hell_ up’ Sam growled ‘you almost got us into some serious trouble you idiot, if she had called security, I would be trying to explain to frigging mall cops, that my deranged idiot brother busting into the women’s changing area and exposing nice old ladies was not actually about getting his pervert rocks off'.

‘Where the hell is Cas’ Dean hissed throwing Sam's arm off him and striding back towards the changing rooms as Sam grabbed him with both hands and pulled him back the other way, **‘Cas get out here now’** Dean bellowed as Sam tried to clap his hands over Dean's mouth. Cas came rushing out of a changing room colliding with Dean as he shoved Sam back and whipped around to face her, and Sam watched in disbelief as Dean’s hands went to her waist and he mumbled softly ‘where the hell have you been?’

Sam rolled his eyes, he wasn’t getting caught back here because Dean had lost his mind. ‘Any problems Cas you call me on my cell, and you might want to let go of her now Dean, she can stand on her own’.

Castiel frowned watching Sam's retreating back, ‘He has been treating me very differently since this whole change occurred, and despite my assuring him otherwise he is still acting as if I need his protection, why does he think I am no longer capable of looking after myself?’

‘Where the hell were you?’ Dean repeated distracted by the short pink satiny dressing gown she was barely wearing and hardly registering what she was saying, ‘why weren’t you in the changing room? Sam exposed some poor old lady looking for you; he was worried something else weird had happened to you, where did you go?’

‘I told Julia that the box was too small and hot’.

Dean’s mind went blank for a second.

‘So she moved us to another... _Dean why are you thinking about sex again?’_

‘I’m not thinking about sex’ Dean lied finding himself unwilling to relinquish his hold on her satin clad waist.

‘Yes you are’ Castiel’s frown deepened ‘you are also acting strangely with me, does the change in the appearance of my physical vessel really make this much difference?’

 _Hells yeah,_ Dean barked mentally,  _and the cute sexy little thing Cas was almost wearing wasn’t helping matters, it barely skimmed the top of her thighs and the open neckline gave him a spectacular view of her amazing rack. He so took it all back about vintage ladies clothing being boring, this little number was seriously smoking hot, and it was making her perfect breasts look like they were about to spill out and-_

‘-That’s what I thought’ Cas rasped looking down at her breasts ‘I told that woman that this thing does not fit at all, clothes are supposed to provide coverage, but that woman insisted you would like it this way’.

‘Huh? Why me?’

‘Well now I can go back and tell her you agree with me, this garment _is_ too small’.

‘Yeah yeah way to small’ rushed out of his mouth’ as _It’s the frigging perfect size, **look at the way it clings to those curves**! _ raced through his mind. Castiel’s frown turned into a scowl indicating she had heard his thoughts, which unfortunately were in direct contradiction with his words.

Dean pulled Cas a little closer ‘Look Cas I’m sorry if we’re, _if I’m,_ making this whole thing harder it’s just, it’s a shock okay were used to you as a dude’.

‘You and your brother are adept at dealing with shock and strange situations why should this be any different?’

A hundred reasons why raced through Dean’s brain before he could stop them and Castiel looked down at her new body.

‘Is this new form really so interesting to you Dean?’

Dean groaned inwardly ‘Cas _please_ ’ he moaned softly ‘let’s just get this over with’.

Castiel stared up at him and Dean licked his lips, _god she was beautiful_. The strange thing was she didn’t look _different_ exactly, it was more that every feature was slightly altered to be it’s beautiful feminine equivalent, in short standing in front of him practically naked and looking as perplexed as he had ever seen was his Angel, his Cas. Her expression grew even more bewildered and Dean couldn't help thinking the crazy thought that she looked like an incredibly sexy little kitten or something as she stared up at him her soft pink lips parting slightly. Dean licked his lips again and his head seemed to be lowering of his own accord.

‘ **Are you kidding me with this!’** Sam barked ‘ _Dean what is your freaking problem_? Do you think I want to keep sneaking into the women’s changing area like some kind of pervert? Come on, were leaving, _now_. If you can’t act right you can just go wait in the damn car.... **_DEAN!’_**

Dean opened his eyes and jumped as Sam seemed to appear out of nowhere loudly barking his name.

‘He did not appear out of nowhere Dean he’s been standing here chastising you for quite some time’.

‘You know Cas you never used to read my mind this much before you became a chick’.

‘Yes I did’.

‘ _Well you didn’t talk about it all the time’_ Dean hissed.

‘But you were mostly thinking what you were saying then so there was nothing to talk about; now I find that your either thinking of me in what I am beginning to realise is a purely licentious manner, or you are thinking of _lying_ about thinking of me in a purely licentious manner’.

‘Look lady it’s not my fault’ Dean huffed, ‘I’m a dude, all dudes think about hot chicks like that’.

‘Speak for yourself asshat’ Sam hissed.

‘Well obviously I don’t mean guys who prefer to think about other dudes like you Sammy’.

‘You’re an idiot Dean’ Sam huffed.

‘It’s in the guy code Cas, _it's in our DNA_ , I can’t change that’.

‘You’re actually saying that to someone who resurrected you and has literally seen your DNA?! _how dumb are you planning on getting today?’_

‘If she's seen it then she knows exactly what I'm talking about’.

Castiel's expression said she had no idea what he was talking about, but as she opened her mouth to say something Sam dragged him away.

‘I can’t believe you were about to frigging kiss Cas!’ Sam hissed as he marched Dean back to the seating area, ‘you can't just go suck face with an Angel of the lord, are you crazy!’

‘I was not trying to suck face - damit Sam, _I wasn’t going to kiss her’._

‘Yeah, right, look Dean I’ve seen you putting the moves on more barmaids and waitresses them I care to, _I think I know what you look like when you’re about to start sucking face with someone’._

‘Spying on your innocent brother when he's getting some Sammy, now who’s the pervert?’

‘Er, that would still be you, and spying? you have to be joking! I'm talking about the stuff you pull with women in full view of the public, frankly sometimes I was surprised you didn’t just go for it right there on the bar or the pool table’.

‘No thanks Sam, I prefer to stay classy’.

Sam raised his eyebrows in disbelief and Dean glared at him, ‘look whatever you say, I was _not_ putting the moves on Cas... _it’s Cas’_.

‘I’m well aware of that Dean, now maybe if you can convince your dumb stick of that we might finally start to get somewhere’.

‘My what? – _hey there's nothing dumb about my-’_.

‘-Spare me, Sam hissed ‘you know I just can't figure out why the hell you’re acting this way, anyone would think you'd never seen a beautiful woman before’.

‘Hey what do you mean beautiful woman? You think she's hot don’t you!’ Dean accused furiously.

Sam sighed ‘I didn’t say she was hot, I said she's beautiful, she is, so what? That doesn't mean you have to act like a damn dog in heat, you're embarrassing us both, Cas is our friend, and underneath it all he's still a dude, you might want to try remembering that’.

‘You think you’re so damn smart poindexter, did you forget that technically Cas isn't a dude, he's not an anything, when they're not in a human vessel they're junkless down there remember?’

Sam glared at Dean, ‘well Cas _is_ in a vessel, and just because the vessel he was in has been trans-gendered, or whatever the hell is going on -I mean your guess is as good as mine- but the point is he, er _she_ isn't junkless while in a vessel-, damn it, I'm not having this conversation, and you're gonna stay put until he-slash-she comes out, _do you hear me’._

‘You’re not the boss of me!’ Dean huffed.

‘Given the way you're acting, for the remainder of this trip _yeah Dean I think I am’._

Dean was about to tell Sam exactly what he could do with himself when Cas finally emerged, teetering on dangerously high heels in a strapless ultra-feminine summer dress complete with petticoats.

Dean rushed to her side catching her as she pitched forward.

‘What is the point of such ludicrous footwear’ Castiel rasped sounding furious as Dean held her closer than was necessary and Sam rolled his eyes.

‘Um, because they make your legs look sexy?’ Dean grinned as Sam glared at him.

‘Dean I do not see what that has to do with anything, it is not required that I look sexy to fulfil my duties here on earth’.

‘Yeah but it can't hurt right?!’ Dean smirked ‘besides not sure you have any choice on the looking sexy front’. Dean grinned wider as he pulled her closer under the guise of helping her stand straight and Sam scowled at him.

‘Thank you Dean it is difficult to maintain balance in this strange footwear, but I believe I can stand unaided now’.

Dean stepped back a little and then walked around Cas slowly in what Sam could only think of as a predatory circle, ‘Cas are those silk stockings!’ Dean exclaimed as he actually crouched down low running his hand down Castiel's silk clad calf as Sam drew in his breath in disbelief, ‘oh my God they are and they have seems up the back, _that is so damn hot’._

‘Dean back off’ Sam growled.

Dean ignored him completely or else didn’t hear him and Sam struggled for patience, ‘look Cas I think these probably aren’t the right clothes for you, I’m thinking more pants and shirt for our er, line of work’.

Dean's head shot round and he gave Sam a very unfriendly look and Sam's eyes narrowed, _oh now he suddenly wants to hear me?_

‘I thought so too Sam, but you insisted that I trust that woman to know what was right for me to wear and _she_ insisted that this would drive Dean crazy.’

‘Well she was right there’ Sam sighed.

‘Shut up Sam. Cas, didn’t you tell her we’re cousins or whatever the hell Sam said we were?’

‘She said no cousin ought to be looking at me like that, so to avoid suspicion I told her that Sam was my cousin and you were his friend, then she asked me what kind of women you liked, and I said ones that were mostly undressed, and then she clothed me in this’.

‘Where is the sales assistant by the way- Dean get up and quit touching her leg- you didn’t knock her out again did you?’.

‘No, she said she would put a few more items together while I showed Dean this absurd garment’.

Sam snorted with laughter at Castiel's petulant expression and Dean rose to his feet and ran his hand down over his face ‘ah yeah well, okay, listen this obviously isn’t working, we need some help, we need a modern girl, a real one, no offense Cas’.

‘None taken Dean’.

‘Thankfully Sam’s here so we won’t have to look far...’ Sam stopped laughing and glared at Dean while Dean smirked because he could have sworn Sam was embarrassed to be called a girl in front of girl-Cas.

Sam's eyes narrowed, he had officially had it with his idiot brother today, ‘listen asshat, that isn't funny, it wasn’t funny when we were kids, and it's not funny now, and you know what Dean you can just-’

‘- ** _No you listen!’_** Cas barked, but with her new voice it was sexy as all get out and both Winchesters heads whipped round to look at her ‘it was your stupid idea to come here, I told you what my vessel wears is of no import but you would not listen, and now I am in this-’ Castiel gestured furiously at the useless tiny summer dress- ‘ ** _ridiculous attire_** _’._

‘Okay look just calm down’ Sam placated.

‘I am calm!’ Castiel snapped as Dean noticed a slight shift in air pressure that he associated with Cas about to let fly with the Angel mojo.

‘Whoa whoa, Cas you don’t need to smite us okay’ Dean placated his voice a little panicked as the lights began to flicker ‘we’re just trying to help’.

‘ _How?_ By subjecting me to this… _humiliation’._

Dean raised his eyebrows and looked over at Sam, ‘Maybe we should have just left him the way he was before’.

‘Dean you’re not helping’.

‘Hey, maybe the other Angels are less uptight than we think and Cas flying around with no underwear really won't bother them’.

‘Dean!’

‘I’m just saying maybe a buck naked under the trench coat Cas would be-’

 _‘-_ Dean stop talking! Cas listen to me okay, coming here was a mistake, we're just going to have to go to another store, one where the sales assistant is not hell bent on dressing you up for a romantic night with Dean’.

‘-Hey!’

‘Come on, we’ll just pay for this so you have something to wear out of here, and go somewhere else okay’.

Castiel suddenly seemed forlorn and deflated as all the fight seemed to go out of her ‘Okay Sam’.

‘It's gonna be okay Cas I promise’ Dean whispered stroking her bare shoulder and then snatching his hand back as Sam cleared his throat loudly.

‘Where's beehive? We need to get this show on the road, **_Hey can we get some service over here?’_** Dean bellowed. The sales assistant appeared looking flustered, with piles of clothes in her arms, and Dean lowered his voice and poured on the charm. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to yell there, I'm just concerned my cousin- er, that is my friend's cousin is doing a little too much too soon out of the hospital’. Dean drew the sales assistant over to one side, ‘just between you and me she's feeling a little emotional after everything she's been through, and we probably should have waited a few more days to do this, so we're gonna just pay for what she's wearing and call it a day alright’.

‘Whatever you say sugar’ the sales assistant drawled as she tried and failed to hide her disappointment at the loss of a fat commission while resting the small mountain of vintage clothing on the arm chair. ‘Will you be wanting everything she's wearing?’

‘Yes, we’ll take it all’ Dean took out his credit card and the sales assistant eyed it with distaste.

‘We prefer cash at this establishment young man’.

Dean hit her with a smile ‘come on, just this once what do you say, I mean you do have a machine around here somewhere right hmmm’, Dean waved the credit card at her and turned up the wattage on his smile trying to ignore the judgment he could feel coming off Sam, -who was a fine one to judge him when he used his puppy eye thing to get what he wanted all the time, and he should know, Sam used it on him often enough, and it pissed him off to no end that it worked damn near every time-, yet when he used his way with the ladies to get what he wanted Sam went all huffy on him-, god, _Sam could be such a pain in the ass sometimes_.

‘Oh all right’ the sales assistant smiled and patted Dean's cheek ‘but only because you are such a darlin’.

‘Dean leant closer and whispered ‘could you throw in that pink satiny thing she was wearing earlier as well?’

The sales assistant gave him a knowing smile and whispered ‘sure thing sugar, I’ll go pack it’.

The sales assistant disappeared into the back and Dean turned his attention back to Cas who almost fell over trying to take her shoes off, Sam's arm shot out to support her before Dean had time to move and Castiel took the high heels off glaring at them and looking belligerent enough to throw then across the vintage store.

Sam ever the gentlemen tried to conceal his laughter as he took the shoes from her. The shoes looked tiny in his massive sasquatch hands, and Dean didn’t like the feeling creeping over him as Sam towered over her patting her bare shoulder awkwardly as he reassured her that the next place they picked would be better.

‘Yes. I hope the next assistant does not keep asking me just between us girls, what Dean is like in bed’.

Sam burst out laughing ‘She asked you that! what did you tell her?’

'I said he tossed and turned and sometimes in an effort to get to sleep he seized himself and-’

‘-Okay, whoa, no forget I asked, I really don’t need to know that Cas, especially since I'm usually sleeping in the bed across from him’.

‘Then she asked me if you were available, and that while you were a little too young for her she had a lovely single niece about your age’.

‘Please tell me you said no’ Sam groaned.

‘I told her that she was not too old for you’.

‘Dude! I mean, not-dude, _whatever_ , why the hell would you do that? she's like fifty or something’.

‘62’.

‘Really? Damn that’s a lot of Botox’.

‘What is bo-’

‘-Never mind, why would did you tell her that?’

‘Because Dean told me that you once dated an elderly grandmother when you were even younger than you are now and that she couldn't keep her hands off you and you came back reeking of copulation’.

‘I'm gonna kick Dean's ass’ Sam growled furiously as Castiel stared at him quizzically. ‘Cas it's not what you think, we were on a case years ago and that bitch Bella set us up and forced us into working with her, and then she and Dean thought it was funny to pimp me out to some grabby handsy old lady so they could go after this cursed hand while I was nearly groped to death, but _that’s it_ nothing else happened’.

‘So you did not copulate with this elderly woman as Dean believes?’

‘Dean knows damn well I didn’t’ Sam seethed and Dean could practically hear Sam's jaw clenching as he looked away trying and failing to contain his laughter.

‘Oh, then I have unintentionally given that sales assistant the wrong information, I should correct this, she was very pleased when I told her you did not mind copulating with women even older than she was, and she was just asking me for your number when I heard Dean shouting for me to come out’.

‘That’s it! _**we're leaving**_ \- Dean we’re going on ahead’.

‘Hey!’ Dean barked as Sam ushered Cas towards the exit hurriedly.

‘But Sam don’t you think I should let the sales assistant know that I gave her misinformation about you being happy to copulate with elderly women’.

‘I'm sure Dean can tell her’ Sam seethed between clenched teeth his face flushing as he held the door open for Cas and Dean couldn't help smiling at having played an unwitting part in setting Sam up in another cougar situation because hey, that was _always_ fun.

The sales assistant emerged from the back, her immaculate beehive in disarray as she brandished an old fashioned carbon copy credit card machine from the 1980’s, ‘I found it sugar’ .

Dean whistled low at the price of the silly dress and killer heels but he was more than happy to pay for the stockings, because A: it wasn’t technically his money, and B: after everything Sam had put him through today, frankly he was well within his rights to throw that satin number Cas was wearing earlier into the deal, _he deserved something good in his life right now_. Sadly since Sam had high-jacked the situation and appointed himself in charge he would probably catch up with them to find Cas dressed head to toe in men's flannel. Dean actually shuddered at the thought and decided to hurry this up, _the sooner he put a stop to that damn brother of his, the better._

The sales assistant was scrutinising him beneath her long false eyelashes as he faked a signature and he wondered if she suspected his hacked credit card, although how she could tell with that relic credit card machine he couldn't say, but it was better to be on the safe side so he turned the charm up another notch and made small talk as he finished up the payment and she handed him his purchases and a receipt; so not the credit card, then what was all the staring about?

Dean groaned inwardly, his fake smile disappearing as he suddenly recalled Cas telling Sam she had told the sales assistant he spent his nights tossing and turning and seizing himself. There was only one way the sales assistant would think Cas could possibly know how he spent his nights and angelic snooping although accurate would not be it, which meant she believed he was spending his nights chronically masturbating while sleeping beside a beautiful woman who he was pretending was his cousin.

**_Of course she was staring at him like he was insane._ **


	6. No Dukes? No Deal!

'Going on ahead my ass', Dean snapped under his breath, reaching for his phone, _how the hell was he supposed to find Cas in this maze anyway_? 'Sam where the hell are you? he snapped when Sam answered on the second ring.

'Um.. let me see, we're in this unisex store one floor down from where we were-’

'- _I knew it'_ Dean interrupted full of rage 'I knew you would be trying to dress her head to toe in flannel the moment my back was turned _**you sonuvabitch!'**_

'What! I'm not trying- look, I'm just trying to get her some jeans and I don't know t-shirts some regular stuff you know'.

' _I'm gonna kick your ass_ Sammy'.

'Why Dean? Because I'm not trying to dress her up like a playboy bunny for you?'

'You stay right where you are, _and DO NOT make a single purchase until I get there **do you hear me?'**_ Dean stabbed the end call button angrily and headed for the escalator. He found the store quickly and big surprise it was practically a flannel emporium, **_typical Sam_**. 'Nice try Sammy', he hissed under his breath while Sam stared at him as if he really hadn't been trying to ruin everything behind his back, 'hey there Cas'.

'Hello Dean'.

Dean found himself reaching for Cas before he could stop himself, _but then again,_ he thought, _why should he stop himself? He wasn't doing anything wrong, Cas was his Angel, after all,_. 'Listen we're gonna get out of here okay' he smiled putting his arm around her shoulders casually, 'Sam's confused bringing you here, it happens when you lead a double life, you know one where you dress like a backwoodsman in layers of flannel but secretly wear plus size ladies panties under your-'

'-Dean _will you shut up'_ Sam hissed.

'Sorry Sam didn't mean to reveal your little secret there'.

Sam rolled his eyes and prayed for patience 'Dean what the hell do you want to do here anyway? I mean you do realise that she's actually going to have to be seen out in public in the clothes we buy her right?

'Yeah so?'

' _So_ a few bikinis and I don't know, a PVC maids outfit aren't really going to cut it'.

'Shows what you know Sammy, I would _never_ buy her a PVC maids outfit, what the hell do you think I am a savage! She wouldn't be able to breathe in that get up'.

'And how the hell do you know that, you try it yourself?

'No smart ass, Lisa tried it for me once back in the day, and she said… wait a minute, Cas doesn't really have to breathe as far as I know so maybe-'

'Don't even think about it Dean!'

'You're the one that bought it up!'

'I don't care!'

'She threw my coat in the trash' Cas suddenly said sounding small and forlorn, 'I tried to get it back but when I turned around it was gone, she said it wasn't even fit to donate to goodwill because it looked like it already belonged to a hobo, and it was certainly nothing for a pretty little thing like me to wear, but that was my coat, my vessels coat'.

'I'm sorry she did that Cas' Dean murmured sympathetically, as he thought,  _well_   _beehives stock just went up._  'She was mean Cas, you could tell by the hair'.

'But I am going to need it when I change back'.

'Look I'm sure you can shazam yourself a new one when you get your full mojo back, until then stop worrying about it alright?’

'Okay Dean'.

'That's the spirit Cas, now I saw someplace that we just have to try on the way down here'.

'But Dean why can't we just get something from here and leave, this whole thing is-'

'-Hell no we can't get anything from here! Nothing would fit you for a start, Sam seems to have dragged you into the nearest sasquatch outfitters on autopilot'.

'Get bent Dean'.

'Not my style Sammy'.

'But Dean-'

'-No can do Cas, I'm sorry but you're just going to have to trust me on this one, this is not the place for you, I mean all this flannel and hillbilly wear and not even **_one_** decent pair of Daisy Dukes in sight, _no dice_ , we're getting out of here'.

'Oh god' Sam groaned under his breath.

'What are Daisy Dukes?'

'They're these cute little-

'-Don't worry about it Cas' Sam interjected 'it's nothing, let's just go okay'.

Dean smirked at Sam as he led Cas away humming a few bars of the theme tune to “The Dukes of Hazard” then switching to “who likes short shorts” while eyeing up Castiel's backside as he nudged her ahead of him towards the exit, and hung back a second to enjoy the view.

Sam sighed in exasperation and shook his head slowly.

'Look Sam I think it's clear that you have no taste in clothes whatsoever, I mean you did take her to 'yetis are us' the moment my back was turned, it just proves that you're not up to this job, so I think it's best that I take charge of this mission'.

'Yeah right! that’s not gonna hap-' Sam's phone rang, and Bobby's aggravated tone when he hit answer suggested that things were not going well on the _“who in the hell turned Cas into a woman?”_ front.

‘I Googled where you two knuckleheads are and it seems there's this new-agey Wiccan store there that lucky for us just so happens to have some of the things I need, I'm texting you a list now, so you're gonna have to go back there and-'

‘-Er, we’re still there Bobby’.

'What?! you should be halfway to my place by now at least. Did something else happen?’

‘Um, no not exactly’.

‘You mean to tell me you two morons are still clothes shopping like a couple of ladies when we have a major situation on our hands?'

'Oh this isn't my fault Bobby, this is on Dean, and trust me you don't know the half of it, _you have no idea what a giant pain in the ass he’s being’_.

'So what else is new? Just get the damn lead out already, somebody who had the power to do something like this, _to an Angel_ , without them even knowing about it is someone we _need_ to know something about, _and right now we know less than squat,_ I think that's a bit more important that the fact your brother is being a pain in the ass, as usual, don’t you? Now would you just get something for Cas to walk or fly around in so he, goddamit **_she_** don't get arrested for being buck nekid when she pops in and out, and get the hell out of there, I mean you can handle a little thing like that can't you Sam?'

'Bobby you don't understand' Sam lowered his voice 'Dean is this close to getting smited back to hell for blasphemy! If one of Castiel's brothers still loyal to him sees how Dean's behaving, there gonna want to smite him right in the face on principle’.

'-What part of _I don't care we have larger concerns_ are you not understanding? Now tell Dean to stop being a jackass, just because his best buddy got turned into an I'm assuming pretty girl, wrap this up fast, and get your asses back here!'

‘I'm on it as soon as we finish with this clothes fiasco-’

_- **Click**_

'Listen Dean, that was Bobby, he said to stop being a jackass. I have to head out for a while, Bobby needs some more stuff to help figure this out, and he's surly on a whole new level today.  He's been looking into this whole thing with Cas since I told him about it when he called me at the motel this morning, and he said something as big as this happening, someone with the juice to swing it, there should be talk, but so far there's nothing, that sound good or even right to you Dean?'

'No. Tell him to keep trying and we'll get in it and help him as soon as we get back'.

'Alright, so let’s hurry this up, Bobby has just texted a list of ingredients he needs for some spells that might help us, you should go get it while-'

'- _ **Not gonna happen'.**_

'What?'

'I'm not leaving you alone with Cas'.

'You can't be serious right now, you're the one perving on her Dean not me, you're the one she shouldn't be left alone with!'

'Say whatever you want Sam, but there's no way I'm leaving her to go get witchy stuff for Bobby'.

'Fine, _I’ll go get it_ , but you have to take Cas somewhere normal and get her some regular stuff, understand. Now, do you think you can behave long enough to do that? Or am I going to have to buy you a muzzle and chain you to a fire hydrant to stop you making an ass of yourself? ... Dean?' Sam looked up from reading Bobby's text message to find he was talking to himself and people were staring at him.

**_Dean and Cas were gone._ **


	7. They Smite Jackasses Don't They?

Sam called Dean's number immediately.

‘Oh hey Sam’.

‘ _Dean what the hell?’_

‘Calm down Sammy, everything’s fine, Cas accidently shazamed us down a floor, apparently she wants to get this over with and get to Bobby's to figure this out even more than you do, luckily for us this place being so damn crowded actually worked in our favour and no one noticed us popping into the thick of this mad rush to a sale on chicks shoes that just started, we're just fighting out way out of the crazy now- Cas don’t let go of my hand okay’.

‘Okay Dean. I am sorry that-

‘-Hey don’t worry about it, sure beats walking’.

‘But you have always hated being “zapped” as you call it’.

‘Yeah well that was before… you're um better at it now’.

‘That does not seem likely Dean, I think you are saying all this in an effort to make me feel better for my lapse in control’

‘Way to over think it Cas, just take the compliment!’

‘Dean! I'm still on the line you know’.

‘Oh yeah, hi Sam, anyway she's fine, I'm fine, so just go get Bobby's stuff and I’ll see you in a bit’.

‘Alright, and Dean-’ 

‘-Sorry Sam, can't hear you over all the provocative ladies fashion down here!’

‘Dean don’t you dare-’

-Click

**_Damn it!_**

#  ** **************** **

The new-agey Wiccan place as Bobby called it was surprisingly good, it even had some pretty accurate books. He scanned a few and found one on ancient Angelic lore, which might prove useful in their current predicament. He was about to start scanning it too when he remembered that it definitely wasn't a good idea to leave Dean alone with Cas for a second longer than necessary and decided to buy it instead, adding it to the rest of his purchases and calling Dean as the self-professed Wiccan cashier handed him his bagged goods and his receipt. 

'Blessed be'.

'Er, right, thanks'.

'What do you want Sam' Dean answered on the fifth ring.

'I'm done here, where are you guys?'

'Oh you know around'.

'What the hell does that mean? Dean was acting cagey, _which wasn't a good sign._ 'and why the hell did it take you so long to answer the damn phone?'

'Look why don't you just go back to that coffee house near where we left you and we'll come meet you in 15 minutes'.

'No, tell me where you are'.

'Okay that's settled then, see you in a bit, Sammy'.

_'Dean wait-'_

_**-Click.** _

_Great. What was it with, Dean and Bobby and hanging up on him today?_ Sam sighed as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. _Dean was up to something._ He could only hope it was something that didn't get his fool self smited he thought acidly as he headed back to the coffee house and lowered himself into one of the stupid little plastic seats outside the shop that could barely fit a child in, stacking the shopping beside him while reaching for his vibrating phone and checking the text message.

_Wican world any good?_  
_Dean still acting like a jackass just because Cas has lady parts now?_  



Sam shifted uncomfortably in the stupid little chair which creaked ominously as he typed:

 _You have no idea._  
_Place you sent me was actually pretty good,_  
_got the stuff you asked for,_  
_really think you can use it to find out who did this to Cas?_

_Won't know for sure until I give it a try,_  
_this aint what you'd call an exact science boy._  



_Found a pretty good book full of Angelic lore,_  
_maybe it will help._

_Let's hope._  
_Course ain't much help unless I get to look at it sometime today,_  
_so grab ya eidjit brother and shag ass already!_ 


_Heading to you soon as I pry Dean off Cas._

#  ** **************** **

Dean and Cas arrived 20 minutes later and Sam just knew something was up; Cas was looking more bewildered than ever and Dean was just too damn happy and he had this stupid grin plastered on his face every time he looked at Cas, which probably didn't mean anything good.

'What the hell have you been doing' he snapped glaring at his idiot brother.

'Nothing just getting Cas some essentials'.

'And what are we calling essentials Dean?'

'You know…essentials. Can we go already? I thought you wanted to hurry this up'.

'Cas, _are you wearing lip-gloss?!'_ Sam blurted out incredulously.

'Dean said it would help me get into the right frame of mind, but I can not see how, and it tastes strange'.

'You're not supposed to eat it Cas' Dean murmured staring intently at her mouth 'someone else is supposed to taste it for you, that's how it works'.

'I can not help it Dean it is on my mouth, I am unaccustomed to having a sticky gelatinous substance smeared over my lips'.

Dean groaned faintly. 

'Right frame of mind for what Cas?' Sam interrupted nudging Dean to make him snap out of it.

'Right frame of mind to shop for women's clothes Sammy what else'.

'I was asking Cas, and the names _Sam_ ' he scowled. Dean only ever called him Sammy constantly when he was trying to irritate him, _or when he was feeling guilty about something_. 'How many times are you gonna call me Sammy today anyway?'

'As many times as I feel like _Sammy._ Now we better get going we still have to get Cas something to wear other than that this Doris Day number she's wearing'.

'Wait, are you seriously telling me that you haven't been buying her clothes this whole time! What the hell have you been doing then? you know what never mind, I can guess, they have a playboy bunny store around here after all Dean?'

'Get your mind out of the gutter Sammy, honestly I'm ashamed of you'.

'You're ashamed of me, that's rich!'

'Look Cas and I have things to do Sam, are you coming or not?'

Sam's mouth fell open in outrage as Dean led Cas away, **_as if HE was the one acting like a jackass and causing all the trouble!_ **


	8. Better Run Through The (Lipstick) Jungle

Sam followed behind Cas and Dean as they wandered around the giant mall aimlessly and Dean's arm which was now glued around Castiel's shoulders like it was the most natural thing in the world made them look like a couple and him like a hulking third wheel pointlessly tagging along.

Instead of stopping at the nearest hooker outlet store as Sam was expecting Dean chose a store that seemed surprisingly classy from the outside; but since Dean had picked it Sam didn't trust it and wondered what Dean was up to as he bundled Cas into the store.

'Better let me take those Cas' Dean whispered and Sam noticed that the bags Cas had been clasping had _Agent Provocateur_ emblazoned across the back and his jaw tightened.

'What are you 12?' he hissed at Dean.

'Oh trust me Sammy they don't sell anything a 12-year-old would be able to handle' Dean winked at him and ushered Cas to the sales assistant playing the same game they had in the vintage store, but this time he made it clear that Cas was in shock, and needed help, and obviously they didn't know her sizes, and all she had was what she was wearing, naturally Sam thought acidly, Dean neglected to mention that thanks to him Cas actually had the clothes she was wearing _plus_ _bags full of lingerie._

Dean took the sales assistant to one side and whispered something to her that her face flushing red as she stared at Dean awkwardly for a moment before saying 'whatever you say sir'.

Sam's eyes narrowed and his tension level shot up another degree as Dean put his arm around Cas whispering 'it's okay Cas, just try on whatever she gives you and we can get this over with quickly and get out of here okay' as he handed Cas over to the assistant and headed for the waiting area chairs throwing a smirk in his direction.

'what the hell did you just say to the assistant?' Sam demanded his eyes narrowing 'what the hell are you up to?'

'Sorry did you actually want to ask a girl for her number instead of me?'

'Yeah right, the way you've been eyeballing Cas since this whole thing happened I don't think it's her number you were after, now spill it what did you ask her to do?'

'Why so suspicious Sammy, _where's the trust_?'

' _Dean_ , I'm warning you, if Cas comes out here in something ridiculous again I am going to seriously.… oh wow, er Cas you look, really… that's…' Cas was wearing a fully tailored looking dress that was both classy and sexy at the same time, it was cut to emphasise her every feminine curve and came down to her knees in a tight pencil skirt, she wore strappy high heels and was glaring at them as she rasped 'Dean, I told you, I have no need of sexy looking legs and-'

'-too late there babe-'

'-I do not believe in this kind of ludicrous footwear'.

'But these shoes are different to the ones you tried on in that other store Cas, those were stupid your right, but these are great, besides you can't wear a dress like that with just any shoes - _can she honey?'_

Dean pinned the assistant under his stare and she looked from Dean to Cas hurriedly 'These shoes are recommend for this dress Mame, and there's a purse and shawl as well' she looked over at Dean hurriedly and he gave a barely perceptible nod of his head 'these things are sold in sets and we can't sell them separately so you have to buy the whole outfit'.

Sam felt the last of his patience fly away as he barked 'Oh that's a bunch of-

-Good advice' Dean interrupted glaring at him 'Sam here's just annoyed that he didn't get to pick out something for himself this time, but I keep telling him today's about our sweet cousin Cassandra, we can get him that floaty Marylyn Monroe knock off he's been dying to buy some other time'.

Sam's expression became murderous as the assistant's mouth fell open as she stared at him as if picturing him in the famous skimpy white summer dress before she turned and hurriedly led Cas away.

'I suppose you think that was funny' Sam growled.

'Yeah I do' Dean laughed.

'Well trust me Dean _you're not going to think that for long'._

'Ooh Sammy I get all tingly when you threaten to spank me like that'.

Sam glared at Dean but said nothing, there was no dealing with Dean right now, he was literally like a kid in a damn candy store.

Sam sat and watched as the sales assistant paraded Cas past them in numerous outfits, and her and Dean kept up the lie, that Cas simply had to buy whatever purses, shoes, earrings, necklaces and god knows what else the outfit 'came with' because the sales assistant would get into trouble if she broke up a set.

Most of the outfits were reasonable enough, overly sexy yeah, and hardly the jeans and t-shirts he was going to get her until they figured out how to change her back, but they were okay he supposed if you liked a woman who was dressed to kill, unfortunately, it was too good to last with Dean in charge of things, and the dresses became less and less appropriate as a result of Dean coughing and mumbling ' _shorter'_ or ' _tighter'_ at the sales assistant while waving a little incentive at her from his wallet.

He was just about to punch Dean in his leering face, then Cas came out in a low cut completely backless evening dress, with heels that could be considered lethal weapons, _and he decided this had gone far enough,_ he had to put a stop to this before the sales assistant could take Cas away to try on the next outfit -which at this rate would have even less material than the number she was currently barely wearing- wait was Dean actually applauding?  _damn jackass_. 'Alright I think that's enough for now, can we just box up everything we've seen so far? We won't be taking the one she's wearing now though'.

'Like hell we won't' Dean snapped turning his attention to the flustered sales assistant and growling _'You box that one up first'._

The sales assistant scurried over to Cas, leading her away and Sam rounded on Dean, wait… _were Dean's pupils actually dilated?_ This was getting ridiculous. 'Dean listen to me, this is pointless okay, like I keep on telling you, Cas only ever wears one thing, we're wasting time and money here, both which could be better spent trying to figure out who did this to Cas, and now we have an entire wardrobe full of ladies clothes and shoes and purses and the kind of underwear that would make a stripper blush all thanks to you Dean. I mean what the hell are we going to do with all this stuff when we change her back?' Dean was obviously barely listening to him and he gave up trying to talk sense into him, electing instead to really _look_ at his brother as it suddenly dawned on him that besides Dean's obvious perverted joy at deciding which panties Cas got to wear, he was actually genuinely _enjoying_ all this, this was more than just him acting like a horny jerk, Dean clearly meant what he had said earlier, he really _did_ think what had happened to Cas was a good thing.

**_Just more proof that his idiot brother was crazy._ **

#  ** **************** **

'You bring the car around Sam ' Dean threw over his shoulder as they finally left the giant mall, and he cursed under his breath because not only did he currently have both hands weighed down with bags containing all the stuff he had bought at Bobby's request, but also all of Castiel's new stuff since Dean had decided that Cas shouldn't carry anything other than one or two items of the unnecessary amounts of lingerie he had insisted on buying her and he should carry the rest of it; _the jerk, like he was doing a great service when lingerie weighed next to nothing_. He was the one doing all the heavy lifting right now, while Dean carried a few bags of fancy women's underwear in one hand with his other arm plastered around Castiel's shoulders. _He felt like knocking Dean out with the shopping, kicking his ass down the stairs **and leaving him in the mall.**_

'Come on Sam Cas is tired, it's been a rough day for her.'

'I am fine Dean'.

Dean stopped and placed both his hands on Castiel's shoulders staring down into her eyes while Sam huffed and looked skyward 'Cas listen to me' Dean murmured using his -butter wouldn't melt tone- that he liked to use on susceptible females 'you've been through a lot, you need to take it easy until we figure things out, and besides you have to get used to walking in these new shoes, you don't want to try going through this insane maze of a parking lot for another 10 hours do you? Sam's the jerk that chose to park us 25 miles from the entrance so he can just go find the car and bring it here, trust me he's fine with that, it's the least he can do'.

Sam's mouth was compressed in a hard line as he tried for patience and failed, he was just about to give into the urge to dump all the shopping on the ground and start strangling Dean when his phone vibrated and he just _knew_ without even looking that it had to be a cranky text message from Bobby wanting to know why it was taking so long to get one Angel who only ever wore one outfit, a replacement suit, tie, and damn trench coat.

'Come on Sam' dean barked 'get the lead out already'.

_That did it! the sooner he got out of here, and got Cas back to Bobby's **and locked Dean in the damn panic room for good measure** THR BETTER._

Sam had barely pulled the car up when Dean had the passenger door open and started piling shopping into the front seat, 'maybe you better sit up front with me Dean and put the shopping in the back seat with Cas' Sam's hissed his voice low so only Dean could hear 'you know before you get yourself into even more hot water for thinking about nailing her in the back seat again'.

Dean grinned at him as if the situation were funny and whispered back 'you worry too much Sammy' as he finished shoving all the shopping into the car and slid in beside Cas in the back seat practically moulding himself to her side.

Cas was now wearing a knee-length black pencil skirt, a red blouse, four-inch heels, and was holding a sequined black clutch which she hadn't known what to do with until Dean insisted it was now the only way to carry her phone since her outfit no longer had pockets. To make matters worse she also had her lips painted a provocative red thanks to Dean insisting they stop off at a makeup counter on the way out. In short, Cas now looked like something out a sexually charged film noir, and she had turned even more heads leaving the mall then she had arriving barefoot in nothing but an oversized trench coat.

Dean was openly leering at Cas again as they began the drive over to Bobby's and Sam wanted nothing more than a cold beer, a hot shower, and to punch his idiot brother **_until he lost some teeth._**

Dean had wasted the entire morning with his not so subtle desire-slash-fetish to dress Cas up like a sex doll. Why didn't he get it? Cas was still _Cas_ , he/she was still an Angel of the lord, _he couldn't just treat Cas like a life-sized Barbie doll because he/she was in a different meat suit_.

Sam glanced into the rear view mirror again only to see that Dean was staring at Cas like she was made of chocolate and sighed in exasperation.

Cold beer.

_Hot shower._

**_Punch Dean._ **

**_IN THAT ORDER._**


	9. Highway To Hell

Sam glanced at his brother in the rearview mirror as he drove them all back to the motel. Castiel was curled up next to Dean, her head resting on his shoulder as she slept soundly fatigue clearly getting the best of her. _Something was clearly wrong with this picture,_ Angels weren’t supposed to sleep, and he couldn't quite place the expression on Dean's face as he turned his attention back to the road.

Sam pulled up a red light and glanced back at Dean and then it dawned on him.

Back when they were kids on the road with their dad, before "the life" began to grind Dean down and make him feel worthless, he would be sitting on their Dads old beer cooler catching up on his studies the best he could while Dad taught Dean how to fix the Impala, and if Dean did a good job Dad would reward him with a beer even though he was underage, and the two of them would sit on the hood of the impala sipping ice cold beer in the red hot sun, and Dean would have the same expression on his face as he had now.

It was a sad indictment of their lives that it had been so long since he'd seen that look on his brother’s face, _he'd almost forgotten what it looked like._

**_Dean’s expression was the one he had when he was having a moment where he was completely content._ **

Dean had clearly more than made his peace with Castiel's sudden transformation, _in fact right now he doubted Dean even wanted him to change back;_ but no matter how much Dean appreciated Castiel's new form, something as major as transforming an Angel could not happen without causing major supernatural shockwaves, and wasn’t Dean the one who always said “the other shoe is going to drop, **_because it when it comes to our lives it always does_** _”._

#  ** **************** **

Bobby's eyebrows rose, as Dean carried Cas into the house ‘Last I checked Angels don’t sleep, just how badly was his mojo affected?’

 _‘Her_ mojo’s all over the place at the moment, some of it came back a little earlier, but she didn't seem to have control over it’.

'Well did something happen to make it come back, or did it just come back on its own?'

'I don’t know, she accidently put the sales assistant to sleep, because her box was too hot, and she thought she was trying to feel her up, and then she was in some dress she hated and she got mad at us- '.

'-come again? You're not making any sense boy'.

'Look it's a long story Bobby, but I'm sure she's gonna be back to normal when she gets some rest'.

'You mean normal as in back into a meat suit you don’t wanna dress up like Greta Garbo and carry in your arms?'

'I didn’t dress her up like greata gar-, wait, _who the hell is that?_ never mind _._ I'm gonna take her to my room to rest'.

'Like hell you are! you're gonna take her to the panic room to make sure nobody gets at her while we figure this out'.

'And how am I supposed to do that Bobby? she's still an Angel, and the last time I checked the panic room was Angel proofed'.

'Boy this whole damn place is Angel proofed, notice how Cas is in the door anyhow, which just proves that it don’t seem to work on him, I don't know if he did something to mess it up where he's concerned when he went darkside on us, or we’re the edjits doing it wrong, my guess, probably a bit of both; come to mention it, he ain't the only Angel the sigils we have don’t work on, remember that buddy of Castiel's who threw you into that other world to play decoy without so much as a please or thank you-'.

'-Balthazar' Dean growled through clenched teeth.

'Yeah that charmer, well he just zapped in here, bold as brass Angel proofing be damned, using my blood of lamb, and bone of lesser Saint, and flinging you two to crazy land, all’s so he dig up a bunch of God weapons he stole and hid in the first place'.

'Yeah well Balthazar was a major dick, Cas might be upset that she ganked him, but I say he had it coming'.

'I hear ya, the bastard didn't leave cash, whisky, or even an IOU after he raided my stash, _but that’s common criminals for you_. Anyway, what I'm saying is Angel proofing is one of those things we can't always rely on; look what happened when you two knuckleheads talked Cas into ferrying you to the past so you could play back to the future with your folks. You told me that Angel Anna who was gunning for Sam, and that Uriel character who was helping her somehow wiped the Angel proofing sigils right off the walls, and disappeared the holy oil'.

'I _still don't know how they did that_ , and it’s not like either of them is still around to trap in holy fire and ask real nice'.

‘Yeah well here's what we know, banishing and holy fire only work so long as you can set it up without their knowledge and catch em by surprise, bearing that in mind I took the liberty of setting things up in case we get any uninvited winged visitors around here, and I also strengthened the demon proofing for good measure while I was at it'.

‘You think demons could be responsible?

‘Never hurts to be cautious’.

‘You really think one of them had the juice to swing this? ...you thinking Crowley? But even if he could, why would he want too, what's in it for him?

'Hell if I know boy, I ain't exactly privy to Crowley’s plans’ Bobby thought for a moment ‘aint he got some beef with Cas over that damn Leviathan mess, maybe he was trying to weaken Cas enough so he could kill him, maybe that's what this change of vessel thing is really about'.

'It’s a possibility' Sam nodded 'but... I don't know it just doesn't seem like Crowley’s style.

'Yeah, I mean we know Cas is on Crowley’s hit list but I don’t see him going for this whole Tootsie business, if he wanted to kill Cas right now he'd just turn up with an army of demons, an Angel blade, and some holy fire- then again he still might do just that, this is Crowley we're talking about so I suppose anything’s possible… We gotta find out for sure if he's behind this'.

‘And how do you propose we do that Dean? Summon Crowley into a demon trap and ask if he had anything to do with gender swapping Cas, and just hope the bastards feeling chatty?'

‘No I've summoned Crowley enough for one lifetime Bobby, and it's not like we can trust a word out of his mouth’. We want answers I say we get them the old fashioned way, capture one of his douche bag minions and work him over till he talks’.

‘Maybe we wanna call that plan B for now’, Bobby frowned ‘because you gotta think if Crowley ain't the one behind this, whatever we do might clue him into the fact that there's some big bad out there that can mess with an Angel as tough as Cas and we don't know what it is or how to stop it; and knowing Crowley, the second he finds that out, he's gonna use his minions to find who or whatever did this, probably offer them a deal, and find a way to screw us in the process'.

‘You're right, we can't run the risk of Crowley, the dick squad, or anyone else finding out Cas is vulnerable, we just gotta keep her here under wraps, and try and keep a low profile for a change, so she can get her sea legs while we figure this out'.

'Good idea Dean’ Sam's eyes narrowed ‘and I suppose dragging her all over a mall the size of the tri-state area so you can get your perverted rocks off buying her panties is your idea of keeping a low profile?'

Bobby's brows rose, 'Yeah, about that Dean-'.

Dean scowled at Sam and Bobby shrugged, '-I guess we'll just circle back to that then, bigger fish and all, but at some point, I think you and I are gonna have to have "the talk" all over again boy’.

'No thanks’ Dean visibly cringed 'once was more than enough, and FYI, the part about “giving the little lady what she wants in the end" cost me a crap load of money before I wised up, _so thanks for that bit of misinformation’_.

'Well that weren't exactly what I had in mind' Bobby scowled, ‘how exactly does "be a gentleman" translate to "buy a hooker", ya **_eidjit_**. Now since you clearly weren’t listening the first time maybe we should go through the “be a gentleman” part again, because from what Sam says you've clearly forgotten what that means with new lady-Cas'.

‘What?’ Sam snapped as Dean glared at him ‘I warned you how many times not to be an ass, _you brought this on yourself’_.

‘Remember what dad used to say about nobody liking a tattle tale Sam’.

‘What are you Twelve?! Bobby was asking what was taking so long so I-

‘-Told him some bullshit lies about how I was being a dick-’

‘-YOU WERE!’

'WAS NOT!'

‘ ** _Boys_ ’**, Bobby snapped, ‘this aint the time, ‘Now while we figure out how to get his- dang it, **_her_** , mojo back, we gotta put her somewhere and like it or not the panic room is still the best place'.

'Yeah Okay, but I'm gonna stay with her, you said it yourself, the Angel proofing around here doesn't always work, and the panic rooms been breached before’. Dean's eyes slid over Cas as he held her sleeping form effortlessly in his arms. _'I need to make sure she's okay'_.

Bobby's scrutinised Dean's expression for a moment and then shrugged, 'okay but you take a chunk of the research I'm working on, and you holler if anything happens'.


	10. Comedy of Eros?

'I see now you weren’t kidding about needing to pry Dean away from Cas’, Bobby sat in his study pondering the bizarre image of Dean carrying an Angel of the lord in his arms down to the panic room. But even more than that was the look on Dean's face when he said he had to make sure she was okay... If he didn't know better... ‘has he been like this the entire time since it happened?'

'Yeah pretty much' Sam answered without looking up from the book he was reading.

'It seem a little, I don’t know, almost _cupid level_ smitten to you?'

Sam looked up 'Yeah, hate to say it, but I'm starting to think something really weird is going on with him, I mean he was looking at her earlier when he was being an asshat and making the sales assistant play dress up with her-'

'-When he was what?'

'He bullied the poor sales girl into lying to Cas and- you know what it's not important, let’s just say that playing dress up with Cas seem to make him happier then I have seen him in a long time, I mean his pupils were actually dilated just looking at her at one point, and I've seen Dean around the only two women he's ever had a serious thing for-'

'-Two? Lisa I met, whose this other one?'

'Cassie'.

'Oh yeah, I remember you told me about her, that racist truck thing years back... Cassie right, feisty little thing, kept Dean on his toes'.

'Yeah, and believe me he was crazy about her, it was way more intense then what he had with Lisa, but even then it was never anything like this'.

'Well the only way we know to find out if Dean's been doped up with a dose of love shack is to take his heart out of his chest and examine it'.

'Guess we’re going to have to call that plan B'.

'Yeah, if Cas had his, goddamit- _her_ mojo maybe she could do it, but that’s a big if, I mean wouldn't she have to summon a cupid to be sure?'

'I think so, I don’t know, but even then don't cupids dose people in pairs? if Dean's been hit then it stands to reason that-'.

'-Wait, would that even work on an Angel? I mean can angels even be affected by cupids? And even if they could Didn’t you tell me that Cas said they're a lower class of Angel, do you really think one of them could get the jump on him like this without him at least knowing about it?'

'-Beats me; but Bobby not a word of this to Dean, not until we know for sure, after that cupid told him they were responsible for dosing, or more accurately over-dosing Mom and Dad on love roffies to get them to like each other long enough to have us, Dean got mad and punched it in the face, lucky for him they're not all about the smiting like the warrior class Angels and it just got upset and flew away'. Sam rubbed his forehead tiredly. ‘Look Bobby, I've had this feeling I can't shake all morning while trying to keep Dean on a leash'.

‘So what does your gut tell you?’

'That something major is going on here and if we don’t get ahead of it, it's gonna bite us in the ass’.

‘Yeah, I know the feeling boy'.

‘Given the amount of crazy in our lives I suppose it is possible that Dean's been dosed... But I can't help thinking it's more likely he's just being a horny jerk for someone he's known for years simply because they have breast now'.

'Listen Sam I gotta ask you something, did Dean have feelings for Cas before this incident?'

'You mean like _feelings_ feelings?'

'What are you 12 Sam? Yeah I mean **_feelings_** _feelings'._

'Not that I'm aware of, I don’t think it was like that.’

'But he did love him right? like family at least, I mean he had too Sam, when Cas went dark side he broke your melon and Dean didn’t try to kill him right off, _and_ he forgave him even after all the crap he pulled and you and I both know, that except when it comes to you Dean aint the forgiving type, so he had to have some pretty deep feelings for Cas before this ever happened’.

'... Okay this conversation is getting a little weird Bobby, are you saying you think Dean's been… I can't believe I'm even saying this, _in love with Cas this whole time?’_

‘No Sam I'm not saying that, but I've seen him mourn Cas like I've never seen him mourn anyone, beside your dad, I mean he even carried his damn coat around from car to car while you guys tried to stay off the big-mouths radar, and you told me yourself, he was a mess after Cas died'.

'Which time exactly, that guys died and come back almost as many times as we have'.

'Sam, You know your living a messed up life when you can say that with a straight face; and I'm talking about the time after that bastard Dick Roman shot me and Dean dragged Castiel's crazy ass into the hospital room and got him to heal me, before they ganked Dick, got blasted to purgatory, and Dean came back without Cas’.

'Yeah’ Sam growled his expression murderous, ‘but he, didn't come back alone’.

'We're not having the "Benny must die" conversation now Sam, and since I'm pretty sure that vampire had nothing to do with what's happened to Cas, we're gonna focus on the issue at hand which aint your beef with your brothers new vampire buddy, although for the record I'm with you on this, this whole Dean Benny BFF thing just aint right, but Dean is hell bent on vouching for that monster, insisting he's not a threat since he's off the live human sauce, so unless Benny slips up we gotta stay of it like we promised'.

_'I never promised',_ Sam's tone was lethal, I said I would leave it alone for now, 'but some day is just gonna be me and Benny without Dean around and I'm gonna do what Dean should have the moment he got topside and gank that sonuvabitch’.

Bobby shrugged and shook his head tiredly; _this thing between Sam, Dean, and Benny was going to end badly._

‘You’re right, Dean did mourn Cas, he was a mess, but you know what Dean's like, he's always blaming himself when he can't save someone, and he thought he'd left Cas for dead in purgatory. After we almost lost you, and Frank got killed helping us while you were in a coma all those months, Dean was at the end of his rope with losing allies'.

Bobby rubbed the scar on his forehead, a reminder of exactly how close Roman had come to ending him, 'but that's just it Sam, we know now that Dean didn’t leave cas in purgatory that stubborn eidjit wanted to stay, but Dean convinced himself that it was his fault to the point he actually believed Cas was Dead because of him, I guess what I'm saying is when you get down to it, Cas is a weakness of Dean's almost as much as you are’.

‘Gee thanks Bobby’.

‘You know what I mean, he would do just about anything for him just like you, look there's a chance this is just about Cas and one of his dick family did this to him, I mean her, for reasons that are nothing to do with Dean, but that don’t mean that it aint affecting him'. Anyway you look at it Sam all we got is a bunch of questions and no answers, and that aint worked out for any of us so far, we have got to find out what the hell is going on and fast’.

'No argument, so where do we start?’

 

 

Dean laid Cas down on the panic room cot thankful that it had clean sheets, as he arranged her hair so it didn’t get stuck and pulled up a chair to sit beside her. He was going to start reading the dusty set of books Bobby insisted he bring down in just a second… he just wanted to make sure that Cas was okay first...

Cas opened her eyes and Dean's gaze was locked on her as he said, ‘the sigils didn’t seem to be having any affect on you, and obviously we can't risk using the banishing ones in case they banish you, so we figured the Panic room was the safest place for you to be while we try and figure things out’.

'I don’t remember being bought here'.

'What?'

'Dean, please stop staring at the stupid bright colour you made that woman smear all over my mouth and answer my question; how long have I been here?'

'Oh yeah, er, just a few hours, you crashed on the way over here so...'

'I never collided with… oh you mean I fell asleep. That is not a good sign Dean'.

'Or maybe it is, maybe you just needed to recharge your batteries, how's your mojo now anyway'.

'It's impossible to tell in this room everything about it makes things… difficult for me'.

'I'm sorry about that Cas, but I had to bring you down here to protect you, I don’t want anything happening', Dean leaned forward and his whole manner was serious, 'do you know how many times I've lost you already’ Dean's voice was low, ‘I keep thinking if it happens again, it will be the last, I will never get to see you again, I mean you don’t even have an afterlife do you, what happens to you if you die, you just disappear right'.

'Well technically my grace returns to'.

'But you Cas, your memories, our… connection, everything that makes you, **_you_** , that makes us… family, all of that disappears right, only the energy inside you goes on'.

'Well technically, in some cases, in others… I seem to be an exception to many things… I don’t really know what happens to “me” Dean, but, I'm a soldier, no matter how much I tried to escape that for a while, it's who I am, and any true soldier is always prepared to die’.

Dean suddenly seized her shoulders and hauled her up so their faces were inches apart, ‘there's no after life for you is there Cas, if you die again, and whoever doesn't resurrect you again, that’s it right, there's no way I can hop dimensions and go hunt your ass down again is there?’

‘I do not think it works that way'.

Dean leaned closer so their lips were almost touching, _'That’s why you can't…_ you have to be careful alright, **promise me’.**

‘Dean I-’

‘ ** _Promise’_** Dean hissed gripping her shoulders tighter as their eyes locked, ‘we don’t know what's going on, or why, promise me you won't go all avenging Angel and take any risks until we know what the hell’s going on’.

‘Dean I must investigate, I must-’

‘-Cas... _please’._

‘I promise’

Dean leaned closer his eyes focusing on her soft parted lips

 

 

‘Dean! is Cas awake yet, you're supposed to keep us in the loop- hey' Sam hammered on the panic room 'how come I can't unlock the door? Dean, you wanna tell me what the hell you think you’re playing at?' Sam bellowed pounding harder on the door, 'you had better not be doing anything stupid in there, or so help me I will kick your-’

Dean flung open the door and scowled, ‘-you know what your problem is Sammy, _you have no goddamn manners’._

Sam's mouth fell open in outrage as Dean strode past him and up the stairs, then he turned his attention to Cas who was sitting on the bed looking slightly shell shocked.

**_What the hell had Dean done now?_ **


	11. The Trails and Tribulations of Dean Winchester

Cas suddenly appeared behind Dean while he was running water over his face, with her new shorter frame he didn't see her standing behind him in the mirror, _but it didn't matter,_ _because he could feel her, he could smell her intoxicating scent._

‘I don't understand why my new clothes have no pockets Dean'.

‘Er I think it's something to do with the lines Cas.'

‘What lines? I don't understand?'

Dean grinned ‘Well there's no room for pockets on that frankly awesome outfit we got you', the classic hour glass cut clung to her every feminine curve stopping just above the knee, it was as sexy as all get out and he couldn't help congratulating himself on his awesome choice. Cas was bare foot, and after picking up a hair brush from the makeup bag they purchased earlier was absently trying to figure out the best way to brush her hair after laying down made a mess of it, _a perfectly gorgeous, sex rumpled, mess, that made him want to bury his face in it._

‘look you don't need pockets, just carry the purse'.

‘But I want a coat Dean, _I need a coat'._ Cas looked at her reflection in the mirror and sighed, ‘this new hair is completely beyond reason, I will remove it immediately-’

‘-Not one strand Cas' Dean suddenly barked ' **not one,** _do you hear me?'_

‘But Dean-'

‘-um I mean, your old hair was fine for a dude, but this hair goes with this vessel Cas trust me'. Dean took the hair brush and moved behind her, ‘it's just hair, it can't be that hard to deal with’. He tried running the brush through her long curly hair, and it bounced in a way that went straight to his groin, ‘see nothing to it’ he almost groaned as he slowly ran the brush through her long hair again 'you try it' he murmured looking at their reflections in the mirror, glad that he didn’t look as shaky as he suddenly felt… _and yes maybe he was holding his breath as Cas took the brush from him and mimicked his actions, but he could hardly be blamed for that, because **hot damn the way that hair bounced!**_

‘Look just don't do anything drastic like getting a buzz cut, is all I'm saying.'.

‘Cas studied her reflection in the mirror for a moment ‘I cannot picture what that would look like with this new face'.

‘Well let's not find out okay, this hair, it’s so beautiful’ he murmured snatching his hand away when he realised he was playing with the long silky tresses. ‘um, I mean it's fine the way it is Cas'.

Cas resumed trying to brush her hair, experimenting with what worked best and he found himself more than content to just watch the way the blue black curls gleamed and bounced, _even when his hands curled into fists with the restraint of not touching._

‘I could find a new coat Dean, something in the same style that would fit this vessel’.

‘Hell no Cas, we've been over this and- hey! What are you doing?’ Dean's voice held a note of dismay as Cas began to wash her face, okay so it wasn't like Cas really needed all the smoky eye shadow and blush the girl at the makeup counter had put on her while Sammy huffed his disapproval, probably just jealous because he wasn’t the one that got to sit in the makeup chair and feel pretty, ha!... but at least she still had the red lipstick on, because it was so damn sexy- **Oh no not the lips! Dean thought in dismay,** she was just as hot without all the war paint sure, but to see the red lip-gloss go, **that was just tragic.**

Cas turned around and glared at him in a way he tried (and failed epically) not to find sexy.

‘What exactly is wrong with my mouth the way it is Dean?'

‘Nothing', he mumbled awkwardly, suddenly thinking that Castiel's mouth hadn't really changed, it was more his perception of it that had changed because now that mouth belonged to new hot-chick Cas and he was hopelessly drawn to it, but on closer inspection the overall strange and for want of a better word cute almost cat like shape was the same, the pink softness was the same, the way he occasionally just found himself looking at it was the same… not that he'd been gay for it or anything like that, no, if he'd occasionally looked at Castiel mouth in the past well, that was just because he had a pretty weird mouth for a dude, that was all, and of course he couldn't stop looking at it now, _that mouth was all kinds of sexy on a girl!_

‘Dean why are you singing loudly in your head?'

‘What? Zepps Ramble on is a classic Cas'. He cranked up the volume in his head as she stared at him, her striking blue eyes narrowing in that way they did when Cas was poking around in his head’.

#####  _ Mine's a tale that can't be told, my freedom I hold dear_

#####  _ How years ago in days of old, when magic filled the air_

#####  _ T'was in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair..._

#####  _ ....Cas... so damn beautiful... _

#####  _ ...god those smoking hot red lips..._

‘Dean, why does the colour of my mouth make a difference? '

Well that didn't work, clearly Cas could still poke around in his head and even the awesome power of Zeppelin couldn't stop her Dean sighed ‘It urm... goes with your outfit okay'.

‘Well the sales assistant did stress the importance of confidence, classiness, and coordination, for the woman that wants to be noticed for the right reasons, she called it the three c's that no woman should be without’.

_The three what?!_ ‘Er, I'm sure she's right Cas, I mean she would know, she dresses chicks- er women to look their best for a living after all, she's paid to know her stuff, so you know er you should keep it, it looks good on you'.

‘Dean painting your face is ridiculous, the only use it can possibly have is the intimidation of, or camouflage from, enemies when descending into battle, because that at least is strategic'.

_…so damn beautiful,_ Dean thought.

‘I don't even know how to use this' Cas held up a deep red lipstick and scrutinised it. At the face painting girls insistence I had my eyes closed the entire time she put different things on my face at your behest’.

‘Hey I didn’t behest her, it's her job she was just trying to help you look the part’.

‘The part of what exactly?’

‘…Come on Cas it looks good on you’.

‘But how do I make the coloured stick of wax, pigment, perfume, and synthetic materials rise? It appears to be stuck in this tube’.

Dean took the lipstick from her and twisted the tube the way he had seen women doing over the years, and he almost didn’t believe it when he heard the words ‘here let me’ come out of his mouth. Cas just looked blank, which he decided to take as a yes, and the second he touched the lipstick to her lips he knew he was in trouble... _damn, is my hand actually shaking?_ he thought as he sucked in his breath and traced the shape of her upper lip slowly; by the time he got to her lower lip he was breathing harder and possibly sweating, _it was just a bit of sexy lip colour_ , he thought, _how the hell could applying it for her be damn near giving him a heart attack?_ ‘There you go Cas' he murmured trying to make his voice sound normal even though his heart was hammering in his chest, ‘see there's nothing to it, you just trace the shape of your lips'.

‘But this stick with a tiny sponge on the end is shaped differently, am I supposed to use this in the same way?'

‘Urm, I think that’s the gloss, I'm pretty sure it goes on the same way… I'm not really an expert, Sam is though, you should probably ask him'.

‘Okay Dean'.

_Ha!_ Dean thought, trying to keep a straight face, _Cas going to Sam for makeup tips would serve him right for being such a pain in the ass all day._

Castiel stared at the lipstick and gloss in her hand and Dean retrieved her little black satin purse from where she had tossed it, ‘see this is why you need a purse Cas, it's for your keys, wallet, phone, lipstick, and Archangel blade, you know, the essentials'.

‘I don't have any keys Dean'.

‘Well'.

‘Or a wallet'.

‘So lipstick, phone, and Archangel blade then'.

‘I materialise my blade from-'

‘-Yeah well now you can materialise it from your purse… frankly I think that would look kind of awesome, I mean where exactly are you planning to smuggle an Archangel blade in that outfit?'

Cas looked down well I thought an overcoat-'

‘Over my frequently dead body Cas, _no frigging trench coats'_.

‘Yes you said that, but I said _overcoat_ , which is technically what I had before and-'

‘-Damit Cas, People wear coats because they get cold, you're an Angel, the cold doesn’t affect you, just because Jimmy happened to be wearing a coat when you jumped him, doesn’t mean- Deans voice trailed off as an image of Cas looking small and forlorn back at the that vintage store flashed through his mind. Beehive had thrown the coat away because she thought it looked like it belonged to a hobo, and Cas had said, “but that was my coat, my vessels coat”, _Cas had sounded so despondent...was this really about...._ ‘Cas, look at me, Is this really about Jimmy Novak? are you still worried about what happened to his soul after that dick Raphael smited you and you were resurrected without it?’

Cas closed her eyes and an expression of pure sorrow that affected Dean way more than he wanted to admit washed over her face.

‘He was a good man Dean’.

_Cas sounded… broken_ and he suddenly wanted to do anything and everything he could to fix things for her.

‘I promised him, _I promised him_ , that when he died his soul would go to heaven, vessels are special Dean, he's supposed to walk in the fields of the lord, but I still don’t know where he is, I've been back to heaven since then but no one has seen him… I don’t want to face it but it's possible, his soul was… lost, and I've failed him, like I have failed so many others including you’.

‘What happened to Jimmy wasn’t your fault Cas, and you don’t know for a fact that he's lost, Heaven’s a big place, he could be anywhere up there’. _Not knowing what had happened to Jimmy was clearly still a painful subject for Cas even after all this time._ But _what could he do to help take her mind off it?_ 'Look we're gonna figure it Cas, I promise, I’ll even help you find Jimmy-the-mooks soul if it makes you feel better, but right now I need you to focus on you, I need you to concentrate on getting your strength back okay'.

Cas looked away and Dean tilted her chin up to look at him, trying to ignore the way his skin tingled when he touched her.

‘Cas I know you feel bad about… a lot of things but I know you, I know you’ve always tried to do the right thing, and in the end that’s all any of us can really do. Hell, half the time you were flying blind and getting dicked around just like us, but you did the best you could, I know that, Sam and Bobby know that, and wherever Jimmy is he knows it too. Now promise me you're gonna quit worrying about things we can't fix right now and start worrying about yourself, I need you to get your mojo together so you me Sam and Bobby can kick the vessel altering ass of whoever did this to you Capisce? 

‘Yes I Capisce Dean’.

‘Good’, Dean waggled the purse, ‘now you take this and-’

'I am **not** carrying that ridiculous tiny bag Dean, I don't care how many lip colouring devices you can cram into it'.

Cas went from despondent to narrow-eyed glaring just like that, and Dean's body temperature instantly shot up a few thousand degrees because _Damn she was hot when she was mad at him._ 'Come on Cas' Dean murmured placing his hands on her small shoulders and trying to ignore how good her long silky hair felt as it brushed against his hands. ‘Come on Cas chicks love purses, just try it and-'

‘-Guys you want to get in here and help me sometime today? Bobby bellowed from down stairs’

‘I am not a _chick_ Dean’.

_So beautiful_ Dean thought, while trying and failing to focus on exactly what she was saying to him.

'- _Dean,_ I think Cas can figure out how to powder her nose on her own’, Bobby yelled.

‘Whatever you say Cas’ Dean murmured failing to keep his traitorous hands at bay as they slid to her waist of their own accord and pulled her closer to him.

'-Dean!' Bobby yelled louder 'would you just leave her alone and do some damn work already!'

_Despite the now significant difference in their heights, she fitted into his arms perfectly,_ Dean thought, _it was almost as if this new vessel had been tailor made for him, **as if she was meant to be held by him** _.

‘Dean Bobby Singer is talking to you’.

_What?..._ he thought, trying desperately to focus on something other than how damn good it felt to hold her.

'I said Bobby is calling you' Cas murmured.

_He was?_ 'Oh um yeah, thanks Cas, -BE RIGHT DOWN BOBBY!' he shouted, kicking the bathroom door shut and sitting on the edge of the bathtub staring at Castiel's mouth, ‘you got a little smudge there Cas, I messed up a bit when I was applying, here let me' Dean pulled Castiel closer so she was standing in between his spread legs and ran his thumb slowly backwards and forwards at the side of her full lips removing a smudge of lipstick… _and if maybe his own mouth was suddenly watering and he possibly licked his own lips then he could hardly be blamed for that because damn she had beautiful, sexy, kissable-_

_'- I SAID GET DOWN HERE BOY!_ Bobby hollered.

‘Dean Bobby Singer is calling you'.

‘Mmm'. God, _that mouth._

Castiel stared into Dean's eyes and frowned ‘you were the one who said these flavoured lip colourings were not for consumption, yet you were thinking about tasting the lip-gloss I was wearing earlier, and you are thinking about tasting this new lip colouring, why is it okay for you to taste it but not me?'

Cas licked her lower lip slowly, and Dean felt his entire body go into overdrive.

‘This lip-stick you just put on my lips is also flavoured, It is an artificial strawberry based compound that- Dean?... Oh I see, you were thinking about, _kissing_ earlier… that's what you were about to do when Sam began banging on the door, but instead of kissing my mouth you kissed me here', Cas touched the side of her neck and Dean's eyes narrowed focusing on her elegant fingers with their blood red painted nails as they were slowly trailing down the graceful line of her neck, ‘I was very surprised when you did that, but I see now you wanted to-'

'-Yeah’ Dean practically growled 'I couldn't stop myself Cas’.

‘Um… Do you still want to...'

Dean pulled Cas down to sit on his knee and locked eyes with her ‘can't you tell? I thought you could read my mind without even trying now'.

‘Your thoughts are… it's difficult to explain it's like their covered in a kind of red haze right now, I don't understand it’.

'-Boy, you had better not make me come up there!-'Bobby shouted from the foot of the stairs.

'Red haze' Dean breathed darkly his eyes focusing on her mouth ‘sounds about right'.

‘Dean I think we should go downstairs, I believe Bobby is-'

‘-I want to taste you Cas'.

‘- **Alright boy that _officially_ tears it!-** -’ Bobby's footsteps thudded up the stairs.

'Cas I want-'

'Well don't this beat all' Bobby sneered sarcastically, as the bathroom door flew open, ‘I don't remember finding Cas in your lap too many times when she was a damn he'.

Castiel turned to look at Bobby and Bobby's gaze focused on Dean as he snapped ‘boy what the hell is wrong with you? you're acting goofier than a pet raccoon'.

Dean suddenly found his lap bereft of gorgeous Angel as Cas wriggled her way off him mumbling something about going downstairs, _forget that,_ Dean thought, _they were in the middle of something awesome here, he was just about too-_

‘-What the hell!’ Bobby barked, snapping Dean out of his thoughts, ‘uh, well glad your um healthy and all boy’ Bobby mumbled suddenly turning his back and clearing his throat awkwardly ‘but how's about you settle down and direct that blood back into your damn brain’.

_Wait- when did Bobby get here?_ _and what the hell did he want? **couldn’t he see he was interrupting?**_ ‘Bobby jeez, can we like have a minute here?

Bobby’s mouth fell open in disbelief, 'No you can't have a damn minute yer edjit! He roared ‘now you get your love roofied ass downstairs, _and I mean now_ , and help me and your brother get through this mountain of lore **before I get really mad** '.

Cas pulled Dean to his feet and her touch shot through him like lighting as he suddenly found himself staring down into her amazing blue eyes. _She was so close,_ he thought, _so beautiful staring up at him like this, still touching him, **driving him crazy** , he had to get closer, he had to taste-_

'-I SAID MOVE BOY!'

_Oh yeah Right, Bobby,_ he thought, _Damnit! ...but cas was still touching him, making his arm tingle, **making his cock ache and throb** wait- had he actually been painfully hard this whole time without even realising it?!_  
... _So that just happened_ Dean thought quickly turning his back and running his hand down his face. _and Bobby had noticed, **AWKWARD**_

He quickly readjusted himself to make his state less noticeable, realising that there was apparently nothing he could do to make it go away with her so damn near while he followed close behind her as they went downstairs. His arm was still tingling where she had been touching him, and all he could think as her scent washed over him was the way she affected him was crazy, and the whole situation was spinning out of control.

He was just congratulating himself for not inhaling her drugging scent or anything creepy like that as they entered Bobby's study when he suddenly realised that A: he actually was inhaling her scent and probably had been the entire time- _epic fail,_ and B: he **_should_** care about how crazy she was making him, because this was still Cas his nerdy best friend who was sort of technically a dude, ** _but he didn’t care at all._**


	12. Paging Dr Freud

 

 

Sam's eyes raked over Dean's body and Sam shook his head as Dean scowled at him. **_Trust frigging Sam to get it immediately_ ** Dean thought annoyed not caring at all for Sam's sanctimonious look of disapproval.

'Nice of you to finally join us Dean', Sam sneered 'and all it took was Bobby racing upstairs and turning a hose on you'.

'Get bent Sam he didn't turn a hose on me, I was coming downstairs anyway, you two are just impatient jerks that's all'.

'You watch your tone boy’, Bobby snapped ‘now sit in that chair and start reading’.

‘What did you learn from what you read earlier?’ Sam asked.

Dean looked blank for a second, ‘oh yeah that… research I was doing, -no come over here and sit next to me Cas-

'-Like hell' Bobby snapped 'you need to focus, Cas please stay there if you wouldn't mind, this eidjit is distracted enough as it is'.

Cas looked from Bobby to Dean and wondered into the kitchen.

'Dean’ Sam snapped his fingers, ‘over here, focus, what did you find out?'

‘Yeah, urm, about that… it didn’t pan out, no new leads so…’ Dean's voice trailed off as his gaze went back to Cas.

'-I knew it!' Sam exclaimed, 'you didn’t read a damn thing, I bet you just sat there staring at her like a creep the whole time'.

'Shut up Sam'.

'Man this is pathetic, Sam huffed, 'and who knows what you tried to pull when she woke up'.

'I didn’t try to pull-'

'Well It didn't look like that to me when I came to get you out of the panic room’.

‘What? You didn’t see me doing anything wrong Sam _and you know it_ -’.

'-And me finding Cas on your lap just now, that was you not doing anything?'

'That was just-'

'-Oh come on Dean just admit it' Sam yelled, 'Bobby just said he practically found Cas in your lap and-'

'-I didn’t say _practically'_ Bobby growled, 'when I say I found Cas on his lap I mean that **literally'**.

Sam's eyes narrowed dangerously as he stared at his brother, 'Dean what the hell! Listen Cas is my friend too, and if you think for one minute I'm just going to sit back and let you try to take advantage-'

'-There is no need for anger Sam', Cas rasped from the kitchen, 'Dean had just finished painting my mouth and he said he had made a mistake, so he was just cleaning the smear away from my lips when Bobby came in'.

Bobby began to rise from his chair his expression murderous as Sam's big hands clenched into fists.

'Whoa no, **_NO!'_** , Dean shouted, leaping to his feet, 'I was showing her how to put on lipstick, and I messed up a bit, I was wiping **_lipstick_** away from her lips, that's what she means, _Cas tell them_ , I was just showing you how to use make up, **_that's all!_**.

'But that _is_ what I just told them Dean', Cas rasped perplexed.

' _Trust me Cas it really wasn't'._ Dean hissed.

‘Cas?’ Bobby and Sam asked in unison.

‘Castiel looked as confused as ever staring at Dean until her face flushed, ‘…oh I see. Sam, Bobby, while I understand that Dean is generally preoccupied with having his penis-’

‘-Cas!’ Dean shouted desperately.

‘Well suffice it to say there was no such interaction, Dean was as he says attempting to teach me how to paint my lips with the different artificially sweetened pigments he purchased today’.

'Oh really is that all you were doing', Bobby sneered sarcastically, slowly sitting back down, his expression like thunder. 'So playing dress up with her wasn't enough, now you’re putting lipstick on her too, well that’s not creepy at all son’, Bobby adjusted his trucker cap shooting Dean a warning glare ‘I don’t know what's got into you, but Cas aint your personal life size Barbie doll, and while you're under my roof you better start thinking of me as an overprotective father whose handy with a shotgun _understand?'_

Dean didn't respond because Bobby was making it sound weird when it wasn't, _he was helping,_ that was all.

‘You hearing me Dean? I said I got my eye on you boy’. Bobby looked from Sam to Dean and smoothed his hand over his face, 'Um Dean you ever think this whole situation is a little... '

'What?'

‘ _Strange'._

'Of course it is Bobby somebody turned Cas into a women'.

'That’s not what I mean, I'm asking if you think your reaction to her is a little… _intense_ maybe?'.

‘I dunno Bobby' Dean murmured absently, his eyes riveted on Cas as she wondered around Bobby's kitchen picking up this and that for some reason.

'I mean you seem very… _enthralled_ with her, you haven't taken your eyes off her since you came in here, then there's the whole dressing her up and painting lipstick on her thing, I mean this is still Cas were talking about here and nearest I can figure he's still exactly the same person under all that new padding, which begs the question why are you acting like some love struck fool who thinks he's just met the girl of his dreams?'

'Hmmm? Um… Yeah Sure Bobby' Dean mumbled absently.

 _‘Edjits not even listening'._ Bobby growled to Sam who still had his hands clenched into fists.

‘Cas?’ Dean mumbled watching her intently.

Bobby's eyes narrowed to mere slits as he scrutinised Dean, 'how are you feeling boy, you feel like yourself?'

‘Hmmm?'

 **‘Dean** I'm asking you if there's something going on with you.'

‘Huh? something’s wrong with who?'

**_'You aint listening boy!'_ **

‘Cas what are you doing?'

‘I am attempting to make you a sandwich like a good woman, as you requested Dean'.

‘ **What**!' all three men shouted in unison.

‘You were just thinking that if I bought you food I would be the ideal woman, and while I have no intention of attempting to become the ideal woman, the sales assistant did tell me that a woman's work was never done', Cas sighed, 'I now begin to see what she means'.

Bobby and Sam turned and glared at Dean who shot to his feet defensively ‘Cas I didn't tell you to go make me a sandwich just because you're a woman now, _I would never do that'._

‘You did not tell me too Dean, you **_wanted_** me too, I do not mind, I bought you and your brother sandwiches before when we fought the leviathan, I wasn't particularly mentally stable then but I got the basic components right and using Bobby's pre-packaged ham is a lot easier than comforting and slaughtering the pig myself'.

Sam gave Dean the kind of narrowed eye glare he reserved for when he was really, _REALLY_ , mad at him and Dean hurried into the kitchen ‘Cas that was different, _please stop that'._

Cas locked eyes with him, Mayo covered knife paused in mid air… ‘you are hungry, you want to eat, but you want me to stop making you this sandwich or Sam will be angered, your primary desire however is for me to cut the crust off this sandwich the way your mother used too, it is not difficult to do this, and I do not mind since that is what you truly wish'.

‘Cas please' Dean groaned faintly as she began to neatly cut the crusts off the sandwich, _just like his mother used to_.

‘Oh you have **_issues_** Dean' Sam hissed.

‘And you don't?' Dean snapped rounding on Sam, who was leaning against the kitchen door frame his face full of judgemental sneary disgust, ‘you know what why don't you stay out of this, it's between me and Cas, and if I want to eat a damn sandwich then I will and- Cas are you alright?!'

'Someone is calling me but I can't hear them' Cas rasped faintly.

'What do you mean Cas?'

'Dean! someone is calling me, _someone is looking for me'_.

'Who?'

'I don't know! Cas murmured in distress ‘I can't hear them'.

'Then how do you know someone's calling you?'

'I can feel it… Dean I can…'

Cas dropped the knife and swayed and Dean quickly pulled her into his arms, 'easy there Cas whatever this is whatever's going on we're gonna figure it out okay, look this whole thing… I can't imagine what you’re going through, but if you can feel someone looking for you maybe it's just more proof that your mojo’s coming back and that has to be a good thing right?'

'Maybe you are right Dean'.

Cas looked up at him as he stared down into her eyes and in that instant he felt he would try to put out the sun with his bare hands if it would make her feel better. 'Look just go rest in the chair okay, Sam Bobby and I are going to go at this thing from every angle. I promise we're gonna find some answers and beat the crap out of whoever messed with your mojo, trust me okay, _we're on this_ ’.

'Of course I trust you Dean'.

'Good now you think you can go over there and rest for me'.

'But your sandwich-'.

'-Don't worry about that now I need you to rest okay, we don't know enough about what's happened, and we need you at full strength just in case the hunt goes south, -Sam! Bobby! _Get the lead out already_ , you’ve been working on this thing all day and you still got nothing, we can't just sit around here waiting for the enemy to get the drop on Cas, what the hell's the matter with you two?'

‘ _Oh he did not just take that tone with me_ , Bobby snarled folding his arms across his chest his expression downright hostile ' ** _has that boy lost his mind, has he just forgotten that he ain't done a damn thing to help so far while we've been busting our asses trying to figure this thing out’._**

'Oh you don't know the half of it Bobby'. Sam sighed in exasperation 'welcome to the twilight zone staring Dean as the big protector of helpless Angel of the lord Cas'.

Bobby’s face set in a deep scowl as Dean shrugged and snatched up the sandwich plate leading Cas to the chair, where he fussed over her as if she couldn't manage to sit on her own.

‘Just get some rest and let us handle this Cas, you promise?'

'Okay'.

Cas arranged herself on the sofa and Dean sat next to her, removing his over shirt and draping it over her legs.

'Thank you Dean but that is not necessary’.

‘It's kind of cold in here'.

'No it aint' Bobby snapped’.

Dean leaned closer to Cas whispering ‘and they're kind of distracting'.

'Oh for the love of- you might want to consider less leching and more reading boy', Bobby huffed.

Dean sat locked eyed with Cas for no apparent reason and Bobby and Sam cleared their throats loudly. Dean winked at Cas, grabbed a book and half the controversial sandwich, settling in even closer beside Cas as Bobby and Sam sighed and shook their heads.

'Hey Cas this isn't half bad, in fact it's one hell of a sandwich', Dean grinned around a mouthful 'hey what are you-'

'-You want me to fetch you a beer’ Cas rasped as Dean's eyes riveted to her curvy backside as she sauntered into the kitchen, I am not currently doing anything as you have advised rest while I am recovering from the strange incident that incapacitated me in the kitchen while I made your sandwich, but I am unaccustomed to remaining idle Dean, so I will provided you with your favourite beverage, and then I will help with the research, it is about finding a solution to what has happened to me and it is only right that I assist'.

'Cas, listen to me', Sam hissed between clenched teeth 'if you go **_fetch_** Dean a beer _I am going to shoot him in the leg'._

‘Sam! _Why would you say such a thing!_ ’ Castiel stared at Sam in horror.

‘Trust me it's better than he deserves, _Dean get your own frigging beer'_ Sam seethed _'what the hell did your last slave die of?'._

 ** _'Torture’_**. Dean snapped darkly starting to get really pissed off with Sam's attitude, ‘and quit being a bitch, I didn't tell her to get me a beer or make me a damn sandwich, you're just mad you didn’t get any, because Cas likes me better’.

‘This has nothing to do with who Cas likes better Dean’ Sam shouted ‘this is about you treating our friend like your personal love doll and thinking I'm gonna stand for it!’

‘I'm not treating her like-’

'-You think this is I dream of Jeannie or something boy?' Bobby snapped.

'No' Dean barked defensively, his expression suddenly going from furrow browed anger to wistful and dreamy his eyes sliding shut as he mumbled ‘Jeannie was hot though, mmm mmm'.

'Dean I do not believe that outfit is the current fashion, the sales assistant said loose trousers were unflattering and-'

'-Dean _did you just imagine Cas as Jeannie?'_ Sam snapped incredulously.

'What?- **_No'_** Dean lied his eyes flying open.

‘-and while my grace could technically be stored within the decorative Arabian glass bottle you are envisioning, I assure you my physical form cannot be condensed to fit inside so small an object, and why exactly would I emerge from that object at night and appear before you without clothing?’

 ** _'Oh my god!'_** Dean moaned. burying his face in his hands

‘…I do not see any reason why I would call you master Dean, if this is your sexual fantasy I do not understand it’.

'Goddamit Cas _will you stay out of my Damn head!'_

'Alright that's it! Bobby barked what the hell is going on with you two? why can she read your mind like it's nothing all of a sudden didn't he, I mean _she_ have to squint and get all up in your face to do it before?'

'Oh yeah that’s er one of the great side effects of this whole Cas is a woman thing’ Dean gripped sarcastically.

‘What are you saying?’ Bobby looked perplexed.

‘I'm saying Cas can read me without even trying, my head is an open book to her, _one_ _that she just won't stop reading out loud from **no matter how much I beg her to stop!**_ I think I'm the only one the super-easy mind read works with though, hey Cas you still having trouble poking around in other people's heads?'.

'Wait, you can't read me or Bobby anymore?' Sam asked genuinely curious.

Cas stared a hole in Sam's head and then Bobby's 'you are irritated with Dean you believe he is behaving like well um, _an ass-_ '

‘-Gee thanks Bobby’.

‘What do you want boy, _you are behaving like an ass’._

‘Sam you fear the ramifications should his behaviour continue and other Angel’s still loyal to me hear of or witness it, you remember that Hester believed Dean was responsible for corrupting-’

‘-We get the picture Cas’ Dean interrupted ‘so you're mind snooping mojo is working again?’

‘It would seem so but it takes effort and concentration especially with your brother, the demon blood that still resides in him can make it difficult to-’

‘-Yes, thank you Cas’ Sam interrupted.

‘You are welcome Sam’.

Sam took a deep breath and sighed, and Dean grinned at him from behind Cas who had come to stand in front of him as if guarding him from Bobby and Sam's anger. Cas turned to look at him and he found himself staring down into those amazing eyes of hers.

‘It is easier with you, she murmured ‘it requires neither effort or concentration for me to read you Dean’.

God the way she said his name now, in that husky, Smokey, raspy way, as if she were moaning for him, moaning in his ear _while he made her com-_ -

‘Dean?’

‘Urm nothing’ **_focus_** , … she was driving him crazy, she smelled so damn good and he knew for a fact it wasn’t perfume, no artificial sprayed on junk could be doing this to him, it was all her… _she was driving him nuts._

‘How am I driving-’

‘-Cas I swear if you say one more thing I'm thinking out loud, I'm going to brain myself just to make you stop; and you can just damn well fix me when you get your full mojo back’.

‘It is curious Dean, there should be no discernible scent emanating from my vessel, however, you believe I emit a desirable scent, perhaps this vessel is emitting pheromones that I am unaware of… Sam have you noticed a particularly desirable scent-’

‘-Not having this conversation Cas. _Sam do not even open your mouth._ Cas **_focus!_** The mind reading thing, you're saying you don’t have to try at all with me, it just happens whether either of us likes it or not’.

‘Yes’.

‘Has it ever been that way before?’

‘No’.

‘Do you have any idea why this is happening now, I mean you have been in another vessel before, sure she was a little kid, Jimmy's kid actually which is kinda creepy, and I'm not sure how this whole thing works but did you notice anything like this happening when you possessed Claire?’

‘No’.

‘Okay, lots of information there Cas thanks’. He was being sarcastic but he was smiling because he couldn't help himself, _She just made him want to smile._

‘Is there _anything_ you can think of that might help us Cas?’ Sam asked.

‘I'm sorry Sam, I have no answers, and I am struggling to become accustomed to all that has happed to me’.

_‘Sam you jerk you're upsetting her!’_

‘I am not!’

‘Are too _jerk face_ , Cas is sensitive-’

‘-Since when?!’

‘Since now you damn insensitive sasquatch’ Dean growled.

‘Oh **_I'm_** the one whose being insensitive! you’ve taken the phrase "male chauvinist pig" to a whole new level today, it's a wonder you haven’t taken her shoes and chained her to the damn kitchen sink already!’

What in the hell was Sam talking about?... oh right that whole chained to the kitchen sink barefoot and pregnant thing, that feminists and hippies went nuts over in his dads day.  
...barefoot, pregnant, **_should that really be turning him on so hard?!_ ** he wondered in alarm as a rough spike of electrical heat shot straight to his groin and he had to suppress the urge to groan out loud. It didn’t help that Cas was suddenly staring at his crotch, and he knew where this was going by her confused look and parted lips ready to question as she locked eyes with him. 'No questions Cas, I mean it _not one'_ he hissed low under his breath extraditing himself from the situation **fast** , before she could say anything. _Stupid Sam, saying stupid stuff and turning on some caveman instinct in him he didn’t even know he had!_

‘I'm getting a beer, _and Sam I'm not even talking to you’_.

‘You're not talking to me! Sam erupted incredulously ‘you're the one who-’

-That's enough’, Bobby snapped, ‘Dean go get your damn beer and grab one for all of us while you're at it'.

'You wanna beer too Cas?' Dean grinned.

'I do not require human sustenance Dean'.

'Whatever Cas, I'm just saying if 30 or 40 of these bad boys can beat the buzz kill out of Sammy who knows what they can do for you, just try it you might like it'.

'Trying to get her drunk now Dean?'

'Right, get an Angel who can and has drunk an entire liquor store drunk on one cheep domestic beer, I don’t think so Sam'.

'You don’t know what effect alcohol with have on this new vessel and-'

‘-Whose the chauvinistic pig now Sammy?, you're saying that since Cas is a chick now she can't hold her liquor any more?

‘I am not! Ellen could and did drink most men under the table, but Angel's aren't designed to eat and drink and Cas has been through a radical transformation and none of us know how, so you can't just go pouring beer down her throat, it's about metaphysics not gender you idiot! we don’t know enough about-’

‘- _Yawn_ , **nerd alert** , not listening, can't hear you over the fizz while I'm opening my delicious ice cold beer, Cas you wanna sip it's good’.

‘Then shut up and drink it’ Bobby snapped. ‘Sam get back to reading or are you gonna spend all day arguing with you eidjit brother-’

‘-Hey!

‘-Pipe down boy; now I'm gonna do some damn work, and I’d like some quiet to do it in if that’s okay with you two chuckleheads’, Bobby barked glaring at the two brothers until they retreated to their respective corners practically snarling at each other. What the hell was it coming too when he had to give two grown men a time out? Bobby took a deep breath and sighed _sometimes there was just no dealing with Sam and Dean_. ‘Cas you wanna help?’

‘Yes of course Bobby, as I said before I am unaccustomed to remaining idle’.

‘Good then you can start reading these’. Bobby handed Cas a small pile of neatly stacked books and Dean leapt out of his chair to take them from her.

‘Here let me Cas you shouldn’t have to carry those’.

‘She shouldn’t have to carry what four small books three steps away to the chair, she's not an invalid, _you're being ridiculous Dean’_ Sam snapped.

‘I'm a gentlemen Sam’, Dean growled ushering Cas back into the chair.

‘Yeah right’ Sam snapped watching Dean arranging it so he and Cas were nestled up like lovers with Cas leaning back against his chest as he handed her a single book adding the rest of her pile to his’.

‘I guess banging monsters makes you forget how to treat a lady huh Sammy?’

Sam leapt to his feet anger suffusing his face ‘and whose the last one to bang a monster around here Dean you or me?’ he growled

'Sam! Dean!' Bobby barked slamming his book down on the desk he was sitting behind 'what the hell is it with you two today?'

'Nothing Bobby’ Sam mumbled sitting down and glaring at Dean who grinned at him as he took a long swig of beer. ‘you know what beer just isn't enough to deal with you right now Sammy, I need- oh no' Dean's eyes slid shut ‘ _dammit_ ’ I must have left it back at the motel, you were flitting around with your panties in the full bunch, wrestling Cas into Jimmy's coat and practically throwing her out the door, and when I was trying to save her from your militant chaperoning I must have put it down, and forgotten to pick it back up’.

‘I don’t know what you're talking about Dean, but you could have left a limb behind and not noticed the way you're eyes were glued to Castiel’s chest. So whadya leave behind? I'm guessing your dignity, brains, and sense of self preservation'.

‘No _asshat_ my flask, _damit_ , anyone could have checked in and had their grabby hands all over it by now, Dean closed his eyes and sighed in despair, ‘and it had Bobby's super good stash in it too’.

‘It had what now?!' Bobby barked outraged.

‘ ** _Whoa_** ’, Dean yelled as Cas disappeared into thin air.

Bobby looked at the spot Cas had just vanished from 'well I guess his, _dang it_ , her mojo’s back, at least some of it anyway'.

'She promised me she wouldn't zap anywhere' Dean growled under his breath.

‘Maybe now you'll stop treating Cas like a helpless damsel in distress, _it makes you look like an idiot’._

‘I'm not treating her like damsel in a dress Sam’.

‘It's _distress_ you idiot not _a dress_ ’.

‘Really?- CAS GET BACK HERE' Dean bellowed, frowning and reaching for his phone when nothing happened and dialling Castiel's number, 'nah I'm pretty sure it's a dress’

‘Oh my god! No it isn't you moron’.

‘Whatever, no one likes a smart ass Sammy and I'm pretty sure I'm right- hello? whoa Cas slow down, you're what? No! stay put I'm gonna come get you right now’ Dean threw on his over shirt; ‘… _there's every need_ we can't just wait around to see if it comes back on its own, now lock the door’ Dean threw on his jacket and grabbed the keys to the impala, ‘there should be some salt in the little kitchenette thing, do you have your Angel blade?… you really did put it in the purse, good, is there anything to draw a devils trap with?... No don't start tapping a vein Cas! Just let me think a second- wait if you have the purse then you have the lipstick I put in it right?

'Really Dean?'

'Shut up Sam. Cas use the lipstick to draw a devils trap, get inside it, and wait for me okay, and make sure to salt the doors and windows first okay... don't argue Cas do it now, draw the trap and get in it and stay put okay, conserve your energy, I mean it Cas, don't even think about zapping out unless something turns up that can get though salt and devils traps, yeah like Angel's, well if it comes to the worst you got your blade right?... _What do you mean you can’t get it, you just told me you had it,… not materialising? is that even a thing?! ... All right_ , don’t panic, do you know a Sigel that will work, I mean you used one on Zachariah that time… specific to him… you have to know all that about them beforehand to get it to work?! damn… NO Cas _don't_ , it will banish you too… **_I said no!_** I don’t care if they pile into that motel room like clowns out of a Volkswagen… never mind; _**no Angel sigils that can damage you as well Cas**_ , the last time you tried that _you almost died_ … promise you won't do that no matter what, I promise I won't let anything happen to you Cas, but you gotta listen to me and not do anything drastic, I'm begging you to trust me here, stay on the line okay I'm on my way over to you now... Cas you still there? **Cas?**  
Dean called back immediately, ‘Damn it she's not picking up! Bobby I need you to stay here, and keep working on whoever did this to her’ Dean growled as Sam and Bobby exchanged glances.

Sam knew that tone, Dean was starting to get **seriously** _pissed_ , ‘What's going on, is Cas okay?’

‘I hope so she zapped herself to the motel but it took more out of her then she meant and now she can't get back, dammit she's still not answering’.

‘Maybe her phones outta juice, did she say she was in immediate danger?’

‘Who gives a fuck, I'm going to get her right now’.

‘We have to know what we’re up against son’.

‘Cas said she was alone and she doesn't think anyone will be looking for her there, but I'm not sticking around to find out, listen, I got this I'm gonna drive back there and get her, Sam, Bobby, I need you here hitting the books’.

‘Dean you can't go alone! I’ll back you up like always, Bobby can hit the books until we get back’.

‘I got this Dean’ Bobby nodded and touched Dean's shoulder reassuringly 'go with Sam, get her back before something happens’. Bobby headed back to the house.

‘Sam, listen to me', Dean's tone was serious ‘we need to put figuring out who did this to Cas on a back burner and concentrate on finding a way to get her full mojo back, it's not coming back on its own fast enough for her to protect herself, I'd let her tap my soul to get her juice back, but you and I both know Cas will never go for that without it at least being apocalypse part two, and it's not like we can make her do it- Sam I got an idea, I need you to stay here and help Bobby to cast a protection spell, one powerful enough to keep the dick squad off her radar, or at least protect her as much as possible if they find her anyway.'

‘You sure you don’t want me to come with you Dean, Bobby can probably handle the spell on his own’. Dean shook his head, no Ellen gave me the recipe back in the day, I know Bobby has the ingredients but she was pretty clear that it took two people to Cast the spell right because its got some serious blow back that weakens you while the spell is in place… it could be dangerous for Bobby to do it alone, but you can help balance it out, lessen the effects’.

Sam understood now why Dean didn’t want to risk Bobby doing a spell that drained you alone, spells like that always needed a counter balance. ‘alright Dean, you get there as fast as you can, Bobby and I will work the spell until you get back, be careful okay, we don’t know what we're up against’.

Dean roared the engine to life 'I'm counting on you Sam, do everything you can to keep her safe until I get there'. Sam nodded and exited the car hurrying back to the house as he gunned the impala out of the salvage yard. The protection spell took a lot out of the casters, and according to Ellen worked best when woman cast it over their children. He could only hope that Sam and Bobby's new found over protective attitude towards Cas held some magical merit because it could be her only shot if she was attacked while her mojo was still drained.

 _'Cas just hold on, **just be okay** '_ he growled flooring the accelerator his heart in his throat as he raced back towards the motel. ** _  
_**


	13. Keep Calm and... Screw It Hit The Panic Button!

‘Cas, **Cas**!’ Dean bellowed, drawing his gun and kicking down the motel door, he found Cas laying in the middle of devils trap, with a salt ring around it, she wasn't moving, _there was blood_ , and his heart just **stopped** in his chest even as he forced himself to rely on his training scanning for enemies as he made his way over to her, checking the salt lines were intact and taking care not to break them, ... damnit! _these protections would have no effect if an Angel attacked!_ **had an Angel-** 'Cas' Dean yelled, turning her over and pulling her into his arms, ‘Cas!’ he bellowed frantically shaking her, 'come on', he begged pushing her thick hair off her face and neck so he could see if she was breathing while desperately checking for a pulse- **nothing, _she wasn't breathing!_** Or was it different because she was an Angel? Angel’s didn't have to breathe did they?… _did they?_ ‘CAS, please, don't do this to me, please’, Dean pulled her closer, ‘don't, come on, please, **_please-’_**

‘-Dean?’

He held her at arm's length taking in her quizzical expression, before pulling her into his arms and holding her tight ‘Cas fuck Cas, you scared the hell out of me’, he groaned, ‘I was going out of my damn mind, _don't disappear like that again_ , you know I can't stand all this popping in and zapping out, what the hell happened? There was blood, I thought… Cas I thought…’

‘I am fine Dean, the blood was for Angel proofing, it is a week Sigel but if triggered at the right time it is effective, and it may have given me my only chance in case of attack by my own kind… um Dean… you're crushing me’ Cas husked.

‘I’m sorry’ Dean whispered loosening his grip on her a little, but only a little.

‘… That was a joke Dean, I may not have all of my powers but I am beyond being crushed to death by a humans overenthusiastic embrace’.

Dean's eyes slid shut, then he let out the breath the felt he had been holding since he walked into the room, when he opened his eyes again Cas was studying him.

‘I am sorry Dean, I was attempting to use humour to alleviate your fears it seems I have failed you are as troubled now as you were before’.

‘Damn right I'm troubled’ Dean hissed pulling her so close their foreheads were touching ‘Cas, I mean it, _do not_ do that to me again, no more zapping okay, not until you get your mojo back, not until we know what the hell is going on, you _promised_ me, now you say it again, _and this time you **mean** it’._

‘I did mean it Dean, I had no intention of flying here, it just happened, you wanted to retrieve your flask and the next thing I knew I was here in this room’.

‘Whoever did this to you could have been looking for you here, you could be have been killed’ Dean hissed low, ‘Cas, maybe Sam's right, maybe this is wrong and I'm going back to hell for it but-’ Dean fisted a hand in the back of Castiel's long blue black hair and pulled her forward, touching his lips to hers as the spark between them arced and sizzled.

‘Cas please’, he groaned desperately feeling as if he was hanging onto his sanity by a thread ‘for me, **_please_** just… don't use your powers until we know it's safe okay’.

‘Dean it's… difficult to do things as a human, it is slow and restrictive I cannot-’

Dean cut her off with a kiss, _he was finally kissing her_ , finally tasting her, and it was better than anything he could have imagined, and he'd imagined plenty, but even his wildest fantasies didn’t do justice to how soft her lips were, how intoxicating she tasted, how just the slightest touch from her was driving him crazy, and suddenly _he wanted her_ , he wanted to push her down right here in the salt circle and devils trap and…

##  _The very **touch** of you corrupts_

Hester’s image flashed in front of his eyes and he made himself stop, because her voice was deafening in his head, her image seared into his vision, the accusing rage in her eyes, the broken desperation in her voice.

##  _When Castiel laid a hand on you in hell he was **LOST!** And for that you will **Pay.** _

Cas was… _vulnerable_ , he had to think with his upstairs brain for once because Cas was more than a friend to him, he- _she_ was family. _Goddamit_ , his stupid brother was right, he couldn't do this, he couldn’t take advantage of her when she was like this, he _was supposed to be protecting her_. He cursed under his breath as he pulled back, because he suddenly understood what his annoying pain in the ass little brother was trying to say, Sam knew if the positions were reversed Cas would never try to use him just because his outward appearance had changed, and he had no right to call himself a friend yet alone family if he couldn’t do the same. Right now he had to focus on helping her get her strength back, keeping her safe was the most important thing, he couldn't let this – _yes he admitted it, **crazy strong to the point of drugs** -_ effect she had on him get in the way of him doing what was best for her.

 _Alright upstairs brain, **little help here**_ he silently begged, quickly pulling Cas to her feet and stepping back, keeping her at arm’s length before his fragile grip on his self control snapped altogether. Cas actually looked a little… dazed and he wondered if she was still feeling week… or was it him? had he put that look on her face… _he wanted it to be because of him,_ because that kiss meant something, because it had affected her as much as it had affected him. No! he couldn't think like that, Cas was off limits he had to accept that. He took a deep breath and stepped away from her, so her scent was not completely enveloping him and driving him to go on, to take what he wanted, _and to hell with right and wrong,_ _to hell with not taking advantage_ …

A subtle change in the breeze in the room washed her scent over him again, and he took another step back as it she seeped into his skin making him burn with low deep hunger. _He could make her feel good,_ he'd had a lot of practice, _he could give her pleasure,_ he knew he could … No it wouldn’t be right… but maybe if he… just **_gave_** and didn’t _take_ … that wouldn’t be so bad would it? he could bring her pleasure without taking advantage, _she would taste so good_ as he slid his tongue down her body so he could taste in-between her soft thighs, getting her good and wet and warm for him so he could-

‘Dean?’

‘No, nothing, not thinking about anything. **_Not a word Cas_**. Now come on we gotta get out of here’. **_quickly._** _He couldn't take much more of being alone with her like this._ He ran his hand down his face then turned his back adjusting himself, he supposed it was too much to ask for that she hadn't noticed he was rock hard for her _again_.

‘You seemed to prefer I didn't mention it’.

Dean gritted his teeth in frustration, _She was driving him crazy_. The only small mercy to this near constant schoolboy like embarrassment around her was that thankfully at least this time Sam and Bobby weren’t around to witness it and make a big deal out of it, those two were treating him like he was a deranged sex manic- ‘oh damn!’ he groaned under his breath as Cas inadvertently brushed up against him because he was suddenly holding her too close to him, _when the hell did that happen?_ Didn’t he just back away?

Well there was nothing he could do about it now, besides he wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just attempting to shadow her body from threats while leading her to the car that was all, but another subtle move of her body against his as he tried to make it to the damn motel door had raw pleasure spiking through his body, and if he thought his erection was giving him problems before… goddamit! _could he even drive like this?_

‘I will attempt to drive if you are… incapacitated Dean’.

‘I'm not inca- … _I'm fine!’ he snapped ‘let’s just get to the damn car’._

‘And now you are angry’.

‘I'm not Angry’ he hissed between clenched teeth. _Seething with frustration was not the same thing as being angry_ , ‘quit reading me and focus Cas, we’re not safe here, we have to get back so we can fix you’.

‘What? _How?_ Did you discover who has done this to me during our separation? Why did you not tell me this immediately-’

‘-We still don’t know squat about who gender-swapped you, I meant I got Bobby and Sam cooking up something to get your mojo back, I figured it was more important to get you back up to fighting strength because even if we figure out who did this to you, and even make them change you back , who’s to say them reversing it would leave you in any better shape than you are now, you should at least be at full strength before any attempt to put you back in your old body…’

‘Dean you are thinking about this new body licentiously _again’._

‘No I'm not’ he lied, pressing his hand into the small of her back to guide her to the door, ‘now let’s move’ Dean gritted his teeth snatching his hand back, as his entire arm started tingling, smothering a groan as large ringlets of her soft bouncy hair brushed over his palm and he was enveloped in her scent again as he leaned over her involuntarily while reaching forward and opening the door, then quickly slamming it shut as the last of his control snapped and he pressed up behind her, he couldn’t take this, _couldn’t take it,_ he just needed a little, _he wouldn’t let it go too far,_ **if he could just taste her a little**.

His arms were caging her in before he knew it, and she slowly turned around, her soft body pressing up against his hard body as she twisted against him and it was the worse thing she could of done because now his whole body was on fire, and his head was lowering of it's own accord as she was looking up at him with those mesmerising eyes of hers, and he was her slave in that moment, _he would do anything for her._

‘Cas I…’ He couldn't stop himself, _couldn't stop_ ‘Cas, I need- **ah**! _mrphh_ _aww’_ the sudden strong vibrations of his stupid phone so close to his erection damn near bought him to his knees involuntarily, and Cas stared at him perplexed as he tried to fish it out of his pocket hampered by his erection constricting his pants and the hard rhythmic bursts of vibration almost setting him off to climax against his will, and it was either get the damn thing out of his pants, or be forced to writhe around on the floor franticly humping the damn carpet like some kind of deranged house pet! _there was no way he was doing that in front of Cas!_ he finally got a good grip on the phone when the caller rang off, and yanked it out his pocket furious and humiliated enough to fling it out of the motel window as it almost immediately started vibrating again.

 _'Sam'_ he growled as he checked the caller ID **typical** _of course it was him calling_ , ‘what do want asshat!’

‘Who the hell are you calling an asshat jerk face!’

Dean looked down and smiled, _hey who knew Sammy being a major buzz kill wasn’t all downside?_ Just listening to his hysterical girly nonsense about not calling, and nerd speech about magical ingredients like an overgrown Harry Potter wannabe was solving his problem quite nicely, his pants fit again, and now he could drive without a problem’.

‘…You know what screw you Dean, I think your aggravating me on purpose’.

‘Don’t flatter yourself, just finish the damn spell already’.

‘It’ll be ready by the time you get Cas back here’.

‘It better be asshat’.

‘You wanna try that again?’

‘Oh, er, hi Bobby', _frigging Sam passing the phone to Bobby without telling him!_ I was just saying to Sam that I got complete faith in you guys’.

‘Yeah I’ll bet, now you listen and listen good boy, you get her back here safe, and I better not hear anything about you behaving like less than a perfect gentlemen or I am going to take your bad ass hunter carcass to the wood shed are we clear?’.

‘Clear’.

‘Good, now move yer ass’.

 ** _Click_**.

‘Cas, _let's roll’._

‘But something strange just happened with you Dean and-’

‘-Never mind that’ he snapped, quickly ushering her out of the door with his gun drawn, keeping her close while frantically trying to ignore the effect her body pressing up against his side as they hurried to the impala was having on him. ‘we gotta hit the road and see about getting you your magical ass kicking powers back’.

‘It's not really correct to say that my powers are magical Dean, my grace is celestial cosmic-’

‘Oh my god, have you been taking nerd lessons from Sammy?’

‘I do not understand’.

‘Put your seat belt on’, he ordered as he hit the ignition and gunned out of the motel parking lot.

‘… Oh I see’ Cas husked while struggling valiantly to get the seat belt over her chest.

 ** _Damn_ _she was stacked_** _,_ he'd offer to help but that probably wouldn't end too well, ‘um you might wanna just put it between your breast’ he bit back a groan and tried to focus, ‘just um chicks with big, I mean it's just something I've seen ladies with larger chests do’, _who said hanging out with strippers wasn’t educational?_

‘You were deriding your brothers academic wisdom again with your earlier comment’.

‘ _Yes Cas_ , I'm saying Sammy's a nerd _because he is a nerd_ , and come to think of it you’re not much better, you're just in much better packaging these days, am I right, huh’ Cas stared at him blankly as he grinned at her, then his grin faded away as he tried and failed to tear his eyes away from her quite frankly _unfairly_ perfect body.

‘Dean perhaps you should give some attention to the road’ Cas husked as they were nearly flattened by a speeding 18 wheeler, which he probably really should have noticed before all the horn blaring and name calling, but he could hardly be blamed he was only human after all and Cas well she had some _major_ ….

‘What's are WMD's?’

‘Oh god’ Dean groaned resting his forehead on his hands on the steering wheel where he had been forced to pull over or collide with the mouthy truck dealer who he probably should have shot but didn’t.

‘Will you please stop blaspheming and tell me what WMD's are and why you think I have them'.

_Dear **god** this could not be happening to him right now!_

‘Dean!’

‘Sorry, and WMD’s are Weapons of Mass Destruction okay, now can we just drop it Cas’.

‘Oh... well I suppose with my full power I can accurately be regarded as… Dean how can the soft mammary glands attached to this vessel for the sole purpose of nourishing infant offspring possibly be considered-’

‘-You're just not going to let this go are you, fine, WMD’s can also mean means Weapons of Mass _Distraction_ in the case of hot chicks- er I mean attractive _stacked_ women’.

Cas was glaring at him _again_ and his entire body temperature was rising _again_ because seriously how damn hot was it when she looked at him like that!

‘You still wish to fornicate with this vessel?’

_~~~~The Very **Touch** Of You Corrupts_

He restarted the impala and swung the car back into the traffic lane. ‘No Cas, no I don’t, it's just a typical guy reaction to a hot pair of- too an attractive woman, it's nothing special’.

Cas was frowning at him and he hit the cassette player trying his best to shut her out of his head as he sang along loudly to the blaring familiar sound of zeppelin's travelling riverside blues.


	14. Dean fought the lore and… well you know the rest (but in case you don't - the lore won)

‘Oh here Dean, you should not forget this again, I know it means much to you’.

Cas pressed something cold and metallic into his palm as they headed back to the house, ‘forget the damn flask Cas’ Dean hissed, it's just an old one of Bobby's that I was hanging on to when I thought he wasn't going to make it, but he's fine, you fixed him and now I need you to worry about you, you could have been killed coming back here, I get it, I was not taking this seriously enough this morning, I was having too much fun, I admit that, but for god’s sake don't tell Sam I said that, _or they’ll be no living with the smug jerk’._

#  ** **************** **

‘Boys I think I found something’. Bobby looked up from his seat behind his desk to find he was being completely ignored by Sam and Dean who had been bickering for the last twenty minutes with Dean insisting that Sam was misinterpreting some ancient text because Sam was using a codex and he was using Google.

‘You're an idiot Dean, Wikipedia, seriously? _that's where you found the link to translate this?’_

‘Hey you use Wikipedia!'

‘Yeah but I back it up with reputable-'

‘Listen _nerdlinger_ , we don't have time for the poindexter version, we just need the cliff notes and-'

‘-Hey chuckleheads I think I found something that-’

‘The devil is in the details’.

‘You don't think it's kind of ironic when _you_ say that’.

‘You know what Dean, _screw you,_ that's not funny’.

‘Oh come on Sammy it's kind of funny’.

‘Urn Dean I think Bobby wants-’

-‘just a minute Cas,- look Sam I'm just saying-’

‘ _Go to hell Dean,_ I don't want to hear it’.

‘And the inappropriate jokes just keep on coming, way to be insensitive Sammy!’

‘DEAN! _I swear if you don’t stop-’._

‘-Unclench Sammy, your thong only has so much material _I don't think it can take the strain’._

‘Right, _that's it_ , Dean I have had it up to-’

‘WILL YOU TWO EIDJIT’S SHUT THE HELL UP AND **_LISTEN!_** I think I found something that can help Cas’.

‘Well why didn't you say so, I mean me and Sam have been busting our hump over here and-’

 _‘Do not_ make me point a gun at you boy, now shut up and listen’.

Dean smiled and winked at Cas who looked at him confused.

‘Oh I see Dean, you are joking with Bobby Singer’.

‘Aint gonna stop me shooting him in the damn leg if he don't quit horsing around Cas’.

Cas looked alarmed and Dean smiled because hey her not wanting Bobby to even joke about shooting him was making him feel good

‘He is only as you say half joking Dean, it appears you have exceeded the limit of his patience today’, Cas husked, ‘do not worry if he attempts to draw his firearm I will shield you and zap you away from here’.

‘Hey I thought we agreed no zapping’ Dean barked.

‘What the hell are you two talking about?’

‘I was just telling Dean that if you attempt to shoot him I am going to save him by removing him from this house’.

‘Oh lord’, Bobby sighed, ‘I aint really gonna shoot the eidjit Cas’.

‘I believe if you are honest with yourself you will agree you are currently undecided’.

‘Ladies gotta point’ Bobby shrugged draining his glass of whiskey as Dean stared at him open mouthed and Sam burst out laughing

‘Anyway it's seems there's this hoity-toity establishment, that's doing some rich privileged jerk shindig where there gonna be auctioning some stuff and the codex we need to translate the text you to edjits have been cussing and hollering over is actually there’.

‘But the codex I'm using-’.

‘-I hate to break it too you Sam, but we're dealing with some pretty heavy lore here, and it seems fakes were made to prevent the real codex from getting into the wrong hands, and that thing you have their is one of the decoys with the translation code copied down wrong’.

‘You see Sammy modern Google wins over dusty old books yet again'.

'It's a scroll' Sam snarled, 'and just because it might be an ancient fake scroll doesn't automatically mean that your translation is right'.

'You're just mad because I told you that Google had the whole thing all along but your supernerd powers went into hyperdrive over that dusty old scroll, which it turns out is a fake and you wouldn't listen, _way to get duped Sammy'_

‘Well you can pipe down boy because I looked at the website you're using and it's mostly chicken scratch and gibberish _and that's just the good stuff’._

‘Wha-’.

‘-Told you, _asshat _you can't use Google to decipher ancient text ’.__

‘Shut up Sam’.

 _‘No you shut up_ at least I've been trying Dean! All you've done is eyeball Cas while half assing it’.

‘For the love of god will you too knock it off, _what the hell is it with you both today anyway_?’

‘Nothing’.

‘Nothing, he's being a jerk’

Bobby looked from one Winchester to the other then sighed, ‘now listen it says here that this thing is tonight so we have to hustle’.

‘Okay so what's the play?’

‘Best I can figure you and Cas should go-’

‘ _No_ ’.

‘Dean’.

‘No, no way Bobby, she's not up to it’.

‘I am perfectly capable Dean’.

‘After what happened earlier?’

‘But you kissed me before I could explain’.

‘YOU WHAT?!' Bobby and Sam chorused.

‘I thought she… I thought she was Dead’.

‘So you kissed her’ Bobby's tone dripped sarcasm as his eyes narrowed ‘you know just to make good 'n sure’.

 _‘No!_ I was just so relieved when she wasn’t that…’

‘Dean I was trying to tell you that, I was attempting to interact with my grace, I suppose I appeared dead to you and you became… emotional’.

‘Damn right I did’, Dean hissed.

Dean and Cas locked gazes and Bobby and Sam shook their heads.

‘Dean you want to explain this whole kissing Cas thing?’

‘Not really Bobby’.

‘Dean, you can't just-’

‘-Yeah I know Sam-

‘-Cas is still an Angel and- wait _what did you say?!’_

‘I said I know, you're right okay, let’s not make a big deal out of it’.

‘So your finally seeing sense’.

‘I said let’s not make a big deal of it’.

‘I've been telling you all frigging day Dean and-’

‘-You _want_ me to punch you in the face, is that it?’

‘Like you could’.

‘ _Oh I could_ ’.

‘Sam, Dean, **Enough!’** Cas barked making both Winchesters heads whip round to face her, as Bobby sat back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest looking impressed.

‘We have something to do and not much time to do it, I want this situation reversed immediately’.

Dean shifted uncomfortably and Sam's eyes narrowed… _he's actually having second thoughts, he wants Cas to get her power back but he's not racing for her to change vessels_

‘I cannot remain helpless and in the dark like this… it's…’

‘Cas’ Dean murmured moving closer to her, ‘I swear I will do whatever it takes to help you get your mojo back, whatever it takes okay’.

‘Okay Dean’.

‘Right, well now that that's settled’ Bobby snorted ‘can we get back to the plan. We're all going but me and Sam are going to do the stealing you and Cas are going to create a diversion, lucky for us there's a favour I can call in to get us tickets to this rich jerks only soiree' .

‘Ohh Bobby’, Dean smirked, ‘I didn't know you had high society friends, have you been keeping that to yourself because you're ashamed of us blue collar boys, is that why you've never introduced us?’

‘Eidjit, high society people get attacked by ghosts and monsters same as anyone else, it's just when they owe you a favour for saving their hide it can really come in handy’.

Dean smiled and moved closer to Cas as Bobby laid out the plan.


	15. King of the Monkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a deleted scene at the end of the chapter, it is the original beginning of the chapter that was taken out for pacing issues. I've never written a slow burn type fic before, and even I'm getting frustrated at this point! but I promise you the fic more than earns its Explicit rating, and if the wait doesn't drive us all flaming nuts it should be awesome!  
> 
> 
> Explanations about delays are in the notes section of chapter 1, thanks for your patience and support, it's really appreciated!!  
> 
> 
> ** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **

Dean was tempted to order a double whisky and ask the waiter to leave the damn bottle because just what the hell kind of fancy society party was this anyway? _Who the hell had invited the dumb jocks?_

'Well a date with one of them there boys is part of the charity auction, yep, nothing rich old gals love so much as a hot young buck to coo over'.

Dean turned to see a tall stereotypical white stetson wearing Texan, he hadn't realised he'd said what he was thinking out loud, _but damit…_

‘That your lady them bucks is prowling round like bears after honey?" The man waggled his bushy white eyebrows, 'That why you got a face on you that could sizzle a cow hide at 30 paces boy! hawar hawrr', the rich Texan clapped him on the back, ‘now don't you worry none son, your wife's as crazy about you as you are about her, anyone can see that, you two newlyweds or something?'

'Um, well-

'-Yeah I could tell that straight off, the cute little adorin looks she gives you when you’re not looking, the way you look like you wanna eat her up, shucks, you kids remind me of me and my first wife, and my second… not so much the third though, that was more of a business thing, but the forth mmm hhmmm now _that_ was passion!'

 _What the hell was he, the Texan answer to Henry the eighth?!_ 'Um, she here with you tonight?' he tried small talk, the better to keep up appearances, and wished the Texan would stop squeezing his shoulder in camaraderie before he wore the thing down to the nub, _the man had a grip like Sam when you tried to pry a book away from him._

'Ah well passion alone isn't everything boy, but I ain't frettin none, fact I'm on the look out for Mrs fifth tonight, maybe at the ladies auction, they're all swimwear models you know, so here's hopin!'

_Swimwear models…_

'Even bought me a blank cheque in preparation, never hurts to have an edge boy!'

 _So this was the rich jerks version of a strip club… **or a brothel**_. Dean's eyes narrowed dangerously as a large blonde jock brushed a lock of hair of Cas's bare shoulder and almost lost an eye as it bulged partway out of the socket when he craned his stupid neck to peer down her cleavage… _right, that was **it!**_

‘Your thighs are ringing pretty lady' one of the jocks all but husked in Cas's ear as Dean's eyes narrowed to mere slits of rage and then widened in disbelief as she slid her dress up to the legal limit, displaying both her spectacular thighs and her ringing phone, which was in some kind of thigh strap garter thing! _WHERE IN THE **HELL** DID SHE GET THAT?!…_ who would she even ask… **Sam** , that _sunuva **bitch**_. it just had to be! Oh he was so _DECKED_ , _right in the **goddamned** **face**!_ Damit he couldn't breathe! and he was definitely rethinking the coat, she could have a coat, _she could have a damn sheet if she liked,_ just so long as she never, **_EVER,_** did that in public where anyone could see ever again, _well_ _anyone other than him-_

-‘Hello Dean'

‘Cas' he hissed between clenched teeth as she answered the phone.

‘Yes Dean?'

 _‘What the hell do you think you're doing?!_ get away from those guys right now!'

‘But we need to create a diversion at the right time and-

‘-I don't care! move, **now,** _and for god's sake DO NOT put that damn phone back where you took it from_ , just hold it in your hand and come over here'.

Castiel's big arresting blue eyes kept darting to him, as she made her excuses which consisted of, ‘I er, have to go over there now. Goodbye'.

 _Well at least she was leaving._ ‘No need to rush off pretty lady', one of the jerk jocks put his hand on her bare shoulder and Dean found he had a tight feeling in his chest and he was across the room about to punch the jerk in his smug face, break his arm, _**and snap every one of his grabby groping fingers**_ , when Sam suddenly appeared beside him holding his fist before it connected.

‘Sorry about that, my brothers a little protective of our sister, so-

‘-Sister?!' one of the jocks boomed, looking bleary-eyed and worse for wear, ‘ya'll ‘don't look nothing alike' he slurred clearly having none of it.

‘Well that's what happens when your father runs off with a beautiful gypsy er.. maid, gypsy maid', Dean improvised as Sam's head whipped round to stare at him incredulously.

‘You serious!' blonde jerk exclaimed his eyes riveted on Cas, ‘you're about the prettiest thing in here to begin with darlin, and now I find out you're an exotic love child, mmm mmm, _this just gets better"._

‘Yeah well it's about to take a turn for the worse pal', Dean growled as Sam put extra pressure on his restraining grip without it looking as if he were doing anything. _frigging super freak powered sasquatch preventing him from doing the right thing and defending Cas's honour._

Dean was about to stamp on Sam's toe, because as the saying went the bigger they are the harder they- _crumple like a little bitch when you stomp their pinkie toe-; w_ hen Cas put her hand to her forehead.

'I do not feel well, it's a um female thing, may I sit down please?'

The jocks practically fell over themselves getting her a chair, blonde jerk even pressed a glass of water into her hand, all fake sympathy Dean thought caustically as blonde jerk murmured 'that better little lady, my mama's around here somewhere you need me to have her get you some aspirin?'

Cas locked eyes with blonde jerk, and Dean ground his teeth together, he knew Cas was probably poking around his head, but blonde jerk who was currently on one knee clasping her hand looked like he wanted to propose.

'Um, no thank you, I am sure I will be fine'.

Sam yanked him back hard as the sneaky bastard pressed his card into her hand, 'you be sure and give me a call when you're feeling up to company okay darlin' he winked. ‘Alright team lets hustle to the stage'.

The jerks bundled off like a bunch of trained apes after their leader and Dean gritted his teeth 'Sam if you don't let go I'm going to be punching you in his place'.

Sam took a step back 'you teach her that female thing excuse, because way to be a sexist jerk Dean, I doubt Cas even understands what that means'.

Dean looked up at Sam pulling him to one side. ‘you wanna talk about teaching Cas things!' he hissed furiously, 'fine, I'm only gonna ask you this once Sam, _and you had better give me a good answer;_ did you get Cas that thigh strap thing she damn near started a riot with?'

‘Huh? Oh the phone holder thing, well she said you wouldn't let her get a coat so I-

 **'-That's not a good answer Sam!** No, you see, a _good_ answer would have been, no Dean I didn't have anything to do with it because it would be _frigging retarded_ to give a woman with thighs that could start a new religion a goddamned thigh holder to show off in full view of a bunch of greasy jacked up-

-Hey, I didn't _give_ it to her, I didn't even know she had it, I just said that she could look for alternatives to pockets-

-You know what, _I don't care what you said **asshat**_ , you don't give Cas anymore clothes advice you hear me!'

‘What! Cas is my friend too and if you weren't being such a damn pervert she would have had a damn coat'.

'-Yeah nice try, this is your fault not mine, I got her a perfectly good purse and-

'-Oh my god _are you listening to yourself!_ **she's not a frigging Barbie doll Dean**! if she doesn't want a purse you can't just attach one to her arms- you know what, _I'm not having this conversation,_ and I'm telling you again, _you have **issues** Dean, _ so do yourself a favour and get some frigging help before Cas punches you in the face, and for the record when she does, _I'm frigging next'._

‘Yeah right, you're lucky I don't wipe the floor with your seven-foot yeti ass right now for giving guys yet another excuse to eyeball my woma- er, Angel'.

Sam managed to sneer and smile at the same time, his face all dimples and mocking, and he scowled because he realised he couldn't have sounded more like a jealous boyfriend if he tried. ‘I'm just saying they have no frigging respect is all' he amended, ‘just because she _looks_ like a hot chick doesn't mean they can-

‘ **Wow**! _hypocritical much?'_

‘Shut up Sa- wait a minute what the hell are you even doing here in a monkey suit anyway? I mean aren't you supposed to be skulking around with Bobby, instead of interfering and looking like you should be on stage with those apes over there'.

‘Oh quit throwing a man-trum because some Neanderthals are sniffing after Cas, oh I'm sorry- _your woman_ '.

Dean sighed. ‘You know Sam, if I excel at one thing in life it's disposing of bodies where no one can ever find them, so you and those asshats drooling over Cas _better just keep pushing me'_.

Sam's eyebrows rose and he burst out laughing, Dean was just about to kick him in the shin- _or the face_ when Sam sobered up enough to stop laughing, although his face was set in a mocking grin that made him want to loosen some of Sam's teeth because there was _nothing_ remotely funny about what was going on here. ‘I have a loaded gun Sam, I'm just saying'.

‘Oh wow', Sam sputtered, 'whoo, well anyway it turns out we didn't need to steal the codex, Bobby was able to get enough time to take photographs, his friend really came through for us'.

‘Some favour huh, but if you save a guy's life it's the least he can do'.

‘He didn't save his life, that's the funny thing'.

‘What did he do for him then?'

‘He introduced him to his wife'.

‘He what?' Dean asked incredulously as they made their way to the table Cas was sitting at.

‘His super hot, _loaded_ wife, this mac-mansion we're in, this is her house not his'.

‘Oh well, he should have just given Bobby the damn thing then, I mean where's the gratitude'.

‘I know right'.

‘Hey Cas'.

‘Yes Dean'.

‘Give me that assholes number'.

Cas handed over the piece of card and Dean dumped it in the salad bowl as he sat down opposite her when that bastard Sam elected to sit his seven-foot ass next to his Angel effectively relegating him to the sidelines.

‘Dean, come on people have to eat from that'.

‘Screw em Sam', Dean grumbled ‘these jerks are stinking rich, they can afford more salad'.

‘Dean', Cas rasped ‘I have no intention of retrieving that man's number, there is no need to pour alcohol into the salad bowl and set it ablaze as you are thinking'.

‘Seriously Dean' Sam interjected exasperated, ‘whiskey and setting salad on fire is your answer to a guy giving Cas his number'.

‘Yes' Dean hissed, then his brows dipped, ‘wait who said anything about wasting good hunters helper, I was gonna use this fermented yak piss they're trying to pass off as drink'.

‘That "fermented yak piss" is actually a seventeenth-century wine that sells for 600 dollars a bottle Dean, _and would you spit that out already!'_

‘Why? Booze is booze Sammy, it might taste like ass but if I drink enough it will get me smashed eventually, and who knows after a couple more bottles it might even start to taste good'. Dean grimaced as he took another swig, ‘or not'.

‘Dean put that down, that's not your glass, you only get that little sip in the glass they gave you, it's called a wine tasting for a reason, _you're not supposed to drink it you idiot!'_

‘What this is all you get?! Dean griped as Sam glared. 'Rich people, so freaking weird, instead of drinking the good stuff they're paying to spit out the horrible yet stupidly expensive stuff, I'm telling you Sam these people got no class'.

‘That's rich coming from you', Sam laughed ‘I doubt your palate could even recognise anything more sophisticated than whisky, beer, and tequila'.

‘ _As nature intended_ '' Dean snapped. 'Cas what are you? -I thought I told you to not even _think_ about putting that thing back there'.

‘No my Angel blade has become dislodged and-

‘-Woah Cas do I even wanna ask where your smuggling that thing?!' Dean exclaimed his eyes widening to their full extent as Cas ran her palms down over her hips for some reason.

‘I am not smuggling it Dean, I was able to make it non-corporal with the energy boost I received from the spell Sam and Bobby cast, however-'

'-A purse' Dean interrupted ‘would put a stop to all these problems'.

Cas glared at him and Dean took a deep breath.

'Firstly I have no understanding of what it is about my supposed glaring at you that continuously sexually arouses you-

 _‘Issues_ Dean-

 _‘-Shut up_ Sam'.

‘And secondly if you are so enamoured of the ridiculous little bags you bought me then _you can carry them'._

‘I might look a little ridiculous carrying a tiny sequin purse on a hunt Cas'.

‘Gee Dean you think?'

‘Shut. up. Sam'

‘Who knows, maybe the enemy will just agree with me about the overcompensating thing'.

Sam smiled and Dean glared at him because Cas was staring at him quizzically and this was one conversation he _never_ wanted to have with her.

'Dean I am well aware that an element of your fan base believe you are what humans call a bisex-

‘-brilliant hunter Cas' Dean interrupted, _'a **brilliant** hunter'._

Sam laughed until his eyes started watering and Dean smiled slow and evil because he was about to fix Sammy's hash _good._ ‘Say Sammy we haven't been to one of these shindigs since that time you had the night of hot torrid passion with that grandma, there's quite a few sugar G-milfs around here as well, so, you know, _don't let us keep you'._

Sam's smile disappeared so fast it was borderline hysterical, the colour practically draining out of his face as Dean drank down the satisfaction'.

‘But Sam' Cas interjected clearly confused ‘you told me that you never copulated with-

‘- _I didn't'_ Sam spat, ‘how could I, she was like a hundred and two!'

‘Oh you hit that and you know it'. Dean murmured smiling.

‘Oh you know what screw you Dean'.

‘Go get em boy' Dean yelled as Sam huffed away.

‘I am confused about this possible encounter with the elderly grandmother, you say it happened and yet Sam continuously denies it'.

 _'Oh it happened Cas_ , but it's what's referred to as a "booty call".

‘A what? I do not understand'.

Dean leant forward and Cas mirrored his action giving him the most spectacular view of her cleavage as she sat opposite him. 'It's one of those things Sammy likes to keep on the down low… you know a secret' he supplied when Cas continued to stare at him.

Cas thought about it for a moment, ‘So you're saying Sam does not want anyone to know about his um… socially inappropriate preference?'

Dean's face broke into a smile, ‘you got it Cas, so no matter how much he denies it, just always remember this, _he did it_ and he'll do it again, it's just his thing, but he's too ashamed to admit it'.

Cas nodded almost conspiratorially and Dean suppressed his laugh because she looked so serious to learn this new secret aspect to her friend's life… _hook, line, and sinker._

‘Is that a fishing metaphor?'

! … ‘Er, yeah, you know I dream about fishing sometimes'.

Cas nodded and his eyes riveted to her chest against his will… sort of.

‘Dean'.

‘Yeah', he mumbled trying and failing to tear his eyes away.

‘Why are we still here, I take it we've achieved our goal?'

‘Yeah, I think Bobby must be on to something else or he would be here by now, so let's just sit tight until he gets back alright'.

‘Okay Dean'.

‘Besides it will give Sam more time to shop for his favourite sweet SGM'.

‘What's a-

‘-SGM?'

Cas nodded.

‘It means Sugar Mama or in this case sugar G-milf'.

‘I'm sorry I do not-

‘-Well Sam can tell you more about it then I can since it's his thing and all, so you be sure to ask him about it'.

‘But I thought the boundaries you are always telling me about meant-'

‘-Forget all that Cas, _that only applied when you were a dude_ '.

‘I do not see how this new appearance of my vessel'.

‘-Just trust me Cas. Now the Sugar G-Ma, Sugmilf, or SGM as its more commonly known is a wrinkly grandma that Sam sees and just _has_ to hit,- no not literally hit!' he hastily amended as Cas looked shocked, ‘I mean hit as in get it on with'.

‘Oh… that's...'

'Well you know it's not all about pleasure, they pay him obviously, I mean how do you think we finance this gig? you think hustling pool keeps our gun mags filled with real silver bullets! Sure I make enough fixing classic cars good as mint, to keep us fed and on the road because I'm that good with my hands -just sayin, but then there's weapons, ammo, spell ingredients, fake ID's, bribes, bail, pie and hookers- um I mean tips, so anyway hunting is an expensive operation, Sammy's just doing what he's gotta do, he may be a smartass and pre-law but that ain't gonna make him a dime, so you know how else can he help out financially'.

'I suppose I never really gave enough thought to the financial aspect of hunting, But I know that humans require money to survive, and as you say, you and Sam must pay for food, accommodation, fuel and ammunition… it must run into quite an expense. Since Sam is just doing what he can to pay his share of the expenses, why does he go to such lengths to hide this… it seems strange'.

‘Oh it is Cas, but that's our Sammy, marching to the beat of his own weird little drum. And don't feel too sorry for him Cas, you know no one can make Sam do anything he doesn't want to, primarily he does it because he likes it, the money is just gravy'.

'Exactly how is it a liquefied meal accompaniment?'

Dean sighed, ‘never mind… You know Cas I think it would be really awesome if you let him know you understand, might make things a little easier on him you know'.

'If you believe it is within the boundaries Dean then I will be happy to speak with him and assure him that I understand the reasons that compel him to make money in such a fashion'.

'Awesome', Dean smirked, because this was going to be priceless. ‘Anyway enough about Sam's senior citizen fetish. That was nice work back there Cas, faking a female thing to get away from those jerks, awesome'.

‘Well it was your suggestion Dean, but I am surprised at how well it worked'. Cas looked puzzled and Dean smiled, just because she knew how the human body worked technically didn't mean she actually understood a thing about how it all worked in practice.

‘Well generally your average man or in this case dumb ass jock is not evolved enough to warp his caveman skull around female dynamics, not me of course, but then I have been around a lot more women than your average man so… oh wait sorry Cas I keep forgetting, that you're a woman now'.

‘I keep telling you, I am not a woman Dean I just look like one'. Cas rasped.

The waiter, unfortunately, chose that moment to offer them champagne, which he grabbed and downed to get rid of the taste of that god-awful swill he drank earlier. The waiter stared at Cas giving her a suspicious once-over and then hurried to the next table glancing back baffled, as Dean laughed harder than he had in a long time because he could just imagine the confused kid thinking, that body, that face, _there's **no way** she's really a dude._

'Cas seriously' Dean sputtered ‘you can't just say stuff like that in public, you almost gave that poor waiter a brain aneurysm trying to study you and figure it out'.

‘But I was simply stating that I am neither a male or a-'

‘Cas I'm begging you', Dean struggled to talk unused to laughing so hard, ‘the poor guys already confused enough as it is, you start making him think you're a hermaphrodite and he might just blow a damn fuse!'

‘There is no need for his fuse to be blown, I have no gender, I was in a male vessel, and that vessel was altered to this female one, and we are trying to get it changed back'.

The waiter who had moved just within earshot went bright red accidentally pouring the champagne he was serving down a rich woman's cleavage as Dean threw back his head and roared with laughter.

 

#  Deleted Scene:

_This is the original beginning of the chapter that was taken out for pacing issues because I thought it was better to start at the party with Dean being furious over all the jocks flirting with Cas! However, I really loved the interaction between Dean and Cas here as well as Dean's thoughts about Sam so I added it as an extra, hope you like it!_

** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **

Dean tugged at the stupid collar of his stupid monkey suit, it was the same one he wore when Bella screwed him over way back when and he hated the damn thing; angry sex with Bella _urgh_ , he should never have done that he thought suppressing a full body shudder. 

'Your interactions with Bella Talbot still trouble you Dean, yet you will not speak of it'.

‘I met her again… downstairs, These aren't good memories… you don't know about it Cas and believe me it's better that way'.

Cas leant back in her chair, ‘I did not say I knew nothing of it Dean, I simply said you have never chosen to discuss the matter'.

‘You know about it?' Dean's voice was hurried.

Cas locked eyes with Dean, but he tore his eyes away from her. ‘how many times Dean, what happened in hell was not your fault, you must let go of this burden of guilt you carry'.

‘That's never going to happen Dean said quietly you don't know Cas', Dean's voice sounded broken under the weight of guilt, ‘you don't know what I… you only know what you saw when you came to rescue me, you don't know what I did, what I turned into'.

Cas surprised Dean by stroking his face, you have had many vivid nightmares on the subject, you helped her torture her father, and under your and Alistair's tutelage she became a demon much faster than she may have otherwise’.

‘She was just a kid when she made that deal Cas, she didn't even know what she was getting into; you don't know what he did to her, believe me Cas if ever a guy deserved to be in hell it was him'. Dean lowered his gaze his voice low, whatever you see in my head it's just bits and pieces, believe me it's worse than you think, I turned into a monster Cas, there's no wiping that clean, you don't know… and I can't…

'I know everything Dean, not just what I saw when I rescued you, not just what you recollect in your nightmares'.

'Then how can you…' Dean looked horrified trying to turn away as Cas put her other hand on his face and held him still. 'How can you think I'm…'

'You are', Cas rasped, 'just like I told you all those years ago, just like I've been trying to make you understand ever since. You are worthy of saving, you always have been and to me you always will be no matter what'.

Dean leant forward slowly until he was resting his forehead against hers, only breaking the connection when he felt Sam watching them. He couldn't explain it, but she comforted him like nothing else ever had. Sure his relationship with Sam was everything to him, but he couldn't say it was exactly filled with soothing physical contact since Sammy had outgrown cuddles, declaring it for babies at all of 4 when hugs were suddenly met with stiff-necked resistance and griping about not being a little kid anymore, yeah it was adorable, but jeez that kid was a pain in the ass! Dean noticed they had an unwelcome audience, Sam and Bobby were openly staring at them looking part bewildered and part wary. Sam was actually craning his giraffe neck eyeballing them instead of minding his own damn business, seriously, _a pain in the ass._

Bobby cleared his throat 'well if you two have quite finished, I said this is as far as we go - Judging by the blank look on yer mug dean I'm guessing you ain't heard a damn thing I've said'.

'Er yeah sure I um…'

'Can it boy, you ain't been good for much since you shoved Cas into that slip of dress she's barely wearing while me and Sam were busy prepping for this job, humph, I bet you picked that out real special' Bobby griped.

‘Soon as he got his eyes back in his head long enough to flash his hacked credit card that is', Sam sneered.

'Some reason you couldn't buy her the entire dress boy?' Bobby adjusted his cap and scratched his scar, 'well we ain't exactly got the time for you to go back and buy the rest of it now, and since you were the one all but throwing her in the back of the car at the last minute practically nekid, the least you can do is manage not to trip over your own feet or slip in a puddle of your own drool while we get this job done, you think you can do that Dean?' Bobby's eyes narrowed and his jaw set, eyes glinting with suppressed rage as it became clear that Dean hadn't heard a thing he'd said. 'Dean' he barked snapping his fingers, as Cas nudged him and he turned to look in his direction, his temper not soothed by the fact it was Cas nudging him that got his attention not his hollering at him, what the hell was he now chopped liver. 'Dean, are you with us', he enunciated slowly.

'Yeah sure Bobby I'm here'.

'Good, so nice to know', he growled between clenched teeth struggling for patience, because something was clearly very wrong with Dean… well, more than the usual anyway. ‘Okay so we're going to walk you two yahoos right through the door, no offence Cas'.

'None taken'.

'Got your invites?'

Dean tapped his breast pocket and Bobby nodded? 'Okay, Sam and I are going to hit the back, you guys mingle and wait for the signal okay'.  


'All right let's roll'.


	16. Has Gloria ever been wrong about the rhythm getting you?

'I haven't laughed that hard since… ever, you're something else Cas'

'Well that is what I have been trying to say; however -

'-Hey Cas you wanna dance?’

'I do not know how to dance Dean’.

‘Like they say here in Texas, _that dog won’t hunt’_.

‘I am not familiar with that phrase’.

‘It means it's time you learned, and I'm here to help you because slow dancing is a vital part of being human Cas’.

Castiel's eyes narrowed and Dean sucked in his breath, _so damn hot when she looked at him like that._

‘Dean, I find it difficult to believe dancing holds any real importance’.

‘Shows what you know! ever heard of twerking? I'm telling you the world changed for the better when that happened, then some busty Asian beauties hopped on the bandwagon and I damn near sprained a wrist, YouTube Cas, just saying, it's a blessing and a curse when you’re bored between hunts, er, not that you need to know that now you're a girl, um unless that’s your thing- is it your thing? …you have no idea what I'm talking about do you?'

‘No; and I have no desire to watch you perform this twerking style of dance’.

‘Whoa _no Cas_ , only girls do it! and well some guys, you know the kind Sam gets his jollies watching, not that I'm into that of course’. _friggin YouTube and not tagging things properly!_

‘I am confused, you explained that Sam's sexual preference irrespective of financial recompense was elderly women, now you say his er _jollies_ are derived from watching men dance’.

‘Oh they are because - _and this is important Cas-_ no matter how many grandma’s Sam bangs he's still always gonna be into guys  _obviously-_ it's called swinging both ways. Look the point is everyone including bisexual sasquatches needs to know at least one kind of dance, that's why even Sam manages to get his gigantoid two step on if some sweet G-milf action is on the line. Now come on Cas, cut a rug with me, you know you want to’, Dean stood up at Castiel’s baffled expression and held out his hand ‘ _do not make me pull you_ ’. Cas looked around nervously and reluctantly took his hand, and he hoped she didn’t notice the way he sucked in his breath when the simple contact shot through him like a bolt of electricity sizzling through his body in a heated throbbing way that was probably going to make slow dancing awkward, but it was too late now, he was leading her to the dance floor, thankful when the band took the cue and started to play a slow sultry jazz number perfect for slow dancing.

‘I have observed humans dancing over the centuries; however learning how was not a necessity of being a solider of heaven so I am unfamiliar with the required coordinated movements’.

‘Don’t worry Cas, I’ll teach you’ he murmured his lips at her ear as she stood stiff and unyielding in his arms ‘not like that’ he whispered grasping her little hands in his and placing them oh his lapels, the simple action making his body feel as if it was sizzling and sparking off hers and suddenly slow dancing seemed like a very dangerous idea, yet he was unable to resist moving closer to the fire that was burnig him. 'You have to hold on to me’ his voice was deep and low’ you have to put your hands on my shoulders, or around my neck and press up against me as close as you can- yeah like that’ he drawled barely smothering a groan, his large hands sliding down unable to resist playing with the bouncing curls of hair tumbling past her waist, tickling and teasing his hungry hands as he settled them on her hips gently encouraging her to sway in time with the music.

Holding her like this was _seriously_ testing his self control, but he wouldn’t change it because she fit perfectly in his arms, and he couldn't resist her, couldn’t fight the effect she had on him as once again he was drowning in her maddening scent. Their eyes locked and held, and he knew she was reading his mind, so she had to know how much he wanted her, how his self control was being shattered by the feel of her in his arms.

Castiel's long lashes lowered, shielding her eyes from his gaze as she husked ‘Dean we have to assume what Sam and Bobby fear may be true and your attraction to my vessel is the result of unknown external forces, given you're proclivity for female bodies I can only conclude the return of my original vessel will curb this newfound desire, perhaps if you concentrate on that goal-

-He was watching her mouth as she was speaking but he wasn’t listening to a word, he was remembering what it was like to kiss her, remembering how her soft beautiful lips had burned like fire, how she tasted like spiced honey laced with heated sweetness and soft smokiness, how her sultry scent had filled his lungs, crawled inside him and saturated him, taking him over and making him hers, and just like in the motel room he was her slave, he would do anything for her, and now just like then he wanted her, _god he wanted her_ , he wanted to drag her to the ground, his face in her hair, his hungry lips at her throat as he kissed his way down her neck, removing the flimsy material of her dress so he could suckle her breast until she was moaning for him, urging him on, her hands tangling in his hair pushing his head down as he was enthusiastically kissing and licking his way south, hungrily chasing her scent, desperate to taste her, his tongue delving between her thighs, making her come apart for him as he buried his tongue inside her and not just his tongue, _he wanted to bury every inch of his-_

‘-Dean... the song is over, everyone has returned to their seats’.

Cas made to walk off and he yanked her back against him urgently growling ‘stay in front of me’ in her ear.

‘Why? she husked back.

 _Was she kidding him right now,_ her wide eyed look as he stared down at her said she wasn't. ‘you gotta stand in front of me because you got me hard Cas, _so damn hard for you’._

‘Um yes, but this happens frequently since the change of my vessel and you become… emotional if I mention it so-

‘- _I don't get emotional!’_ he snapped lowering his voice when her expression said he was making her point, but damn it she was making him sound like some hysterical horny bastard experiencing unwanted boners for the first time in the middle of gym class! ‘you have this all wrong Cas and we’ll talk about this _never_ ’ he hissed ‘Now don't move if you do everyone’s going to notice, I can't exactly hide it, and I can't pull off an adjustment right now’.

‘A what?’

‘You know when you pull it up flat against your stomach so- you know what, never mind, you may have used to own one but you clearly didn't know how to use it’. _God this was a strange conversation._

Cas was just staring at him as if he was insane, then her confused expression cleared, ‘Oh is see, it would cause you some embarrassment to have the elderly ladies here witness your tumescence, and you cannot attempt to conceal it with so many eyes focused upon you as we continue to stand alone unmoving on a dance floor when the music has ceased… is it your wish for me to lead you to your seat in an attempt to hide your tumescence?’

Dean's eyes slammed shut as he prayed for patience, because what the hell had he just been saying? _It was like his words were freaking pig Latin to her and she only understood his thoughts!_

‘I am not familiar with this Latin of swine Dean and I know all languages; also my father never taught pigs Latin or any other human dialect, I take it you mean something else?’

‘Not the most pressing issue right now Cas' he growled in her ear, wondering how the hell he could still be this hard when having such a ridiculous conversation, but then she was turning in his arms so she could walk in front of him and impossibly he became even harder, and suddenly he couldn’t think yet alone walk, his hands slid down to her hips of their own accord as he held her in front of him, and thankfully the band took pity on him or more likely mistook him for another douchebag one-percenter who fancied his chances with the hot chick in his arms and didn’t want to get of the dance floor; either way the band started up another slow tune and a few other couples drifted to the floor, but he couldn’t care less because Cas finally understood slow dancing, or more to the point, her curvy backside was rubbing up against him as he held her close moving slowly to the music, her body moulded to his swaying with him as he groaned and buried his face in her hair-

 _‘-Get a room son!’_ a familiar voice bellowed as Dean's head snapped up as the rich Texan from earlier delivered a bone jarring clap on the back while roaring with laughter, ‘you sure got it bad for your honey son, and may I say she's as hot as a-’

 _‘-You may not’_ Cas snapped surprising Dean as the rich Texan tipped his wide brimmed hat drawling, ‘no offence Mame- who hoo you got yourself a fire cracker there boy’, he roared, clapping him harder on the back ‘I sure like em feisty too! I tell you what son, a woman gotta have some fire in her if she wants any of my time and money!’ The Texan hooted as if he was hilarious winking at him and getting handsy with his dance partner who looked barely college age and was glaring daggers at him, deliberately stepping on the toe of his cowboy boots and shoving his arm from her waist when he started fondling her backside ‘ooh rarh, you see what I mean bwoy’ he whooped as he two-stepped past surprisingly impressive on the dance floor for a randy old coot, ‘feisty is my particular brand of poison in a gal! You know I'm looking for Mrs fifth here tonight, if this little lady right here plays her cards right she might just be the one!- and if not, well son we can't all be so lucky as you to find a bride hotter than lady Godiva riding buck nekid on a white saddle in the middle of Ju-ly! Whoo, I’ll tell you what, y _ou sure know how to pick em bwoy!’’_

‘Um yeah thanks, I think’, the Texan winked at him and grinned showing a mouth of what had to be some pricy dental work, with each perfectly aligned tooth roughly the size of a headstone and looking whiter than humanly possibly against his ruddy tanned face.

Cas who had been glaring at the Texan, clearly not liking what she saw in his head chose that unfortunate moment to turn in his arms and the Texans eyebrows shot up, ‘seriously son, get-a-room, bwarr hawr hawr, well come on potential Mrs. 5 we better leave these two alone it's gettin racy over here, and frankly I wouldn't wanna sully yar precious little eyes darlin’.

Dean grimaced in horror realising the Texan must have seen the effect of Cas rubbing up against him; great, first Bobby and now this Texan wife hunter made it two times an old man had seen him hard in as many days. _Seriously what the fuck was his life lately._

Dean pulled Cas closer to him, groaning faintly as she came into contact with him again, even as he was looking around to see who else had noticed his current state. Sam who naturally was sitting next to a handsy fossil was glaring at him and he gave him a look that he hoped conveyed the _get bent Sam_ he wanted to yell. ‘Cas’.

‘Yes Dean’.

‘ _Goddamit,_ why did she have to say _Yes Dean_ like that? **_So friggin hot,_** _‘back to plan_ A, you're gonna walk me the hell outta here, _just remember to stay close’._

‘Yes Dean’ she husked turning in his arms again to walk in front of him.

 _‘Great! All that husking his damn name and rubbing up against him when she turned had him too frigging hard to walk again!_ ‘I need a minute’ he growled snatching her back and holding her against his body. He could _feel_ Sam's eyes boring into him and he so didn’t need that right now! He had to get himself under control. He closed his eyes inhaling deeply trying to get it together, unfortunately that just filled his nostrils with her scent and he suddenly felt like he was going to explode in frustration.

‘Cas’ he groaned desperately as she surprised him by turning in his arms and looping her arms around his neck, _and if he thought he was close to exploding before **he was on the verge of coming untouched like some damn school boy right now!**_

Cas went on her tip toes ‘Sam has given the signal-

-He caught her addictive mouth with his hungry lips, cutting off whatever she was saying midsentence, jolts of red hot electricity lashing his body, making him even harder for her, edgy and desperate for another hit of the addictive drug that was Cas _and_ _he had to have more_ as he was pulling her even tighter against him, deepening the kiss, forgetting all the reasons it was wrong, all the reasons he'd promised he wouldn’t, _because he had to have her, **had too,** **or he was going to go mad.**_ _It was beyond want, he **needed her** , needed to touch her, craved the_ _taste of her,_ the warm spiced honey of her lips drawing him in, her hot moist mouth yielding to his tongue, her soft body pressing up against him hot as wildfire, the heat seeping into him, fuelling the intensity of the electricity racing up and down his spine until it felt like his body was on fire for her, _fuck_ _she was driving him crazy_ ‘Cas’ he moaned his lips against hers, his voice deep and almost slurred ‘can't take it anymore, know it's a bad idea, said I wouldn't, can't help it, _I want you so fucking badly’._ He was breathing hard burying his hand in the back of her soft hair and pulling her head back to give him greater access to her mouth as his lips came down on hers, his arm curving around her waist and trapping her heated body up against his, what little restraint he had left going up in flames as he was kissing her hot and heavy-

‘Dean what the hell are you doing!’ Sam's judgmental voice hissing in his ear, _like a bucket of ice killing the mood._ ‘I gave Cas the signal, and instead of listening you start macking on her like some horny jock at prom, and what happened to you agreeing that it was a bad idea? You know what never mind, but believe me we are going to discuss it later, now put it back in your damn pants already -yeah we all saw that- but for right now _we gotta go_ , Bobby helped himself to some extras we need when his ungrateful rich jerk friend wouldn’t give, and I think we got about one minute before security _-Damn it there here,_ we have to move _now -_ oh ‘hi Phyllis'

‘I was gettin bored all on my little lonesome waitin for you to wet my whistle darlin’, The elderly southern belle licked her gammy over glossed lips eyeing Sam hungrily and Dean suddenly felt a whole lot better about Sam interrupting and being a jerk to him just now because his visible grimace of horror before he quickly hid it was just _priceless_ , _proving once again that Sam's reaction to being cougar bait just never got old!_

‘Urm let me get you that refill’ Sam's voice oozed charm and Dean knew he was up to something, ‘waiter could we get a drink for this lovely young lady’

‘Oh aint you sweet darlin’.

Dean's eyes narrowed as Sam cleverly manoeuvred his tipsy handsy date over to the table the extravagant 6 foot champagne glass tower fountain was on. The large solid marble table looked unmovable but his brother was both deceptively fast and freakishly strong _even for a sasquatch,_ and his date was clearly too busy batting her ancient eyelashes at him too notice that while bowing to take and kiss her hand he was using his other hand to give the table a hard shove. With split second timing Sam cleverly let his date sway very close to the Champagne tower so to anyone looking it would appear as if the old heiress, being both tipsy and too busy ogling her toy boy to look where she was going was to blame as the tower wobbled ominously.

Sam “gallantly” pulled his date out of harm’s way as the Tower came crashing down in deafening spectacular fashion spewing shards of flying glass and expensive champagne in every direction while guests shrieked and fled the danger zone

_No one noticed the two faux one percenters, and flustered looking Angel escaping the pandemonium._


	17. …Lousy Non-State Sponsored Whisky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Sorry it's been so long it's almost rude to keep going, please forgive, I graduated with top marks and thought yay now I have time to write! Of course that bit where I run my own business and it's my main source of bread and butter was a pesky down to earth reminder that I have less free time than ever and that’s saying something! But you know what that just makes having a creative outlet all the more important so I'm going to keep going no matter what! 
> 
> Regarding this story, I'm not normally such a tease I swear, and things will be getting x rated as well they should be in the next few chapters I promise, I just can't resist making Dean suffer a bit longer, because no matter the circumstances, he is still being a sexist jerk half the time, because his brain can't filter what his mouth is saying when he's all tied up in knots panting after girl-Cas, and Dean's not used to not being in control where woman are concerned, he's pretty and never has to really try hard, I bet he's never experienced a dry spell, he even says as much in season 5 when he tells Cas “if I'm hungry I eat, if I want sex I go get it… I'm just well fed” he wasn’t really talking about sex in that conversation but the point remains that getting sex has never really been an obstacle to Dean; it's also been established that Dean has never been in love, which is what Bobby's reanimated wife said to him in season 5 which means his infatuation with Cassie was never the real thing and it was obvious his thing with Lisa was grasping at all he had left after believing that Sam was dead, the moment Sam came back it was clear the relationship was doomed, Lisa even says exactly that when she tells Dean “the moment he came back I knew it was over” in other words their relationship was not the real thing. 
> 
> Everyone knows how much Cas means to Dean whether you ship destiel or not they are defiantly a real thing, it's obvious that Dean's feelings for Cas run deep, and it's also obvious that Dean has no idea how to deal with how things are going at the moment, which is pretty entertaining so far, so forgive me for stretching out the fun for a few more chapters!!!

“Goddamit” Bobby sighed “So it turns out this is only part of the artefact we need, there are three parts in total and-

“Why?” Dean barked.

“Why what?”

“Why does there always and I mean _always_ have to be multiple parts to some obscure crap spread over god knows where, why can’t we _for once_ just have one thing, right now, in our sights, making sense”.

“Beats the hell out of me, nearest I can figure the universe don't wanna make it too easy for us, wouldn't want us going soft an all”.

“Just saying, it would be nice for a damn change”.

“Yeah, well so would no taxes and free Glenfiddich Whiskey on the state but you don't hear me bellyaching”.

Cas walking into the room barefoot in a short floaty sundress promptly ended the conversation as Dean was reduced to a gaping, slack-jawed eidjit. “Enough!” Bobby barked in exasperation as Sam reached for the weighty book he’d been eyeing ominously with the clear intention of hitting Dean in the head with it. “Dean pick your damn Jaw off the floor and focus dammit, we have a job to do”. _Dean had barely heard him_ , Bobby thought, _and he'd been oblivious to almost catching the full brunt of his brother’s wrath upside his skull, and while Dean not noticing Sam about to brain him probably prevented another bout of bickering, it also meant the boy was away with the clouds, which was the last thing they needed right now._ “Dean” he snapped “you with us, or are you too busy humming ‘so this is love’ in your head like a damn edjit?”

“Um what”

“Sam forget I said anything _hit him with the book,_ but you might wanna use the even heavier one next to it, really get the point across, you may need to use two hands to lift it, but I think it’ll be worth it _”._ Bobby held up his hand, just as Sam was about to swing, “urm Sam, second thought best not, he's only firing on one cylinder as it is right now”.

Sam shrugged because Bobby had a point, something was definitely wrong with his idiot brother and it was clearly getting worse, _he had the feeling he could literally pull out his gun and threaten to shoot Dean right now and Dean wouldn’t even notice._

Bobby frowned, he'd said Sam could hit Dean to judge Dean's reaction, he'd even telegraphed that the book was so heavy that someone Sam's size and strength would need two hands to lift it, he should have been on high alert but **_nothing_**. Attack by book wasn’t exactly high on the threat level for a trained hunter granted, but Dean's behaviour had him worried enough to wonder if Dean was up to doing the job. He was acting like an obsessed drug addict with Cas, it was like he couldn't relate to anything that wasn’t coming from, or to do with her; and while falling hard for girl-Cas and not being able to handle it could easily account for some of Dean's behaviour, it didn’t explain the complete change in his core personality and that’s what had him so concerned.  
Dean had learned the hard way to be cynical, he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and rightly so, yet he didn’t seem concerned about who had changed Cas into a woman or why, when something with the power to mess with an Angel should have been on the top of his to gank list.  
Dean was extremely perceptive with a high IQ just like his brother; the difference was Dean had never let being smart interfere with his dedication to half-assing it through school; still, Dean was far better read than he pretended, and could build and fix damn near anything without being taught; he was also an expert tracker, able to draw knowledge from his surroundings, and adapt to his environment, skills that had saved all their lives more than once; yet looking at Dean right now all he saw was a man in a mental haze that was ignoring everything and everyone around him, _and_ _for a hunter that was suicide._

“Dean”.

“Yeah Cas”.

“I believe Bobby is going to tell us how to obtain the object we need to help restore my full powers, please listen”.

“Right, okay Bobby Sam, a little focus, how's this gonna go down?”

“Is he serious?! You know what _Screw the book_ , **_I'm gonna hit him with the damn chair_** ” Sam growled.

 _… Dean was all fired up now when moments before he'd been completely out of it,_ Bobby thought watching Dean intently, _he'd only started paying attention because Cas asked him to._

“Damn it Sam focus, why the hell are you wasting time picking a fight when we have to help Cas? What is wrong with you?- and Bobby, the plan? Whenever you're ready I'm all ears, _so let’s hear it while me and Sam are still young_ ”.

“Oh I am done” Bobby snapped, “Cas I'm talking directly to you right now, _we’ll fill Dean in when he pulls his head out of his ass”._

“Hey-

“-Um… Okay Bobby” Cas rasped “so how will you obtain the artefact, I believe it is heavily guarded?”

“That’s an understatement, grabbing it ain't gonna be easy, would you believe some cult of corporate freaks running a respectable front for illegal black market trading actually worship the damn thing, real wolfram and heart… not a Buffy fan I see, moving on, they have it stashed in their headquarters and believe me it's not for sale, but me and Sam think we've found a way in; Cas I'm gonna need you to-

“No”. Dean snapped his tone finite.

 _“No one’s talking to you Dean”, Bobby grouched,_ “and what Cas does ain't up to you, so pipe down boy. Cas, sometimes the simplest solution is the best. Now me and Sam found a weakness in the security set up when we were doing recon on the building, it ain't gonna be pleasant and it's way beneath your abilities but sadly you're currently the best suited for the job, we need you too-

“-I said **_No_** ”.

“Last time I checked your name wasn’t Cas” Bobby snapped.

Dean's expression got extremely unfriendly “I don't care what she says Bobby, I said no and I meant it; _find another way”._

Bobby scowled and leaned back in his chair, settling in for a knock down drag out fight with Dean because he knew the stubborn set to Deans jaw all too well; and when Dean Winchester dug in his heals there was just no dealing with him, he could be even more stubborn than John, _and that was saying something”._

“Dean listen, I have a plan, and-

“Bobby, I don’t give a damn what your plan is! _if it involves Cas **it aint happening!”**_

_“You better climb down a notch boy, **and watch your damn tone”.**_

“You can get mad if you want to, _but there is no way in hell I'm letting Cas-_

“-Dean” Cas laid her hand gently on his arm and Dean turned and locked eyes with her, “it is only taking a temporary job as a secretary to obtain access to the building and provide a distraction for Sam to infiltrate their systems is that correct Bobby?”

Bobby nodded, because Castiel's mind snooping mojo was actually proving helpful for once, of course he didn’t like Cas rummaging around in his head without permission, who would, but at least it meant his, dang it- her mojo was working.

“It is not a problem Dean” Cas rasped, while Bobby studied the pair silently, noting that Cas was apparently now able to effortlessly talk Dean off a ledge in zero seconds flat. **_Interesting_** _,_ _the only person, he’d seen come anywhere close to having that kind of influence over Dean was Sam._

“But Cas-

“-I am perfectly capable of taking on such a mission -Do you doubt me so much Dean?”

“No that's not it, you can do anything Cas I know that, but you’re gonna be alone there, unprotected, I can't-

“-Well if you would have listened instead of immediately going to DEFCON 1, I might have got to tell you they also have a position for a security guard-

“-I’ll do it”, Dean blurted out still locked eyed with Cas who still had her hand on his arm.

“Well actually I was thinking that Sam should-

“-No”.

“Dean this place is the damn Fort Knox of illegal antiquities, we need to access the network servers and it may take a while because the encryption on those things ain't cute, once the security system is disabled we need someone in place to steal the artefact. Sam's the better hacker, you're the better thief”.

“Sam can steal well enough when he wants too; god knows he's run off with my baby enough times”.

“Hey that was only-

“-I'm doing it”, Dean snapped, “I'm gonna be the one to protect Cas on this job _and that’s **final, end of discussion**_ ”.

 _Well Dean was just being a peach today._ Bobby thought with an exasperated sigh, pouring a finger of lousy non-state sponsored whisky and downing it in one go.

#  ** ************************** **

 

Bobby sat in his study drinking quietly, Sam had just finished threatening to lock Dean in his room if he offered to help Cas in the shower one more time, and while it all seemed like ridiculous love struck idiot behaviour on the surface, he was starting to worry this was something far more dangerous, and the only person he could safely ask about it was currently through no fault of her own one half of the problem.  
Cas meant a lot to Dean that much was clear, but now she seemed to have complete sway over him, and even though she hadn't done anything untoward with this influence, it was obvious that if she were of a mind to she could get Dean to do anything she wanted; _the question was how?_ Dean had been able to say no to Cas well enough before this change of vessel, and adding Cas now being a beautiful woman to the mix still wasn’t enough to explain this- Dean was no stranger to beautiful women, he'd been falling in and out of their beds since he was a teenager. So how and why was Dean now completely open to manipulation where Cas was concerned?  
It was especially puzzling because unless you were John, or Sam, or using either as leverage manipulating Dean was no easy task, it was part of the whole stubborn as a mule thing he inherited from his daddy. Yet, the fact he'd been able to use basic reverse psychology earlier to make Dean think taking the security guard post was his idea, just proved once again that Dean's head wasn’t in the game.  
Dean had as many issues as you would expect after growing up in the life, yet he was not a man that was easily swayed or broken. He'd survived hell with his mind intact, he'd survived being shot full of psychedelic crazy juice when the brothers had themselves committed to a nut house to help a former hunter who had saved John's life- and even though Dean was literally out of his mind at the time he had worked the case, using his intelligence to psychoanalyse himself until he figured out he was hallucinating and that was how the monster was making people kill themselves.  
When he commended him about it later, Dean had shrugged it off with a gruff ‘Yeah, well, I was crazy not stupid’. Yet intelligence alone hadn't been enough to save them, because for all his intellect Sam had gone straight up nuts, and had to be drugged and restrained after turning violent. Dean had been able to save himself and Sam because he was extremely strong willed, and underneath it all, no matter how much he acted to the contrary, he was painfully self-aware on a level most people couldn’t even come close to. Yet now Dean didn’t have the wherewithal to see he was under the influence of something and it was affecting his judgement? _What about that made sense?_

Bobby sighed mentally adding yet another tick to the ‘Reasons to put Dean out of commission tally in his head.

**_One more incident and he was benching Dean for his own good._ **

#  ** ************************** **

 

Dean scowled as Sam patted Castiel's shoulder awkwardly “Alright Cas, just how we practiced okay, you're gonna be fine, don’t look so nervous, just remember you can do this”.

“I am unsure that I could have managed this with the full powers of heaven at my disposal Sam, even with your tutelage I do not believe I have mastered this art”.

“Well that might of looked a little strange with the trench coat and all, but I'm sure you could have done it if you put your mind to it” Sam smiled, “I'm secure enough to say you made a pretty decent looking dude Cas”.

“Alright Sam knock it off and quit trawling for a date if Cas switches back to the old model” Dean griped.

“Don’t you mean _when_ Cas switches back to the old model?”

“One job at a time Sam, did I teach you nothing? We have to help Cas get all her mojo back not just some of it, the boost we gave her with the spell is spiking all over the place and we don’t even know how long it will last, she needs her mojo to protect herself, _so let’s focus on the problem at hand okay”._

“You’re right, we can worry about finding whoever did this and making them reverse it later”.

Sam could of sworn he heard Dean say “ ** _or never_** ” under his breath.

#  ** ************************** **

 

Watching Cas from the shadows of the seventh floor employee entrance parking lot, as she distracted the security guard on route to her faux job was **painful**. Her smile was awkward, her body language confusing, the whole thing was… freaking _adorable dammit_ , and the sleazebag guard couldn't be making it more obvious that he wanted her, even if he wasn’t asking her out for the seventh time this week and the third time this conversation.

 _That **sunuvabitch** ,_ Dean thought furiously while the guard wasted time detaining Cas under the guise of needing to search her purse. First, employee’s bags were only searched on the way _out_ not on the way in; second, a machine scanned the bags so him doing it by hand would have just been an excuse to spend time talking to her while getting his greasy hands all over her things!- and third, the guard wasn’t so much as looking at her purse right now, yet alone searching it, _she could be smuggling a rocket launcher in and the guard wouldn't notice_ , Urgh! _what he wouldn't give to kick every square inch of his lecherous, liberty taking ass!_ \- and Speaking of ass kicking, this whole ‘distract the guard thing’ had been Sam and Bobby's idea **_and he wanted to frigging kneecap them both for it!_**  
He didn't care if the guards fascination with Cas meant him routinely ignoring his monitor, giving Sam time to hack into his terminal, _he only knew the guard wanted Cas and it made him want to peel the man’s face off slowly and use it as a leather shammy to buff baby’s hubcaps._

His whole body stiffened as he was dragged from his violent thoughts by Cas’s scent washing over him. Gusts of summer breeze were whistling through the seventh floor parking lot, rustling Cas’s long curls and billowing out the skirt of her short sundress, _**this was crazy** , she was at least 30 feet away yet he could smell her like she was standing in front of him,_ he thought while stifling a groan, his eyes sliding shut involuntarily as he breathed in her scent because _she smelled so damn good, god she was driving him crazy… **goddamnit!**_ _Getting instantly hard on a hunt was a new one!_  
He took a deep breath and tried to calm down, but the effect Cas had on him was as overwhelming, as it was humiliating and all consuming, _how much more of this could he take!_ Being damn near constantly erect around Cas was messing with his ability to do the job! What if he had to run over and kick the guard's ass right now? (Even if he could run while painfully hard) He could just imagine what certain smart ass brothers of his, who were already convinced he liked violence just a bit too much, would have to say about him beating a man to death while sporting a boner, yep that would _definitely_ be taken the wrong way...  _the judgemental little…_ -He took another deep breath and sighed in relief because once again thinking of Sam's huffy indignation did the trick nicely… seriously Sammy was like natures reverse Viagra or something, _thank god._

He refocused his attention on the guard as the bastard actually tried running his greasy fingers over Cas’s bare shoulder, and he could feel his blood starting to boil as he reached for his phone hitting speed dial. “That’s enough friggin distraction Sam, hack faster” he growled hitting the end call button which A, prevented Sam's huffy response which would probably be loud enough to alert the guard and Cas to his presence, and B, gave him precious seconds to turn off his phones GPS, because if Sam traced it -and knowing him he was probably doing it right now- it would show his location as not at his post inside the building but hiding thirty feet away from where Sam was covertly set up in a rental car remote hacking the system while Cas distracted the guard.  
He could just imagine what Sam would have to say about him hiding in the shadows watching over Cas instead of roaming the building playing security guard while waiting for the go ahead to snatch the artefact. _Well Sam could get bent,_ he was exactly where he needed to be right now, because if Sam or Bobby for that matter thought he was going to let Cas deal with the guard alone without any backup they were both sadly mistaken. 

This whole mission was a frigging nightmare!- and he was extra worried about Cas since he'd been excluded from helping her prep for the job after Bobby and Sam decided ‘his input wasn't helpful’.  
**_Not helpful my ass!_** Dean thought angrily. Cas **needed** to know about what most men thought they could do to their secretaries! She **needed** to know that ‘taking dictation’ was actually dirty double speak for oral sex, and ‘working late’ or ‘corporate lunch’ meant sex in the office, and as for ‘business conference don’t, even get him started!- because according to the porn he’d seen, that really meant dirty group sex involving one busty Asian secretary and hordes of horny businessmen; at that point unfortunately, Sam had taken advantage of the fact he was leaning on the door frame sipping a beer while helping Cas and pounced while his guard was down, sucker punching him with his freaky sasquatch strength and elbowing him out of the room, then slamming the door in his face and locking it while yelling that he was ‘confusing reality with porn _again,_ and wasting everyone’s time with his sexist perverted bullshit’.  
**_As freaking if_** _!_ _He'd been **helping**_ ; he'd been the only one telling Cas what she _really_ needed to know to protect herself while Sam and Bobby were clearly too busy focusing on the wrong things. Who gave a damn how many words Cas could pretend to type a minute or how good her fake credentials looked! _Teaching her what the seedy underbelly of Corporate America was really like was far more important!_ He wasn’t about to let her pose as a secretary to some hedge-funding, white collar criminal douche-bag without knowing the score! _It was like sending her in there naked and defenceless. Great…_ now he was thinking about her naked, ~~and defenceless~~ and like clockwork **bam** , _he was right back to watching over Cas from the shadows of a parking lot, in a tight rent-a-cop uniform, sporting a full erection…  
**Seriously, what the fuck was his life lately.**_


	18. Hello Pot? This Is The Kettle Calling

 

They were getting close to cracking the system by creating a backdoor crypto key or whatever tech thing Sam had been getting his nerd rocks off about, he wasn’t really listening _because once again, the damn guard was cruising for a bruising **from a Dean Winchester shooting**_. The asshole clearly didn’t mind that Cas had ‘mislaid’ her pass again, just so long as she kept rummaging around it in her purse for it, which meant leaning forward and giving him an eyeful of her spectacular cleavage. 

‘If that bastard doesn't get his eyes back in his damn head _I'm gonna scoop them out with a rusty melon baller, and shove them up his ass, **see how he likes that frigging view!** ’_

‘Dean it's bad enough I caught you down here drooling after Cas instead of being at your post doing the damn job-

_Frigging GPS, he hated cell phones or more accurately nosy parker hacker brothers who found a way to hack into your phone and turn on your frigging GPS against your will,_

‘-The least you could do is **_shut up and let me concentrate._** I only let you in the car because you refused to leave even though you were jeopardising the mission skulking around in the parking lot spying on her’.

‘I was not _spying_ on her that guards obsessed, she's not safe around him I was _looking out_ for her,’.

‘You keep telling yourself that creep show’. 

‘I'm not the problem here Sam, _he is’._

‘Dean I don’t have time to deal with you being a jealous ass’.

‘I'm just saying he's begging for an ass kicking _and I'm in a very giving mood_ ’. 

Sam sighed his focus on his laptop where he was typing a mile a minute, ‘You're right Dean, beat him up, that will help the mission, it’s not like Cas stalling the guard while I hack into his terminal and upload bugs into the security system is part of the plan or anything, no, let’s just assume everything that’s happening here is all about upsetting you’. 

‘Quit being a smartass Sammy, and I get that she's supposed to be stalling him, _that doesn’t mean that jerk gets a free show’._

Sam's brows rose incredulously as he looked at Dean, ‘You kidding right?! Even after I told you to leave Cas to dress herself like any sane non-pervert would do, you went behind my back and picked that outfit, _and now you wanna bitch because skimpy dress equals drooling guard, **you're ridiculous** ’._

‘Oh that’s right Sam, _blame the victim! That’s-_

‘-Oh my god! _You_ **did not** just say that to me! _How the hell are you the victim here?’_

_‘Not me asshole, **Cas** ’._

_‘I’m not blaming her, **I’m blaming you!** ’_

‘So what are you saying, that my wom- er Cas wearing something classy gives some jerk the right to eyeball her like she's a piece of damn meat?!’

‘! Hello pot? _this is the damn kettle calling_ -of course I'm not saying the guard is right, you can admire a woman without being a damn pig about it! **_what the hell do you think I’ve been telling you this whole time!’_**

‘What the hell Sam! you can't seriously be comparing me to this guy, if you weren’t so busy stroking your damn keyboard, you would have seen that he's panting after her like a damn dog in heat and practically licking her ankles every time she walks by’.

‘First Dean, I’m not even going to _describe_ the look that crossed your face when you said licking and ankles, if this is another fetish of yours regarding Cas, _keep it to your damn self freak-show!_ Second, go talk about how your behaviour with Cas is different from that guard while looking in a mirror, who knows, **_maybe actually seeing how full of crap you are, will help you to stop lying to yourself!’_**

‘ _This guy is way out of line Sam!_ Cas is my Wom- er, she's my friend, _of course I am going to get angry when some greasy dick tries to take advantage’._

‘Again with what the hell I've been saying all along, Cas is my friend too and deserves to be treated with respect no matter the meatsuit; now you're the one stuck watching someone treating her like a toy, you suddenly there’s a problem. You know what’ Sam snarled turning his attention back to his computer. ‘I can't even deal with you right now’. 

Dean ignored whatever Sam was huffing about because he was watching enraged as the guard’s eyes greedily roamed all over Cas, feasting on her mouth, dropping lower and drinking in her cleavage, he saw see the moment his gaze travelled back to her face and he was transfixed by her mesmerising eyes, unable to look away. Cas was probably rifling through his head like a looter in a riot, but the guard didn’t know that, _he was hers,_ captivated, just like that ass at the rich-jerk party who damn near proposed. 

Maybe the effect Cas had wasn’t limited to him only… maybe Sam and Bobby saw her as family a sister, a daughter, and that’s why they weren't affected, but then he had caught Sam staring that first day… but that was just a glance, Sam defiantly wasn’t affected by her in the same way he was… maybe it was chemical, a siren thing but airborne, that would be why she smelled better than fresh impala, wanting woman, and cheeseburger suppers with sweet apple pie to him… yep that had to be it, just the smell of her had brought him to his damn knees yesterday, not to mention the whole embarrassing business of getting harder than a randy teenager, the fact was what was going on with him and Cas was a lot more than him having eyes and her being frigging gorgeous… he should have realised it sooner, clearly Cas has some kind of super siren mojo; if she came to the car and asked him to kill the person he loved most for her, well, he might not kill Sam but he'd sure as hell wound him in the leg and not just for being a condescending jerk, and comparing him to that asshole guard… although by his own thinking he would have something in common with him namely being susceptible to Cas’s mojo… whatever hat didn’t mean he was being an ass about it like the guard. 

_Great so now Cas was on the loose with dangerous mojo and no idea of the havoc she was causing. He_ knew taking Cas on a mission when they didn’t understand what had happened to her was a bad idea from the start, but would Bobby and Sam listen, no. and now look at the mess they were in, he was probably going to have to shoot that damn guard in the face and it would all be Bobby and especially Sam's fault. Damnit _should have never let this happen. H_ e should have said screw it after Sam sucker punched him, shot the lock off the door, _pistol-whipped Sam for interfering_ , marched Cas out of the room, and found another way to get what they needed, _that didn’t include exposing Cas to America’s Next Top Scumbag._ If he’d done that he wouldn’t be here right now _resisting the urge to commit frigging murder._

His finger may or may not have been tightening on his gun when Cas _finally_ found her pass- meaning Sam had sent an alert to her phone, the subtle vibration from the incoming message letting Cas know Sam had cracked the latest round of encryption and distraction time was over.

Cas was getting far better at this feminine whiles thing then his violent disposition could stand Dean thought, seething with rage as the slime ball guard’s greedy eyes glued to her backside as she walked past him, his face damp with the kind of excited sweat that could only be caused by heart attack inducing levels of arousal. 

The hell with it, Dean thought his expression murderous he should have blown the damn door off with C4, because even if taken a round of rock salt courtesy of Bobby's itchy trigger finger, _it could never have been more painful than watching this dick leching all over Cas day after day._

Dean gritted his teeth, if he could take her place he would, but sadly his handsome charm was unlikely to have the same effect on the greasy, balding, scumbag guard, who was clearly getting paid to ignore his post so he could harass the hot new secretary. He was glad Sam couldn't read his mind right now, he could just imagine the bitch-facing lecture he would get if he Sam knew he was seriously pondering the right and wrong of jamming a demon into the guard’s body, _shooting him in the goddamn face_ , and then ganking him because the body wouldn't survive exorcism, and it would essentially be a mercy killing. 

‘You're not going to shoot him Dean’ Sam said without looking up. 

Frigging Sam, _how did he...?_ ‘So what you're reading minds now too? Did you're psychic crap come back and get an upgrade or something?’

‘No jackass, I just know you too well, now quit thinking about murder and concentrate on the job. You’re supposed to be making your rounds soon remember, instead you're down here spying on Cas when no one asked you to. He's one middle-aged human Dean, and if what happened yesterday is any indication Cas can still more than hold her own with or without powers, she kicked your ass all over the panic room when snuck her down there insisting on sparring with her, but that’s what you get for dressing her in spandex and being too busy ogling her to block a single blow, you're damn lucky she still healed you even when I found out what you were up to and begged her not to, or your face would still look like a piñatas ass, _and you'd frigging deserve it’._

Dean's eyes slid shut ‘how many times Sam, I was _helping’._

‘Yeah I suppose that’s why she was in her underwear and your T-shirt’. 

‘Well I didn’t buy her anything to spa in-

‘-You would have if you were thinking with the brain in your head-

‘-and all my stuff is way to big so that was the best I could do’. 

‘No I think naked was the best you could do, lucky for her she's not an idiot and would never have fallen for whatever you would have said to try to convince her that naked sparring was the only way. As it is she's lucky she didn’t understand that the only reason you taught her how to full nelson that guard to death if she has to is so you could teach her a move that lets you rub all over her like some kind of creepy six-foot cat in heat’.

‘Sam how many times, I was _helping_ ’.

‘SHUT UP, anyone could see you were even enjoying it, well up until she reversed it and damn near choked you out because you were too busy perving to say uncle’.

Dean sighed, ‘Do you have a point Sam?’

‘Yeah, she doesn’t need your particular brand of perverted help. _Now would you just go already’_ because frankly you're making an ass of yourself, _again’_.

‘Jeeze Sammy, what is it with you and that, I’m just looking out for a friend, a guy can’t look out for a friend?’.

‘Oh so we’re just glossing over the bit where you were caught slobbering all over your **_friend_** in the middle of a dance floor, in the middle of a mission, in front of all onlookers, _just a few days ago!’_

‘…We have a bond Sam, Deal with it’.’

‘Unbelievable’ Sam muttered under his breath. 

‘You know what Sam one day you're going to-

‘What? fall in lust with a gender swapped Angel who happens to be one of my best friends, yeah no I don’t think so’.

‘You know what screw you Sam, I’m going through something here, beats me if I know what, but it wouldn’t kill you to be supportive’.

‘In this case Dean I think it might, because there’s no way in hell I’m supporting your creepy quest to dress up our best friend as a Barbie Doll so you can get some sideshow images for that porn-database in your head you like to call a brain’.

‘I suppose that’s a strong insult in nerd-speak, but I already told you I don’t speak dork-anease; and you know what else, _forget you Sam_ , when you grow up and start thinking about girls and it starts giving you tingles in special private places, then you might understand’.

Sam sighed, closed his laptop, and stared at his brother, ‘Dean I have to be in this parking lot because I need to be close to that guard’s terminal to piggy bank off its Wi-Fi connection and remote access the system. Standing around in a parking lot with a computer and no car is obviously going to look suspicious so I have to be in a car, that doesn’t make this a steak out, you don’t need to be down here at all so using the excuse that this is your car to hang out here and spy on Cas, this thing with the guard is making you crazy, now go back to your damn post, _before you blow the entire mission’._

‘I’m not going to blow the mission Sam I want Cas to get all her mojo back’.

‘Yeah but not her body’.

‘It’s not her body Sam it’s _Jimmy’s_ body; why does she have to be married to it? this new meat suit is soul free she told us, and wearing Jimmy-the-mooks meat was bumming her out because she lost his soul, what happened wasn’t her fault, she doesn’t need to be dealing with all that right now, it’s better if she stays the way she is’.

‘For her or for you?’

‘I want what’s best for Cas Sam, and if this new body is best I’m going to support that’.

‘Unbelievable. Would you just get back to the job already?’

‘I’m doing the job Sam, I’m protecting Cas so I’m not going anywhere until she’s safely in the elevator, are you forgetting what happened yesterday when that jerk chased her to the elevator? He cornered her in there, all up in her face, trying to get her to go out with him again, he’s damn lucky she pushed him back and closed the elevator doors in his face before I had a chance to kneecap him, _which he would have deserved, **I still don’t know why you stopped me’**_ **.**

‘Really Dean? You don’t know why I stopped you shooting a man in broad daylight?’

‘Okay she’s in and the guard just saved himself a ruptured spleen by gunshot, good for him. Now I can take the security entrance and make it back to her office before her’.

‘That’s not your damn post Dean! What is wrong with you? Cas doesn’t need you skulking around spying on her like she can’t handle a simple mission, You’re so blinded by her new look you keep forgetting Cas is a warrior class Angel with thousands of years of battle experience what makes you think she can’t handle pretending to be a secretary for a few days?’

‘Sam this isn’t a battle, and even on point Cas doesn’t understand people, with her Mojo on the Fritz she could be vulnerable, so I have to patrol her floor to make sure she gets there safely and keep an eye on that boss of hers who’s keeps making smart ass comments about how ‘stunning her shoes are, like I don’t know his only interest in her shoes is how they’d look with her legs wrapped around his-’.

‘-Dean you’re confusing the word patrol with the word stalking, and her Boss was probably mentioning her shoes because he was suspicious’. 

‘What?’ 

‘You're kidding right! I thought you said you had been watching her, even I noticed people all over her floor have been flocking around her shoes like fresh doughnuts in a coffee shop, haven’t you wondered why?’ 

‘Huh?’

‘Dean your damn dress-up Barbie Doll fetish has her wearing sixteen hundred dollar shoes to work when she's supposedly just a temp, _of course it looks suspicious_ , I could have kicked your ass when I realised, talk about a red flag that says someone’s not who their pretending to be, what temp could afford those? but it’s too late now then everyone’s already seen them, then theirs the ridiculously priced designer dresses, I had to think of a way for her to explain it without drawing any more attention so I just told her to say she used to be married and had to go back to work, implying she’s a former trophy wife who didn’t come out too well in the divorce, the cover story seems to be working and for the most part people empathise and stop asking questions’. 

Dean's mouth fell open, ‘you told Cas to let people think she was some rich jerks cast off!’

‘I wouldn’t have had too if you weren’t such a freak-

‘-Wait, those shoes cost _how much?’_

‘Asks the idiot that bought Manolo Frigging Blahnicks’.

‘The credit card we hacked was black unlimited, so it's not like I cared, rich people, seriously, so freaking weird, what kind of idiot spends what could easily be a down payment and a car on strappy little shoes?!’

‘Um _you_ ’.

‘I don’t know shoes Sam, I just chose them because they were with the dress _and_ they were sexy as hell on Cas, I didn’t know they were a big frigging deal’.

‘If you say so Imelda’.

‘Who?’

‘Look it up; _now go back to work_ ’.

‘Oh I'm going; it doesn’t even smell like Cas down here anymore’.

‘Wow, you do realise you said that out loud right?’ 

Dean's raised brow open mouthed expression said he actually didn’t. ‘Dean, seriously, what is _actually_ **_wrong_** with you?’

Dean slammed the van door shut while childishly telling Sam to sit and spin as Sam shook his head in disbelief 

_Dean was losing it, **big time**!’_


	19. To Bang Or Not To Bang, That Is The Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi; something went seriously wrong and the previous chapter got deleted! Please forgive! and please read it because it all makes a lot more sense that way, thanks!
> 
> ** curiobi **@ ~.~@** **
> 
> # 

All things considered, it had been a good day. Yes, he almost ganked a security guard right in his lecherous face, but he had exercised more restraint than the bastard deserved and grudgingly let him live-  _not least of all to shut Sam up about his supposed jealousy!_

Anyway, if not killing a man who clearly deserved it and (according to Sam in full-on nerd mode) “expertly hacking an untraceable back-door” into the security system was considered a win, _then mission accomplished-_ so he thoroughly deserved every bit of the jumbo platter he was currently stuffing into his face despite Sam saying he was "just trying to eat his feelings",  _as frigging if_! He wasn't some emo dweeb pining away over a chick he couldn’t have. In fact, if Sam said one more word about his "Cas problem", he was going to drop kick his yeti ass from here to Venezuela! -  _see if that didn’t shut him the hell up!_

‘Dean?’

‘Yeah babe- er I mean Cas’. 

‘Dean, you're confusing porn with reality,  _again_ ; you see in  _reality_  Cas is not actually your girlfriend'.

‘Sam shut the hell up-  _and gimme those damn fries’._

‘They're my fries asshole, _why the hell should I?’_

‘Because you're a salad eating, emo sasquatch who mostly eats pureed leaves and junk’.

‘What!’

‘You don’t need them, I do, I'm starving over here,  _so fork them over jerk-face’._

‘ _How the hell can you be starving_?! You just frigging  _inhaled_  a double bacon cheeseburger with a fried egg on top, a platter of fries, and two beers!

‘Yeah you're right, enough with the dinner, it’s time for dessert, I'm thinking massive serving of pie’.

‘I'm thinking massive coronary before it even gets here’.

‘Yeah, well, I'm thinking you should drink your stupid leaf smoothie and shut your damn face’.

‘It’s a  _beer_  Dean, I had a salad shake at lunch-

‘-Sam, Dean,  _please_ ’.

‘Er sorry Cas’.

‘Yeah, sorry- just trying to stop Dean from eating his body weight in saturated fats _in the one sitting_ ’.

‘You know what, for Cas’s sake I'm not gonna respond to that’.

‘You misunderstand. Your incessant childish bickering has actually become a kind of familiar background noise that provides unexpected comfort in this strange and difficult time’.

Dean's brows rose … 'urm... you're welcome?’

‘I was trying to regain your attention because I have a question for you Dean’.

‘Oh yeah before Sam opened his big mouth and interrupted you were about to say something to me' -Dean held up his hand as Sam opened his mouth- 'so what’s the question? -one minute Cas- ‘Yeah honey’, Dean smiled at the waitress who had come over to ask if they wanted anything else, ‘can I get a double, no make that a triple helping of cherry pie and another couple of beers over here, thanks- So Cas what did-

‘-Dean, even for you this is _ridiculous’_. Sam's eyes narrowed, ‘You should have yourself checked because you probably have a worm or something and judging by your diet it’s probably obese, diabetic,  _and clearly alcoholic’._

‘You done? -oh here it is! Thanks honey’, Dean beamed at the returning waitress, ‘you are getting a generous tip for bringing this so quickly- Sam _shut up_ ’.

‘I didn’t even say anything!’

‘Oh you were thinking it! I mean can I just for once enjoy my beer and pie without your hippie, salad-drinking judgement?’

‘ _Who the hell are you calling a hippie Dean_!’

‘I don’t know Sam, who’s the damn long-hair sitting across from me running his mouth-

‘-Dean do you think it would be best if we copulated?’

Sam spit out his beer in a magnificent spray that arched across the table and coated Dean's shocked face as Dean stared at Cas beer paused midway to his mouth’.

‘Dude sorry’ Sam gasped ‘did not mean to do that. Cas _what the hell_?’

‘Stay out of this Sam!’ Dean snapped, ‘Cas…  ** _what the hell_** _?_ _! What are you saying?’_

‘I am asking you if you think we should copulate’.

‘Sam I need a moment alone with Cas’.

‘But-

‘-Sam!’

‘Okay-okay, wow’, Sam laughed. ‘look I'm just gonna grab these fries to go, the motel isn’t far away so you can explain to Cas how that’s _never_ gonna happen on the walk back okay?’

Dean glared at Sam who was grabbing the keys to the impala and gritted his teeth as he could practically hear the damn sasquatch laughing all the way to the parking lot.

Dean wiped beer off his face and the table, ‘Cas why the hell would you even ask me that?’

‘I believe it is a perfectly reasonable question given the circumstances. Today you were distracted when you became tumescent against your will; this is dangerous because it impedes your mental ability to think rationally and your physical ability to run’.

‘Getting a boner is no big deal Cas _, would you quit acting like it’s a damn disability!_ Just because you got all weird the one time that porno-

‘- _That was not because of me Dean_ , that was Jimmy, I believe he has a um... fetish for disciplinary-

‘-Yeah, not so sure about that Cas'.

‘Why do you say this?’

‘Ever think that maybe you should have read the manual before you jumped in and started wearing Jimmy like a unitard'.

‘I didn’t- he _consented_

‘-Yeah, sure, look was Jimmy anywhere near the driver’s seat at that point? Come to think of it was he even around? I thought-

‘- _Sense memory_ , sometimes a vessel can-

‘-Oh my god _you're reaching_ ,’.

‘I am not!’

‘Urm hum, let’s just say I’ve known you for a long time and I’ve met Jimmy the mook, and if I had to guess which one of the two of you was hiding a kinky side I’d say it was you not him… of course now you're a chick that’s just _awesome’._

‘Dean this is… _we have more pressing matters to discuss’_.

‘Like hell!’

‘Dean!’

‘Alright, alright listen just because you didn’t know what to do when it happened to you, most awkward conversation of my life by the way, Cas _so thanks for that’_.

‘Well you're suggestion of vigorous self-abuse to relive-

_‘-What happened to the never talking about it again Cas!’_

‘I am just saying it was of little use because it came back again when I thought about why it happened in the first place’.

Dean sighed and rolled his eyes, ‘yeah Cas _that’s how it works_ , its like… shaving it grows back and you shave it off again, well boners pop up, you deal with it and-

‘-I begin to realise now why it takes up so much of your time’.

‘I'm gonna pretend you're talking about shaving _because we are so not having this conversation Cas, especially after what you told beehive about me back at the clothing store,_ did it ever occur to you that I might not want you broadcasting how good a relationship I have with my own right hand all over town?'

‘You have never once acted like you were ashamed of it, quite the reverse-

'- _Not the issue Cas. What I'm not ashamed of doing in the privacy of my own motel room is not up for discussion with the general public-_ **Now no more talking about it!'**

'But we _must_ discuss it Dean'.

‘Jesus Cas, **_Why_**?’

‘Because I am trying to explain that I know from personal experience that such acts are not effective in solving the problem in the long term, it is a temporary yet time-consuming measure-

‘-Time consuming, what in the hell were you doing? You know what if it’s about your dude body _don’t answer_. I'm just saying a few tugs before bed and It’s over, it’s no big deal Cas. I mean I don’t know what the hell you were doing to yourself and I don’t wanna know, but normal dudes who were born in normal dude bodies can get boners and still lead fulfilling lives, because guess what _it’s_ _normal_ Cas; and as you just  _had_  to point out the other day, you know when you were rubbing against me dancing and got me all hard, it happens frequently around you, point is I survived, _because it's not actually life threatening! S_ o what’s the real problem here, why do you suddenly think we have to do something about it now?’

‘Well apparently you believe if you… _nail_ this altered version of my vessel a few times you will, um,  _bang me out of your system’_.

‘Hey, I didn’t mean, I was just wondering if… jeeze Cas, its sounds real sleazy when you say it like that,  _you have **got**  to stay out of my head!'_

‘Dean you know I am not reading your thoughts on purpose they just come to me as clearly as you are speaking to me now’.

‘ _Oh this is just peachy’_ Dean huffed, ‘Isn't there any way you can just make it stop, I mean have you _tried_?’

‘There does not seem to be any way to make it stop, this new vessel is attuned to thoughts you are projecting and ones just below the surface. If it is any consolation I still have to look beneath the surface to access your subconscious or enter your dreams’.

‘So I _can_ keep at least keep  _some_ of my damn thoughts to myself?’

‘It is more accurate to say those thoughts that are hidden from your conscious and rational mind are not readily available to me without probing’.

‘First off, _do not_ say probing Cas! Second, all that means is you can read everything and even the stuff I don’t know I'm thinking about without really trying?’

‘...Put like that, I realise it may, in fact, be of no consolation. I am sorry Dean’.

‘Dean sighed. '...Well guess we just have to try and deal with it until we can fix it. Just promise me you’ll try to stop saying what I'm thinking, especially in front of Sam and Bobby, there already on my ass where you're concerned as it is’.

‘I will try Dean’.

_God that voice_

‘…I am  _speaking_  Dean’ Cas rasped, ‘I do not understand why you think I am "rasping sexily in a smoking hot way" … I am not even entirely sure what that means or if this so-called rasping can be sexy, and even if it can,  _I do not rasp, or **husk** ,_ my voice is exactly the same-

‘No way! That gravelly dude-Cas voice is nothing like how you sound now _trust me’_.

‘So you are saying my former voice did not sexually arouse you?’

‘No, Jesus Cas,  _gimme a break!’_

‘But you see this is what I am talking about’.

‘Come again?’

‘My former vessel did not have the same effect on you’.

Dean sighed, ‘that’s because  _Sammy_  is the gay one, not me’.

‘Being attracted to my former vessel would not mean you were homosexual Dean’.

‘Er, I think that’s exactly what it would mean’.

‘But I have no gender’.

‘You can keep saying that Cas but from where I sit that doesn’t mean a damn thing’.

‘Because you are attracted to this vessel, meaning that it is just the body, it is not me the celestial being that resides in this body that-

‘-Whoa, whoa _I'm not sure I like where this is heading_ ’.

‘If it is just about this body then what I am suggesting makes sense. You have convinced yourself that I am dispersing some kind of irresistible scent that is driving you and other susceptible males like the guard to abandon good sense, making it impossible for you to perform your jobs unless you achieve sexual congress; however  as a non-corporal celestial being, lacking pheromones this is not something I am capable of, yet you are convinced and you react accordingly; so unless you are being driven clinically insane for no apparent reason, this body must be emitting some kind of pheromone or stimulant correct?’

_When she said it out loud like that it sounded ridiculous, and he'd been so sure that’s what it was yesterday, in fact, he'd started feeling better since he knew her effect on him wasn’t his fault… **now he just felt like an idiot**_

‘There is no need for you to feel like an imbecile Dean’.

‘Gee thanks Cas, when you read my mind against my will and say it like that  _there's no way I could feel like a jackass or anything'._

‘You are welcome Dean’.

**_Oh dear god_ **

‘Why are you blaspheming?’

Dean sighed, ‘nothing, sorry; but I still don’t get what you are trying to say Cas’.

‘I possessed Jimmy's young daughter, I know what it feels like to be within a vessel that is an acceptable alternative rather than the true vessel’.

‘So you're saying… _no, I got nothing’_.

‘I am trying to explain to you that this is Jimmy Novak's body you see before you Dean, this _is_ my true vessel, altering the chromosome to change male to female apparently does not change that. However, it is not without its effects. I have had difficulty controlling my mojo as you call it in this form because it's molecular structure is unfamiliar to me; moreover, I am unsure as yet of what other effects there are, meaning it could be possible that this alteration to my vessel has some effect on you, my charge, that the other did not because your soul and my grace are intertwined’.

‘ _They're what now_?’

‘When I raised you from perdition-

‘-This again. I know Cas, you got all handsy and branded me', Dean's voice lowered, ‘then you carved your mark into my ribs… I never thought about it before but you really have put your coat on me haven't you, and looking at you right now, I gotta say,  _I kinda like it_ ’.

Castiel looked thoroughly confused, ‘I have never… placed my coat upon you’.

Dean signed, ‘Not what that that means Cas’.

‘Well, the only coat I ever had was Jimmy's and I certainly did not put that on you as you have made it clear on several occasions that you dislike it’.

‘Putting your coat on something means you claimed it’.

‘Well, you are my charge so I suppose that could be an accurate description of the situation between you, me, and your brother’.

‘You can stop right there, you put your coat on  _me_  not him, you got that?’

‘…I feel I am missing something… Cas stared at him for a moment, ‘oh I see, you are putting a sexual connotation on my raising you from perdition, Dean I would be remiss if I did not tell you that even thinking such a thing borders on the blasphemous-

‘-And I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you I don’t give a damn’.

Cas sighed. ‘Dean, why this sudden hatred of Jimmy’s coat. You did not dislike it on the male version of this vessel, in fact you associated it with me, right now you dislike it to such an extent you rejoiced when that bee-hived woman threw it away, it is fortunate I was able to retrieve it before it was incinerated at some kind of waste processing facility’.

‘Wait You got that damn thing back! Why the hell did you waste precious mojo doing that? I bet you wasted more good mojo washing the stench out of it and have been secretly wearing it at night like some kind of weirdo-  _and Sam thinks I'm the one with the fetish..._ having said that if you're wearing it with nothing underneath, like that time we took you shopping, then yeah _I could get behind that-_

‘-You're thoughts are making my point Dean, you are thinking about intercourse in what can only be described as an animalistic position-

‘-That’s just because I said I could get behind… and my mind just… Please stop saying what I'm thinking out loud! It makes it sound worse than it is when you spell it out! … Listen it’s been scientifically proven that men think about sex every 6 seconds or something; whatever,  _it's normal_ , what do you expect if you start talking about wearing nothing but a trench coat to bed-

‘Actually, you were the one that-

‘-Never mind! Dean hissed… ‘and believe me, we’re gonna circle back to your damn coat-fetish thing. But right now are you trying to tell me that you don’t know if you're accidently roofie-ing me?’.

‘I would not put it in quite those terms Dean, but yes I am unsure what this effect you describe is, other than to say that I see the effect as the red haze in your mind I described before and it seems to be accelerating rather than dissipating with prolonged contact, so if the only way is to-

‘-No’. Dean snapped.

‘… Why are you angered?’

‘Why am I- Jesus Cas, you just don’t get it do you? You don’t… _you can't just offer me the pity roll in the sack like it's nothing Cas!_  You and me we’re more than that, it's too complicated, we can't just-

‘-But

‘-What if it makes it worse Cas, did you think about that?

…'You do not believe it could get any worse you have said so in your mind over and over’.

‘Well believe me Cas, as the only non-virgin at this booth, let me tell you I have never heard of sex un-complicating a tricky situation where all kinds of feelings and history are involved no, _those_  situations sex makes a whole lot more complicated, trust me’.

‘I do trust you Dean, and if you really believe I am doing this to you… I just want to help’.

‘Cas believe me, you offering to toss me a bone does not help in this situation’.

‘But why? It seems like the only logical solution’.

Dean leant forward his green eyes blazing ‘Because you have no idea how close I am too’ … Dean took a breath looked around to make sure he hadn’t drawn any attention to them, then leant back with his arm across the back of his booth in the old fashioned diner staring at Cas and frowning, ‘Cas’ Dean's voice was quiet his tone serious ‘do you _really_ think you're doing something to me without meaning too… because frankly, that would explain a lot’.

‘I do not believe I am doing anything to you; however, your actions-

‘Cas look at me’.

Dean caught her gaze where she was staring at the table and locked eyes with her until they were sitting across staring into each other’s eyes. ‘Cas are you deliberately messing with me yes or no?’

‘No! I would never-

‘-Then you have nothing to worry or feel guilty about, and you certainly don’t have to play the damn martyr sacrificing your body to what you think I need. You clearly have no idea what I need from you Cas, because it isn’t and never has been a meaningless roll in the hay. You mean more to me than that and since you can read my mind _you damn well know it,_ so unless you want me, and I mean truly want  _me_ , don’t ever mention this again, do you understand?’

‘Yes Dean’.

Dean placed money on the table, and took in her crestfallen expression and realised he might have been too harsh. ‘Look let’s just forget about it okay, sometimes I forget how little you really understand human feelings, and I guess me and Sam are the humans you spend the most time with, and neither of us is exactly the poster child for normal so… You know what, how about we do something normal for a change. Let's say you and me try pretending to enjoy walking back to the Motel, you know just taking a nice stroll together after, dinner like regular jack-offs do. Sam took the car, probably because of that whole 2 for 2 on nailing Angels in the back seat fantasy thing- not that I still think that of course, anyway, so um walking sure beats you wasting mojo zapping us, lemme just get this pie to go and we can walk back together, just a normal super handsome dude, and a former dude who is now a ridiculously hot chick, what could be more normal than that?- besides chicks dig all that long walks in the moonlight junk am I right?’.

‘But it is still sunny outside, and the distance can hardly be considered long as it is less than-

‘-Never mind, the point is if we’re lucky we might get back to the motel in time to catch Sam using his ladies’ hairspray to get that perfect windswept Liberace hairdo while singing beauty school drop-out in a pair of pink panties’.

Cas stared at him blankly and Dean sighed, ‘fine let’s get back before Sam starts getting his beehive and his panties in a twist wondering what kind of liberties I'm trying to take with you behind his back’.

#  ** **************** **

‘About time’, Sam snapped, his eyes narrowing suspiciously, ‘what the hell took you? How long does it really take to say I appreciate the offer but hell no _because Sam and Bobby would shoot me in the ass for taking advantage?’_

‘Shut up Sam, we had to talk-

‘What’s there to talk about? I get that you were probably spending all that time trying to figure out how you could do it, and swear Cas to secrecy so me and Bobby wouldn’t find out about it, _well you can forget it asshat!_ I’d know just by looking at you, so you can just keep your ideas about taking advantage of Cas to the constant porno running in your head pervert, because there’s no way I'm gonna let you-

‘-Sam.

The tone of Dean's voice made Sam stop. Clearly, Castiel's misguided attempt at friends with benefits had not gone down well… If he didn’t know better he would think Dean was actually pissed off at the whole idea, even though he had been openly salivating over Cas like a bloodhound on Viagra since he changed into a woman … but that could only mean… Dean wanted more than sex. Bobby was right, _Dean really did have cupids foot shoved up his ass_ … unfortunately, in their world that could be literal instead of just a figure of speech, and if it was literal _there was just no way it could be a good thing_.


	20. We All Scream For Ice-Cream

Sam pulled up at the stop sign deciding from now on Dean was either riding shotgun, or better yet driving his own damn car instead of forcing him to so he could sit in the back with Cas, which was making it near impossible for him to drive with having to glance in the rear view mirror every three seconds to make sure Dean wasn’t doing anything weird.

His latest glance found Dean playing with a lock of Castiel's hair and he couldn’t decide which was creepier, Dean toying with one of her long curls like a freak with a hair fetish, or the fact he looked like he couldn’t help himself, it was almost like some kind of childish fascination was compelling him to twist the long curl around his thumb while he stared at it.

The problem was Dean was pretty far off from a small kid innocently playing with a lady’s long hair because it was something to mess with, there was nothing about this that was innocent, and cute sure as hell didn’t describe it, in fact, it was downright disturbing as Dean started rubbing the curl between his thumb and index finger as if fascinated by the texture. He cleared his throat loudly as Dean actually started rubbing it on his face, what the- was Dean actually sniffing Castiel's hair?! _What the hell was wrong with him?_

He was about to let him have it when the lights changed and he was forced to return his attention to the road. The traffic barely shuffled along in the gridlock and they didn't even clear the lights. He was about to tell Dean to knock it off when Cas murmured ‘I assure you I have not put any kind of sexual stimulant in this vessels hair Dean, I have no idea how I would even do that, much less why’.

‘Just ignore what he's thinking Cas’ Sam snapped ‘I hate to break it to you, but Dean isn't playing with a full deck where you're concerned’.

‘A full deck of what?’

‘Cards’.

‘Oh… but why are cards-

‘-Never mind Cas, just know you _do not_ have to put up with him pawing your hair’.

‘It seemed to bring him comfort so I allowed it, -then it seemed to arouse him in short succession. I do not understand how or why’.

‘Who would. I'm telling you, not a full deck’.

‘Sam would you shut up’ Dean hissed. ‘Cas I wasn’t thinking your hair smells sexy or anything, cus' err, that would be weird’.

‘Yes, I thought it made little sense, -while human hair can retain pheromones to a certain extent, I do not believe the chemical receptors in this vessel’s follicles either retain or emit pheromones in significant enough quantities to warrant the beginnings of the red haze I saw in your mind’.

‘The red **_what_**? Dean what the hell is she talking about?’.

‘Beats me’, Dean lied.

‘… Have I misunderstood your thoughts Dean?’

‘Yeah, got it all wrong’ Dean murmured.

‘Yeah right’ Sam sneered as the lights changed again forcing him to turn his attention back to the road. He almost took a wrong turn before remembering Dean had relocated them to a pricey Inn they could barely afford after insisting Cas deserved better than "a crappy motel room". He might have actually believed Dean if he hadn’t been quite so crushed when he booked Cas a room for herself over his self-serving objection that Cas should share a room with him for her safety.

He glanced at Dean in the rear view mirror to find he was once again lost in playing with Castiel's hair while she seemed lost in trying to figure out why he was doing it.

 _Bobby was right, they had to stop thinking in terms of **what** was wrong with him and just accept that something clearly was **and find a way to fix him,** before his behaviour made them shoot and or strangle him. _  
_Then there was the thing where Cas could decide she’d finally had enough and smite his lecherous ass._  
_I_ _n reality, the worst he and Bobby would do to Dean was administer a painful but nonetheless non-lethal ass kicking before shoving his ass in the panic room for his own good while they figured out how to fix him._  
_Cas on the other hand could disintegrate him without even trying, and just because she was allowing him to get away with behaving like an ass now, didn’t mean Dean wouldn’t be the victim of the terrifying displays of Angelic rage they had seen from Cas in the past if he kept pushing it, and it wasn’t like Cas had full control of her power -and by extension her terrifying Angelic rage- right now. Bottom line, the situation was a powder keg and his idiot brother was too cupid-drunk to realise he was playing with a lit fuse._

‘Cas we should celebrate the mission progress’.

_What was this now? Dean had been lost in playing with Castiel's hair like a freak and hadn’t said a damn thing worth a lick of sense since they got in the car, and now he wanted to celebrate?’_

‘But you are constantly lamenting the lack of progress, I do not understand how this warrants a celebration’.

Sam glanced in the rear view mirror, grinding his teeth at the ridiculous fake smile he saw plastered all over Dean's face _. What the hell was Dean up to? Cas was right, Dean had done nothing but bitch about how slow the mission was going, and how dead the security guard was for ogling Cas, all the while skulking in the shadows also ogling Cas, so what was all this talk about celebrating? – and if his stupid fake smile got any wider **he was going to pull something**._

‘And do you know what a celebration calls for?’ Dean went on as if Cas hadn’t spoken.

‘Somehow I don’t think she wants beer and strippers’ Sam snapped glaring at Dean in the rear view mirror.

‘Shut up and keep your eyes on the road’ Dean hissed through clenched teeth while still trying to smile at Cas. ‘A celebration calls for ice-cream, on a cone… _dripping_ … um- hey Cas, I've got an idea, why don’t we get some Ice-cream?’

‘This vessel does not require food Dean’.

Sam glanced at Dean noticing the way the perverted gleam in his eyes intensified. _Something wasn’t right here, why was Dean suddenly all fake smile, and perv-faced? -and since when did Dean want ice-cream if it didn’t come with pie, beer, and a scantily clad waitress?_

‘Come on Cas, you can eat if you want to right?’

‘Yes, but it is unnecessary-

‘-But Ice-cream is the great leveller Cas, everyone loves it, rich jerks, regular slobs, kids, grandma, everybody, even the lactose intolerant, you wanna know why? -Because it’s _awesome_ Cas, one of the best parts of the whole human experience thing, you need to try it, and dripping from the cone is best, none of this in a paper cup with a spoon crap, what you have to do is lick-

‘-Oh my god!’ Sam erupted incredulously, ‘are you 12?! _You actually want to buy her an ice-cream cone so you can get your pervert rocks off_ \- _What the hell! While I'm driving! **Did you Seriously just do that?!** ’_

Dean tried to cover up his reckless kicking of the driver’s seat by putting his arm around Cas and carrying on as if nothing had happened. ‘Say, I know an awesome stand nearby, best ice-cream in the state, what’s say I buy you a cone, hmm, my treat?’

‘Like hell I'm stopping the car for that!’ Sam snapped.

‘Dean why are you humming highway to hell in your mind?’.

‘No reason Cas’. Dean smiled as Sam glared at him ‘just you know, got a song stuck in my head’.

‘So that saying is literal?’

‘Yeah, sure, -um lucky for me it's a classic’.

‘It’s also appropriate’ Sam hissed murderously, ‘what better song for your juvenile, blasphemous, douche-baggary’.

 _‘Stop interfering’_ Dean hissed back through clenched teeth, his fake smile strained as his eyes locked with Sam's for a moment in the rear view mirror. ‘We agreed to help Cas fit into her new role as a woman, well, newsflash Sammy, _chicks dig ice-cream’._

‘Oh cut the crap Dean, you don’t want her to try it because you actually believe it’s some human rite of passage, this is all because you’re a damn perv-

‘-Huh! Shows what you know Sammy, because 1, it’s damned un-American to not like Ice-cream, I mean, what the hell would pie be if you couldn’t get it a-la-mode, every once in a while, huh? And 2, believe me if aliens landed tomorrow -and given the wall of weird that is our lives they just might- I will be the first one offering them pie, beer, _and ice-cream, and if they don’t like at least two out of the three **they can just get the hell off my planet!'**_

Sam's mouth hung open in shock.  _He_ _knew that tone, Dean was preaching the gospel according to Dean Winchester, and worse, Cas who was staring at him the way she did when trying to understand what she had read from his thoughts, was apparently mistaking the **sincerity**  of his dumb-ass beliefs for actual facts. _

‘Dean, just because you're crazy enough to actually believe what you're saying doesn’t mean-

‘- _No one asked you Sam_ , Cas knows I’m just trying to help’.

‘Oh yeah, like you were _helping_ when you bought her a metric ton of overpriced, undersized panties, or when you maxed out a supposedly unlimited hacked credit card bribing the shop assistant into dressing her up for you, so you could get your creepy, Barbie doll fetish rocks off, and let’s not forget the thing with you painting her face!’

 _‘Lipstick_ Sam, I was just helping her put on make-up, you and Bobby have got to stop making it seem like it was something weird’.

‘Oh, **_we’re_** the ones that are making things weird?! And what you're just an innocent make-up girl trying to help a sister out? _You were getting your damn pervert jollies painting her lips, **and you know it!** _ What's next freak-show? -getting in the bath with her so you can shave her legs and keep the hair?’

‘What the hell Sam! I think that idea says more about you than it does about me, and if its lady shaving tips then that would be your department _since you're a girl_ , **but** until you _finally_ get the operation to turn your dude junk into the lady parts that will finally make you feel like the woman you were always meant to be; _stay away from Cas if she's shaving her legs in the tub;_ she doesn't want or need a gender misidentified sasquatch looming over her with feminine grooming tips’.

‘Please stop disagreeing’ Cas rasped, ‘if it helps, I have not shaved anything since being forcibly consigned to this new vessel, nor do I intend to’.

‘Interesting’ Dean drawled his eyes widening.

‘No it isn't’ Sam snapped irritably, noting how Dean's eyes lit like some kind of perverted Christmas tree _with a Santa fetish_.

‘Is this yet _another_ special requirement for this new vessel? I did not think hair growth of import since this female vessel is unlikely to sprout facial hair like the “peach fuzz” as you called it that grew and obscured half my former face in purgatory. I did not care for it, and could not understand why you called it nice, especially when you clearly preferred my face with it removed.

‘Can’t argue with that Cas, and the same principle applies, a clean shave down there prevents hair obscuring-

‘-Dean if you finish that sentence _I swear I’m going to stop this car, drag you out of it, **and ram it up your ass!**_ ** _’_**

'Sam what the hell is wrong with you? Who threatens to shove a car up a man’s ass! -This is what I get for trying to help, I'm just trying to tell her there are options. She doesn't _have_ to shave it off, she could wax instead, it’s quicker and lasts longer’.

‘Oh really, how do you know that? are you a secret waxer Dean?’

‘No that would be you, Sammy’.

‘You know what Dean-

‘-I do not understand’ Cas rasped ‘What does beeswax have to do with personal grooming?’

‘Glad you asked, it’s called a _Brazilian_ Cas and it's _awesome’._

‘What does the nation of-

‘Brazil is the _awesome_ country, that gave the world the **_gift_** of the landing strip, which believe me Cas is a thing of beauty’.

‘...I fail to see how _landing aircraft_ is relevant to this conversation, nothing you are saying makes any sense’.

Cas turned her head to look directly into his eyes and Dean felt like his entire body was going up in flames, their faces were only inches apart, and he was helplessly leaning in, closing the distance between their lips…

‘ **DEAN**!’ Sam barked-

‘-Oh I see’ Cas murmured, turning her head away, as if it was nothing, but to her it probably was nothing, she clearly wasn’t helplessly mesmerised like him, she wasn’t going up in flames, being driven frigging crazy, _she wasn’t damn hard **again**. _

‘There is nothing that could be construed as arousing currently occurring, yet you have once again become tumes-

‘-Don’t say it’ Dean hissed, because he could just _feel_ Sam glaring at him, but thankfully, once again that was just the proverbial bucket of ice he needed.

‘Well aside from your litany of complaints about your becoming tumescent once again, I was able to draw images from your mind that-

‘-Dean’ Sam growled _, ‘I'm sick of asking what the hell is wrong with you, are you really so much of a horn-dog, you can't-_

‘-You wanna talk cars up asses Sam? Huh? _Then_ _Keep pushing me_ , **I'm going through something here!** ’.

‘Yeah, a complete metamorphosis into Kansas’ answer to Benny hill’.

‘-Dean, I am trying to understand what you were picturing, it now seems to be scantily clad females running in short lines and circles, therefore never hoping to actually escape the possibly deranged male chasing them, combined with your previous thoughts about what appears to be a bizarre human grooming ritual involving melted wax, strips of material, and what appears to be considerable force to rip hair from skin for no apparent reason’.

‘One minute Cas. First of all Benny Hill is a classic Sam’.

‘If you're emotionally stunted and don't know how to view a woman as a whole person maybe’.

‘Question and follow up; is all the hate because you secretly want to be one of those buxom ladies running around? And how the hell do you even know about Benny Hill?'

‘I'm not going to dignify the first question and I know about it because I saw you watching some Benny Hill video when I was 13’.

‘Watching from the shadows were you, who's the creepy lurker now Sam?’

‘Still you Dean’.

‘Bet you sprained your wrist after. Well, you're welcome’.

‘Yeah, no, it didn’t work for me at all, I just thought it was stupid, _because it is’_.

‘Would you have liked it better if it was nearly naked dudes running around?’

‘No, still stupid’.

‘You know; I think this explains your fetish for British accents’.

‘What! I don't have a fetish for-

‘-No? Bella _literally_ shot you and you were _still_ drooling over her in your sleep’.

‘No, I mean, that was just-

‘-You, having a hard on, for a bad ass chick with a British accent, who I'm going to say it one more time _shot you, so who's the freak-show now?’_

‘Still you Dean’.

‘Oh you're gonna deny you were having sex dreams about her? _No? Good. Shut up_. Now Cas, the second thing you saw was a lady taking care of um, _the lawn_ , trust me lots of women do it and they're just fine, doesn’t hurt a bit’.

‘And how the hell do you know?' Sam sneered ‘Have you taken a bikini wax census or something?’

‘Pretty much, I have inspected enough landing strips to officially say-

‘ _-I meant how do you know it doesn’t hurt **man-whore**_ ** _’_**.

‘Oh, um- every man knows that Sam’.

‘No, they don't. Cas don’t listen to him; what men don’t know about women could fill museums’.

‘So _it is_ as bizarre and primitive as it looks?’

‘Well, personally I only tried it once’.

‘You **_what!!!’_**

‘Shut up Dean. Let’s just say never again. I can't say for sure, I mean **maybe** they have a better, more gentle procedure for women, but if not, trust me and steer clear’.

‘Oh you don’t get to drop a bomb like that without answering some questions! Like what did you have waxed anyway? I'm guessing back, crack and sac… then shoulders, arms, knuckles, uni-brow of course, and last but certainly not least, toes’.

‘It was one time in college on a dare, there were a lot of drinks involved and somebody’s girlfriend who had organic wax’ -Sam affected a bratty mean girls drawl- ‘which is like so much better than the regular junk poor people use’.

Dean snorted with laughter.

‘I should have known better, who the hell brings wax to a party? In the end, Brady, when he was still human that is, dared me to try it for a hundred bucks and just kept upping the price, next thing I know, there’s like 300 bucks on the table and this girl is slathering organic wax all over my chest. Short version, there is not enough beer in the world, it hurt like hell, I howled louder than any werewolf ever has or ever will, I think she actually drew blood, I would never consider doing it again even if I actually did have a uni-brow and hobbits feet’.

‘Hobbits? Sam Hobbits are little, you do realise you're almost 19 feet tall, and have feet the size of Ted Bunion right?’

‘I meant I don’t have hairy toes _idiot’_.

‘He does Cas. Height of a Sasquatch, toes of a hobbit, it’s weird, but such is our Sammy, he's a special one alright’.

‘Friging ass’ Sam hissed under his breath.

‘Dean, must I go through this waxing procedure, I would rather not, it seems unnecessary, and your thoughts say you are torn between the idea of the hair surrounding this new female genitalia being completely removed, partially removed, or remaining a -do I have this right- full glorious bush as nature intended that you can bury your face in-

‘-Dean!’

‘It’s not my fault if she keeps reading my damn mind aloud Sam!’

‘No, but what you're thinking about _is_ your damn fault!’

‘If I have to explain that its normal for dudes to think about er _stuff_ one more time Sam, I'm officially revoking your dude card. Not that you weren’t going to throw it in the trash anyway when you finally admit you’re a sister not a mister’.

‘Dean enough. You don’t speak for all men, you don’t even speak for most men, you are in a deviant class of your own so shut up already’.

‘I said all _dudes_ Sam, as in awesome cool dudes, not regular slobs, and if you stopped popping those dude-junk-to-lady-parts pills, you would know what I'm talking about’.

'Wait, _what?'_

‘I'm saying get the damn operation already. Look, Cas, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, besides I've seen, well glimpsed, your bush like twice now, it's pristine, you want my advice just leave it alone and if it gets _out of hand_ as it were, see what I did there huh, huh, what, nothing? Okay, if it becomes more than you can handle- seriously, nothing? Dean sighed. ‘Look, if it starts growing wild you can just trim it, _or better yet_ let an expert-

‘-Dean, if you say you could do it for her, I'm going to permanently park this car, _take a guess where_ , and frankly it would be better than you deserve for starting this damn conversation’.

‘I didn’t start it’.

‘You did’.

‘No I didn’t’.

‘Er, yeah you did,

‘No, _you_ bought up Cas shaving her legs, and _I_ was just trying to help-

‘-Shut the hell up Dean, unless you really want to get closer to your car than you ever thought possible. Look Cas, just, um, don’t worry about it, it’s really not that important’.

‘Says the Yeti’.

‘Dean! _Last warning._ Cas, if you're um curious about er grooming a female vessel, you can look up videos beauticians post on YouTube’.

‘God knows you must have liked, commented, and subscribed to a few ladies fashion YouTube channels, so be sure and give her links’.

Sam slowed the car down as if he meant to stop it, and Dean put his palms up in an - _I'm shutting up now_ gesture- when he noticed Sam looked angry enough to actually try shoving the Impala up his ass.

‘I mean not to dwell or be graphic or anything, but can't you just um mojo it away or something?’

‘And waste mojo’ Dean erupted ‘While I have two functioning hands and a razor? Over my frequently dead body-

‘-You don’t _have_ to have two functioning hands Dean’, Sam hissed furiously. ‘I have an axe in the trunk, and if I catch you trying to give Cas a Brazilian I promise you _I will use it_.’

‘Don’t get your thong in a twist’.

‘It is not’.

‘No Cas I meant Sam- wait you're _wearing a-_

‘-I am trying the different kinds of female undergarments you purchased, the label indicated this type is called a thong, so far I do not care for it as it is very… intrusive even without being twisted’.

Dean's eyes were so wide, Sam thought they might actually escape their sockets.

‘Look we are done with this conversation. Cas do what you like and never mind anything Dean says on any subject other than hunting just to be safe. And it goes without saying I was joking about the whole Dean helping with the leg shaving thing; to be clear Dean has no business being in the damn bathroom with you for any reason-

‘Hey! I thought I told you she doesn’t need your emo assistance about what she should do when she’s in the tub’.

‘Like _I'm_ the one who needs to be told that! You're the one I caught trying to frigging scrub her back for her last night asshole!’

‘She’d never taken a bubble bath before Sam, the back is a hard place to reach if you're not used to it, I was just trying to help when you came barging in-

‘-I warned you not to try anything while I was getting dinner, and what did I find!! You're lucky I all I did was drag your grabby ass outta there, because my first thought was to shove your leering face in the damn water AND SEE HOW MUCH PERVING YOU COULD DO WHILE DROWNING!’

‘-You should have tried it _asshat’_.

‘Right now, _I wish I had’_.

‘Although, it would have been quite a view, I guess there are worse ways to go’ Dean mused.

Sam slammed on the breaks ‘You know what **_that is it!_** I don’t care what cupid-inspired bullshit you're under, I've had enough, _it’s like living with a randy old goat for fucks sake_ and-

‘-Sam! Dean!’ Cas rasped.

‘What?’ they chorused.

‘It is important to me to try to understand more of the human experience so while I will have none of this waxing, I will try this Iced Cream as Dean believes it is a staple food of humanity’.

Sam sighed _, because only Dean could bullshit an Angel of the Lord into believing liking ice-cream was tantamount to pledging allegiance to the flag._

‘You hear that Sam, she _wants_ to try it, so how about you shut your pie hole and just drive the damn car to the ice-cream stand on 5 th’.

Dean grinned at Sam triumphantly and he gritted his teeth furiously, restraining the urge to kick his ass out of the car, _while accelerating!_

#  ** ******************************** **

 

‘What’ll ya have pal?’

‘Er nothing for me and a double cone for the lady. What flavour do you want Cas?’

Cas turned and fixed him with those eyes of hers which were currently blazing in the strong sunlight and he simply couldn’t speak.

‘I have no idea what any of this tastes like Dean’.

Sam glared at Dean who was just standing there staring at Cas like an idiot while the ice-cream vendor looked from Cas to Dean ‘Lady you never had ice-cream before, you grow up in one of those hippy dippy vegan homes or something? Well you’ve missed out is all I can say, but that ends here- so, how's about we start with the basics and go from there?

‘This seems logical’.

‘Er yeah’ Dean grinned finally snapping out of his self-induced trance and springing into action as he waved a twenty-dollar bill at the vendor behind Cas’s back. ‘try a little of everything Cas and see what you like’.

‘Why not try this little lady?’.

Cas tried the bit of vanilla ice cream the vendor offered her from the world's tiniest pink plastic spoon and looked blank. ‘It is… cold and it tastes overly sweet, I do not believe I care for it’.

‘Hey-hey little lady my ice cream is the best, you don't like vanilla try this’.

Cas took a mouthful of mint and frowned. ‘It is preferable to the white flavour but I still-

‘-Alright try _this_!’ the vendor practically shoved a spoonful of chocolate ice cream into her open mouth. Cas was quiet for a moment as she studied the flavour, her eyes sliding shut as she slowly pulled the soon past her full lips making a sound of pleasure that hit Dean down low.

‘I want to try that one again’. Cas husked.

‘You like the chocolate huh’ the vendor smiled ‘the ladies always love chocolate, _gets em every time’_.

‘Double chocolate cone _stat_ ’ Dean hissed.

The vendor hurriedly piled chocolate ice cream onto a cone and handed it to Cas while addressing Dean. ‘Okay that will be-

‘-Why do you not believe I can buy my own confection, do you assume Dean will pay because I appear female to you? Are you the kind of male who believes females incapable of fiscal solvency?’

The vendor looked thoroughly confused.

‘Cas, um, what are you doing?’

‘Please stay out of this Sam, this man believes that Dean is buying me this confection so he can derive some kind of bizarre sexual pleasure from watching me eat it’ Cas turned back to the vendor practically growling ‘ _why would you have such a depraved mind?_ ’

‘Dean this is your fault, _fix it now_ ’. Sam barked’.

‘Dean has made a gesture of friendship and celebration and _you’_ Cas growled glaring at the vendor ‘are attempting to turn it into something sordid’.

‘Er lady are you crazy or something? -Hey pal is your lady friend her nuts or something?’

Castiel’s eyes began to glint dangerously. ‘I am not some _mad broad_ -whatever a broad is’.

The sky suddenly darkened and strong gusts of wind buffeted around them whipping Castiel's hair, her glowing eyes making her look other-worldly as people ran around chasing after escaping sun hats and newspapers baffled by the sudden strong wind. ‘I am not disrupting your commerce’ Castiel roared _‘How dare you think that I am the cause of the problem here! **You are the one that was thinking disgusting thoughts!**_ ’

‘Er Cas-

‘-Be quiet Sam, this human is sorely lacking in courtesy and respect, I will not allow him to- lightning struck a few feet away from the vendor, obliterating half of his ice-cream stand as he fell to the ground like a stone.

Dean rushed past Cas and Sam called 911 as she stood there looking horrified. Dean touched the man’s neck relieved to find he was still alive, but his pulse was weak, and he was barely breathing. Cas moved next to him, and he wondered that he could notice the warmth of her body and the softness of her skin at a time like this. Cas reached down and touched the man’s forehead while he crouched closer blocking people's view so they wouldn’t see her glowing hand as she healed him.

‘He's fine, he's just in shock', Dean barked at the concerned onlookers, ‘let’s give him some air people, ambulance is on its way’.

Dean put the vendor in the recovery position while taking in Castiel's expression. She looked spooked, just like back at the vintage dress shop when she’d accidently knocked out the dress assistant with the bee-hive after mistaking her attempts to find out her cup size- sans tape measure- as trying to feel her up. The big difference here was that happened out of sheer panic, this seemed to have been prompted by lightning strike inducing rage, _way more serious._

‘Cas, don’t worry about it, he’ll be fine’ but he was talking to thin air, _Cas had disappeared._


	21. Rocky Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all scream for Ice Cream, Rocky Road. What? I happen to enjoy food based punnery ;D

‘Cas?’

‘Yes’.

‘I'm not complaining but how come you're calling me instead of Dean? He's literally tearing up half the city looking for you’.

‘... I cannot speak with Dean right now, his thoughts are...

‘Look you don’t have to tell me what's going on with you or why you're avoiding Dean if you don’t want to, just tell me where you are okay’

Thankfully Cas wasn’t far away and actually listened to him when he begged her not to use any more mojo right now and let him come meet her.

#  ** **************** **

Cas was sitting on a park bench looking so confused and forlorn it was hard to believe she was actually a near omnipotent celestial being. Seeing her now it was little wonder Dean was falling all over himself to help her, she really did make a very cute lady. Unlike his brother, he could acknowledge that and even feel a little unnecessarily protective without getting on all fours and salivating like a dog with a damn hair fetish, seriously, Dean right now, _what and the hell!_

Cas seemed lost in thought, the wind whipping her mop of insane hair that held his brother’s perverse fascination into a frenzy. Since the wind didn’t seem to be particularly strong anywhere else he had to assume it was a reflection of her inner turmoil.

‘Hey Cas’

‘Hello Sam’.

‘Look um, if you just want to sit here, that’s cool, I can hang, but we might want to get back to the Inn and keep working on fixing what's happened to you'.

‘Dean does not want me to fix it. It is clear to me now that he prefers this vessel to my previous form’.

‘I think prefer is an understatement Cas, I think words like obsessed, fetish, and besotted are more accurate’.

Cas sighed.

‘So if we’re gonna sit out here, and grab some late afternoon rays, mind if I do some research on my phone?’.

‘… Sam’.

‘Yeah’.

‘Do you… do you think I am ruining Dean?’

‘Woah! Where did that come from?’

‘The way he is drawn to this form does not seem natural, it is as if his senses are overwhelmed, I do not understand how or why, so I am powerless to stop it. This has become a bone of contention between you two and-

‘-First off Cas if we weren’t squabbling about this it would probably be something else, not that I'm not seriously pissed with him over the way he's been acting, but us fighting is just how we deal sometimes, we live in each other’s pockets most of the time, and we’re brothers, it comes with the territory’.

‘Yes, but your bond is more than just that of brothers, your souls are-

‘-Cas seriously, _please do not_ … Look it took me a long time to get my head around that, because ultimately it means I may never have what I have with Dean with anyone else, that every other relationship will be second place. I had to face that and deal, because contrary to the what Charlie likes to tell me fanfic writing pervs think, I am not harbouring any desire to bang my idiot brother. I mean seriously how would that even work? If any of them had actually met Dean they would understand the battle for who tops alone would cause a permanent stalemate. And even if we sorted out that quagmire and say went versatile, it wouldn’t change the fact that he drives me nuts most of the time, in fact, I'm not even sure our relationship would really change other than the incest, which again, ugh, _no thanks_. My point is, I thought about it, because apparently you have to when someone you trust just says that to your face, and I decided two things. 1; no, just no; -and 2: I was never going to discuss it with Dean, ever. He's probably thought about it two and come to the same conclusion’.

‘So you are saying as long as you never speak of it, then it is somehow not real’.

‘…Well, yes’.

‘That makes little sense Sam’.

Sam shrugged.

‘I cannot always understand the bond you have with Dean. I also share a bond with him; however, it is currently making things complicated’.

‘Yeah, I've heard the things you say he's thinking and I can only say, I'm glad I can't read his damn mind, if only because I can only punch him in the face so many times in one day’.

Cas sighed. ‘I do not know what to do to fix it... to fix him’.

‘I think the only thing we can do is figure out who did this to you and why, and then maybe we can figure out why it’s turning Dean from just being the biggest perv I know to possibly the biggest perv the universe has ever seen’.

Cas stood up, ‘You are right Sam we should return to the Inn, strengthen the wards and do what research we can, we may yet uncover something that can help’.

Sam stood and they began walking back towards the Inn. ‘Cas, look, don’t worry about Dean alright, I'm pretty sure what's up with him now is not actually life threatening, and it would take more than a newly discovered hair fetish to ruin Dean -Cas _look out!_ –

The car heading for them was driving way to fast almost hitting them before swerving at the last minute as the driver stuck his head out yelling expletives as if _they_ were the ones who had almost caused an accident.

‘Is that jerk nuts! Hey Cas you okay? Cas?’ Sam looked around ‘Cas where did you g- oh no, no-no-no-no-no’ Sam repeated running over to Cas as fast as he could,‘-Um, Cas, maybe um stop that, I mean you're okay right?’

‘Yes, why would I not be?’ Cas snapped.

‘Er no reason’ Sam's eyes were wide ‘it's just your kinda holding the back of a car off the ground one handed, _in public’_.

‘Well he nearly ran us over’ Cas growled whipping around to face Sam ‘the park sign says this area is for pedestrians only, _he is not supposed to drive here-_

‘-Yeah okay, I get that Cas’ Sam tried his best for calm and soothing, ‘but people are staring and some are _filming_ , so could you just maybe think about putting the car down?’

Just like with the ice cream vendor the sky began to darken and Castiel looked murderous for a moment, then as if nothing had happened she released the car.

‘That's good Cas that's good’ Sam soothed trying to lead her away.

‘You crazy bitch’ the driver roared ‘I don’t give a shit what kind of freak-juice you're on, you're going to hear from my lawyer for touching my Porsche, it cost more than your sasquatch girlfriend over here has ever seen in his life’.

Sam closed his eyes muttering _‘so close’._

Cas whipped around at lightning speed dragging the screaming driver out of the car and tossing him straight up into the sky as if he were a tennis ball she intended to serve.

‘Cas!’ Sam shouted in disbelief as the onlookers went from stunned to a frenzy of tweeting, Facebooking, Instagramming, and selfie taking.

‘What?’ she snarled her expression so vindictive he backed up a step, ‘he's an ass face… hole, whatever. _He deserves it’_.

‘Cas!’

‘Fine’ she rasped catching the screaming man before he splattered to his death, she tossed him to the ground anyway jabbing him with her foot for good measure before crouching down and getting in his face. ‘You better learn the correct procedure concerning the right of way for pedestrians human or I will return to you while you sleep and cause you to permanently lose your mental faculties, as well as control over your bladder, do you understand me?’

‘What are you?’ the man screeched in terror ‘what the hell are you, what are you going to do to me?!’

‘If you require specifics, the process is similar to a lobotomy; however, surgery is not required-

‘-Cas’ Sam begged as she looked up at him and a camera flash went off in her face, she looked like she was about to charge the onlooker to Sam's horror when she suddenly took in her surroundings; people were pushing and jostling each other trying to get a better shot and police sirens were growing louder and louder, almost certainly heading there way. ‘Cas, _we need to get out of_ -

‘-here’ Sam stumbled as he landed awkwardly back his room at the Inn. ‘Cas, tell me you _did not_ just make us vanish in front of all those people?!’

Castiel opened her mouth to say something and then fell forward. Sam caught her and she looked up at him, their eyes locking for a moment.

‘Damn it’ Sam barked as she disappeared. He dialled Dean's number. ‘Dean I'm guessing you're still out looking for Cas, call me when you get this. His phone rang almost immediately, ‘You can stop looking for Cas I found her-

‘-How and where the hell did you find her? _I've been looking everywhere’._

‘Well, she called me and-

 _ **‘-Why the hell did she call you instead of me?!’**_ Dean raged.

 _‘How the hell should I know!’_ Sam fired back ‘Probably because one of us is treating her like a friend and one is being a lecherous, perverted-

-Sam held the phone away from his ear, as Dean bellowed ‘ _what in the hell Sam, **is she alright?!’**_

 _‘Of course she’s alright!_ I would have led with it if something was wrong’.

‘Well put her on the phone, _I wanna talk to her **right now!’**_

‘Well she’s not exactly here this second’.

‘YOU LOST HER?!’

‘No I didn’t lose her Dean _because she’s not a damn purse_ , she’s free to come and go as she-

‘- _She’s not a hundred percent Sam_ \- WHAT THE!’ Sam held the phone away from his ear again as Dean bellowed _‘ ** _w_ hy the hell is Cas on the news Sam**?’_

‘Um, about that’

Dean _did not_ like that tone, it was Sam's - _so there has been a colossal cluster fuck, but all that’s going to be fine so long as you remain calm-_ tone. **He fucking hated that tone.** ‘Sam, _Spill it,_ _NOW!’._

‘Soooo there was this thing with Cas’.

‘What god damned thing! _Why is she on the news?!’_

‘Just calm down’.

‘Sam, _I swear to god’._

‘Alright so um, she may have got a little upset with this driver who almost ran us over and then started mouthing off, and she may have used her powers a little in front of- _oh hell it's gone viral_. Just look on YouTube it's everywhere. Dean, you better get back to the Inn, we need a plan to button this up before it gets any worse’.

‘ _Screw that_ , I have to find- _**GODDAMNIT!!!**_ Dean slammed on the breaks as Cas appeared beside him. ‘Cas, seriously this has got to stop you can’t keep…’ Cas looked forlorn and Dean looked skyward, sighed, and threw the impala into reverse.

#  ** **************** **

Cas had apparently disappeared on Dean again on the way back. Dean's “ _the hell should I know?”_ when he asked why, told him it probably had something to do with the constant litany of dirty thoughts in Dean's head and her just not wanting to deal, _and why should she?_

When Cas didn’t turn up for hours afterwards and was ignoring Dean's calls Dean started praying to her. When that also failed he started, well freaking out was the best way to put it, and was now alternately bellowing her name into the sky while pacing a rut into the Inn's nice fluffy carpet.

Sam was now ignoring Dean because nothing he could say could get him to calm down, so he'd given up, choosing instead to try to deal with the cluster fuck that was Cas all over the damn internet performing both feats of superhuman strength and actions the authorities might construe as attempted manslaughter.

‘Cas’, Dean begged into the air, having paced himself into a frenzy, ‘you can be mad at me all you want, I just need to know you’re okay, please, _I'm begging you_ , please just come back’.

Cas appeared in the room.

‘Where the hell have you been?’ Dean bellowed at the exact same time Cas rasped ‘I am sorry for what occurred with the vendor’.

‘I kinda think it's the vendor you should be apologising to not us’ Sam smiled.

‘I also regret what happened with that reckless driver, well, I regret that I was witnessed-

‘-Who cares about that?!’ Dean shouted ‘Cas, what did I say about zapping- Wait, _hell no she doesn’t need to apologise’_ Dean snapped rounding on Sam, ‘that driver got what he deserved, and as for that asshole vendor, _that guy was being a jerk, I say he got what was coming to him_ ’.

‘Actually, he was only _thinking_ about how much of a jerk _you_ were being!’ Sam snapped incensed. ‘How could he not when it was so obvious what you were up too? Face it Dean, Cas freaked out because of thoughts prompted by _your_ douche-bag actions!’

‘Yeah right’ Dean seethed back, ‘he was being a jerk all on his own’.

‘Cas nearly fried a man because of you!’

‘Cas don't listen to Sam, you have _nothing_ to apologise for, you’re not to blame, if it's anyone's fault-’

‘If, I'm sorry, **_IF_** , it’s anyone’s fault!’

‘Sam would you _shut up_ , I'm talking to Cas here’.

‘Get bent Dean! She wouldn’t have even been there in the first place if it wasn't for you! _This whole damn thing is your fault asshat!’_

‘Okay, you are _done_ with calling me that today’.

‘ _Oh, I’m not even getting started, **you ass**_. She could have seriously hurt that guy! That lightning strike could have attracted the attention of the still, as yet unknown, bad guy or guys who messed with her vessel and screwed up her mojo, we still don’t know who they are, why they did this, what they want, and if they are trying to track her’.

‘We put a protection spell on her Sam, she can’t be tracked’.

‘By anything we know off, but there’s probably a butt-load we don’t know off, because isn’t there always, so keeping a low profile while we work the plan to fix this is her best protection! something that would be your first priority if someone hadn’t shazamed you into Kansas' answer to Cassa-frigging-nova.

Sam glared at Dean, _really_ glared at him and Dean sagged the fight going out of him as he rubbed his forehead tiredly _._

__

__

___Sam was right, he had been acting like an idiot all day and he'd put Cas in danger as a result, that wasn’t like him, he would literally rather die than have anything bad happen to her, he'd felt that way even before the change. He would **never** intentionally risk or hurt Cas. So, what the hell was going on with him? It was like he couldn’t control himself, this went far beyond a horn-dog or whatever else Sam was saying about him, what he did today was just plain stupid, but he'd just wanted to be with her, to spend time with her… like a date, Sonofabitch - **did he seriously almost unravel the damn sweater over a stupid date?!**_ 
_Yeah, he did. He'd wanted to take her out for ice-cream like he did with dates in the past when he was still young enough to take simple innocent pleasure in taking a cute girl out for ice-cream and watching her get her face all messy licking at the cone and wishing the cone was him. he'd wanted to do that with her, and kiss the sweet taste from her lips afterwards, and watch her smile, and call him an idiot, like she knew what he'd been up to all along, kids stuff, -well horny teenage kid stuff- but still …only Cas wouldn’t have known it was all part of the fun of dating, in fact she’d flipped her lid when she’d read the vendors thoughts, she hadn’t believed he was actually doing anything ‘sordid’._ 
_She didn’t get it. How could she? you had to grow up human to get it, go through an awkward teen horny phase to get it, grow into a man who couldn’t quite let that part of himself go even as an adult, and in her case, then turn from a man who knew all that stuff into a woman on the receiving end of the stuff, who would then actually think it was still cute- yep just **thinking** about it was making him feel ridiculous; worse, he was playing with fire, this wasn’t a game, and he wasn’t this stupid. Sam was right, something was… **wrong** with him_.  


‘Alright, I screwed up okay, I just thought we could all use some Ice-Cream-

‘-Bullshit’, Sam coughed angrily into his fist.

‘ _Okay_ , I did think maybe think about…’ Dean's voice suddenly became barely audible ‘watching you eat it- _but in my defence-_

-Sam cleared his throat loudly, glaring at Dean, daring him to try defending the indefensible.

Dean sagged defeated ‘Look I'm just sorry that whole thing happened -but you can't just leave like that, _I was worried!’_

‘I left to find answers regarding the loss of control of my powers but none are forthcoming’.

I’'m sorry if you don’t feel you can talk to me, if my heads a horror show to you, I'm sorry, brain me if you have to, turn me into Hodar, I don’t care, as long as I can fight by your side and protect you, if something happened to you Cas, I don’t…

Cas locked eyes with Dean and surprised him by gently touching the side of his face. It was a baffling new gesture, something she did of late that she never did when she was male-Cas, and it made him putty in her hands, hers to mould and shape to his will, and just like when he'd gone to rescue her at the motel room he knew that he would do anything for her, _anything_.

‘I do not revile you because of your thoughts Dean, this situation we find ourselves in is not of our own making’.

Dean was drawing her into his arms before he even realised he moved, and once again it felt completely natural to hold her against his body, to let the world fall away as he savoured the savage thrill of excitement at her leaning into his embrace, once again his head lowered of its own accord, their lips inches apart, and he gave up fighting his feelings, leaning down and pressing his lips to hers, his body going up in flames as he struggled to control his reaction, taking a deep breath and resting his forehead against hers, breathing the same air as her, _lost in just being with her…_

 _Sam looked skyward and shook his head. Dean **said** that he got it, that he understood Cas was off limits and why, **so when in the hell was he going to start acting like it exactly?**_...

He took a longer harder look at his brother...

_He'd never seen Dean like this before, was this just what Dean was like when he was in love? He'd never really seen it up close, he hadn’t been around when Dean first met Cassie or for most of his relationship with Lisa. The only love he saw from Dean was familial, the love he had for their Dad, for Bobby, for him. Dean's love was fierce, loyal, and where it was directed at him all-consuming, to the point he’d admitted how far it would make him go scared even him…_ 
_When the whole world had turned against him and Dean had stood in his corner ready to fight and die to the end. Bobby and Cas were there but he knew at that point they were there for Dean not him, and he didn’t mind it, in fact he was glad, Dean had needed them, but it was always the same thing, when people started calling monster and abomination, when everyone else was ready to let him go. Dean stayed, and he stayed because he loved him more than anyone else._ 
_If Cas' place in Dean's heart now rivalled..._ _or even surpassed his, was it really a stretch that Dean was so obsessed? Maybe it was easier to be angry with him for his non-stop lecherous behaviour because what lay beneath it was far scarier, far more terrifying. He was starting to suspect, given Dean's reaction, that part of the reason for changing Cas was to use Dean's amplified feelings for Cas to manipulate him, to sway him in the battles ahead_ 
_…His sway over his brother had cost Dean everything, **including his life** , and if Cas now had Dean's heart the way he did, it was bad, very bad, because no matter how close Dean and Cas were Dean had stood against Cas in the past, but the way he was acting now could only mean one thing..._ 
_Just like with him, Dean would stand by Cas no matter what, he would fight in her corner, he would take on all commers to protect her._ 
_It meant Dean would do **anything** for her._ 



	22. Wonder Woman vs Supergirl

Dean was pacing a new rut in the Inn’s carpet, laptop in hand, trying to figure out how to protect Cas from the internet. Cas was using the other laptop and Sam suddenly found himself wondering if he'd ever actually seen Cas using a computer before.

Cas was slowly typing away and squinting at the results as if unconvinced. Was she looking at a video post of her going all apocalypse now on that jerk driver earlier? Footage like that was just bound to bring out the crackpots and he'd bet they were claiming everything from secret government mutant programs to alien conspiracies in the comments.

Curiosity got the best of him as he shuffled his chair over to her and looked at the screen. Cas was actually searching the web rather than looking up posts about herself and was slowly typing:

_It was not too many words. However, I will abbreviate my search and try again as you suggest: Body sore and aching. Newly acquired female organs -particularly low in abdomen- sore and throbbing. Sudden irrational anger towards previous gender. Apparent loss of control over “mojo”. Possible causes, effective treatments, and long term remedies required._

Sam's brows rose and he cleared his throat awkwardly as what might be going on with Cas dawned on him. ‘um Cass, I think-

‘-Cas you're frigging trending on damn Twitter!’ Dean exclaimed. ‘It’s unbelievable. _Frigging kids and their damn smartphones_. Cas Come look at this’.

‘There is little point Dean. Cas squinted at the screen as it again told her the search terms were too long. ‘I cannot currently um, _Windex_ so many people spread so far. I can only hope people continue to believe it is entertainment’.

‘Don’t worry Cas', Sam tried for reassuring as Cas started typing again. 'It’s only on local news, and I’ve got Charlie on it. She's already hit YouTube, Twitter and Facebook, and the news channel with a heavyweight copyright claim. It's fake of course, but she's good and they bought it. She just texted me that they're taking it down as we speak, and the news channel is already reporting it as a hoax’.

‘Never would have happened, and we wouldn’t have to drag Charlie into this, if you got your windswept head out of your ass long enough to do something to stop it’.

‘You can't seriously be trying to blame this on me Dean! You're the one who started this whole thing, you're the only reason she was in the damn park in the first place, and if she almost smited two people today, guess what that’s on you as well, _and you know it!’_

‘ _What I know is I'm not the one on frigging camera **jackass**!_ Nice hair Sam. Classy. _Way to intervene before she got all smitey and tossed the jerk into the sky._ I mean you nearly pulled my arm out of the socket at the party when you stopped me from punching that jerk that was hitting on Cas, and you tipped that table with a ton of champagne filled glasses on it one-handed like it was nothing. So why didn’t you use your damn yeti-strength to drag Cass away _before_ she became a damn social media star **when we’re trying to keep _a low frigging profile!!’_**

‘I don’t want to hear from you about keeping a low profile after the crap you pulled today! -And I'm not restrain-an-angel-of-the-lord strong idiot!’

‘Yeah Sam, the way you just stand there screeching hysterically for her to stop kind of says that’.

_‘I did **not** screech’._

‘Really? Well that’s not what it looks like in the video, and I'm not the only one who thinks you look like a jerk. Here’s just one of the many, what do they call them, Twitter tirades? about you’.

_‘So I'm watching this totally fake-shaky phone footage promo for Wonder Woman,_ 
_What's with the buff action doll trying to tell /screech at her what to do?_ 
_If he's in the promo, then he's probably going to be in the movie, probably as “love interest”._ 
_Screw that! She doesn’t need some stupid love-interest._ 
_If buff-doll is gonna be cast as Diana’s “friend” like Steve in the series they better take some advice. BURN THAT GOD-AWFUL FUCKING SHIRT._ 
_And do NOT get me started on the cliché, windswept, 80’s He-man hair_ 
_#dianadoesnotneedadick #flannelsucks’._ 


‘You're making that up!’ Sam hissed snatching the laptop from Dean... ‘Oh my god. _Well “wonderfan” can suck it’._

Dean grinned as Sam continued to read. Scowling harder until he shook his head and put the laptop down in disgust. ‘Well at least people generally think it's a publicity stunt for a film, and it’s only being pulled to generate more buzz’.

‘Good’. Dean picked up the computer scrolling through more comments. The last thing we need is people thinking it's real because sooner or later the Men in Black would show up, and when Cas just up and disappears mid-interrogation they're gonna go Guantanamo on our asses thinking we're in league with the X-Men or E.T or something. -Although, technically I suppose you are an extra-terrestrial Cas. Good thing for all of us that you’re a damn site better to look at than E.T. _Damn_ that thing was fugly, am I right - _hey!’_

-Sam snatched the computer out of Dean’s hands. ‘Damn it’ Sam snapped.

‘More people ragging on your flannel fashion Sammy?’

‘No. I mean yeah, but just got a message from Charlie, some stupid blogger is piggy-backing off the drama, using it as clickbait instead of letting if frigging die like we want, and now Cas’s face is all over social media as Wonder Woman for a new TV series. Charlie says she’s taking stuff down as fast as she can, but thanks to this asshole its going viral again’.

‘What makes them think you're Wonder Woman?’ Dean mused looking Cas up and Down. ‘The long dark hair? The big blue eyes? The lifting cars with your bare hands? -You know, get you a huge pair of glasses and you're Diana Prince, season 2’.

‘ ** _You_** _,_ _watched wonder woman?’_

‘ _Hell yeah I watched Wonder Woman!_ The actress who played her'. -Dean whistled-. ' _spank bank material for life Sammy'._

‘You're a pig Dean’.

‘Oh I'm sorry my bank isn’t full of floppy-haired sensitive men, and G-milfs like yours Sam’.

‘Dean _I told you to shut up with that!_ You already got Cass believing I secretly wear makeup and seduce grandmothers for money! You keep telling her crap about me _and I'm gonna kick your ass -_ Oh no some people think she’s actually the new Supergirl for a Supergirl movie not a Wonder Woman TV series. Oh great! A flame war has broken out. That's the last thing we need!’ Sam studied the screen for a moment. …The Supergirl fans are arguing Cas isn't tall enough to be Wonder Woman, and the Wonder Woman fans are saying she's not blonde enough to be Supergirl, but in the movies Supergirl had dark hair when she was out of the suit, not that it made any sense, but-

‘-Sam quit fangirling and get Charlie on it, _Now_! Cas you might as well come see this, because like it or not you're famous’.

‘Don't want to be famous’ Cas groaned clutching her stomach and wincing.

‘Hey Cass are you alright? Dean exclaimed. Are you sick or something? -wait, can you even get sick?’

'Oh, about that'. Sam ran his hand through his hair putting down the laptop. 'Cas we should probably talk. Well not you and me, no. I'm, urm, gonna call Jody and you and her can talk’.

‘Sam what are you rambling about? -Shut up. Cass _are you okay?’_

‘There is no cause for concern Dean’ Cas snapped doubling over in pain and disappearing just as Dean was rushing over to her. Dean's ear-splitting bellow of **_'sonofabitch'_** had Sam wincing and then shaking his head as Dean resumed what apparently was now his default setting whenever Cas was not right in front of his face.

His telling Dean to sit down, shut up, and stop behaving like a hysterical idiot resulted in Dean giving him the finger. Then he ignored him and went back to pacing another rut in the Inn’s carpet while yelling for Cas.

…Well. There was clearly no calming Dean down right now other than knocking him out… give it 20 minutes then revisit the idea. _Until then he was going to ignore the jackass right back!_

He texted Charlie asking if he could help. She sent him a laughing-till-I-cry emoji, and a message that read

 _Thanks bro_  
_but compared to me grasshopper_  
_your skills are so week_  
_it's borderline cute_

He couldn’t exactly disagree with that so he left her to it and did the only useful thing he could, -other than knocking Dean out- and called Jody. Cas needed someone to talk to who could relate and he might be more evolved than his Neanderthal of a brother but there was still no way he or Bobby were equipped for that awkward conversation.

#  ** **************** **

Castiel reappeared in the impala on the way to the office.

She was dressed like a sultry seductress from a film noir, even without Dean's help and he could just slap his idiot brother in the head for convincing her that dressing like a walking heart attack was normal.

Her hair was all swept to one side emphasising the beauty of her graceful neck and the delicate perfection of her shoulders in a strapless black vintage dress with the curved bust line that clung to her ample curves. He had no idea how it was staying on and one glance at Dean said he was thinking the same thing, although, given that Dean seem to be having trouble breathing he was likely thinking less about how her dress was staying on and more about taking it off'.

'Dean, do _not_ start' he growled under his breath. 'Hi Cas, everything ok?'

‘I am fine Sam and ready to focus on the mission'.

'Well I'm glad you're alright Cas, that's just peachy, of course it would have been nice to know that yesterday when I was yelling my head off for you. I called you Cas, over and over, I even prayed to you but you didn't come. Do you know how worried I was?!'

'I am often able to sense your emotions as well as your thoughts although I seldom understand either. Yesterday it became… overwhelming’.

'Well if you know what I'm thinking and feeling then you know enough to understand what it does to you when you just disappear like that!' Dean finally seemed to realise he was yelling and ran his hand over his face, holding up his palms in surrender. 'I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. Just, where were you? Please tell me you weren't doing anything reckless like trying to work the case on your own'.

'It is not my intention that my absence cause you distress. However, I have often been away from you and your brother for prolonged periods and you were never this concerned'.

'That's not true Cas. I might not always have said it as much but I've _never_ liked it when you just up and disappear on us, _and you know it'._

'I am sorry Dean'.

'You know you say that Cas, but you keep doing it'.

'Flying, or zaping as you put it is second nature to me Dean. like breathing is to you. I will endeavour to give a warning before doing so future if it will lessen your concern'.

'A heads up would be nice Cas. _That way you can listen to me telling you not to fucking do it'._

 ** _'Dean'_** Sam snapped.

Dean sighed and ran his hand over his face. ‘I'm sorry Cas. I just don't know how many different ways I can say it. We don't know what's going on, you can't just go off on your own like that, you need backup. Me, Sam, and Bobby are it, and we can't just zap around the world like you so you gotta stick with us. How are we supposed to help if someone or thing attacks you and you're in fucking Australia or someplace and we can't get to you in time to help. granted, I get that Sam wasn't a lot of help yesterday-

‘-You wanna talk about who wasn't helping what yesterday!' Sam fumed.

'No I don't. Shut up. -Cas please I'm begging you, please **_please_** just _try_ to stop zapping out every 5 minutes. **Please.** _It's driving me nuts'._

Cas stared at Dean in the rear-view mirror and Dean seem to be torn between convincing and just staring back at her transfixed.

'Okay Dean' Cas rasped, their gazes locked. 'I will try... Sam I received a call from Sherrif Mills at your behest. Thank you’.

‘No sweat. I hope it helped’.

‘Yes. It was very informative. Thank you’.

‘No problem Cas’. -as long as it had been helpful then it had been worth Jody Mills laughing herself sick at him when he'd totally flaked and said he needed her to talk to Cas about possibly having her, um, _er-hem_.

Jody, had ribbed him mercilessly, really making him work for it. ‘Her er-hem? What's that Sam? Does she have Measles? Gout? Diphtheria? I'm not a doctor. How can I help newly-turned lady friend? Is there something you think only I can do? Look Sam, I'm here for you. I wanna help, just please tell me how?’

 _Ha-Ha, very funny Mills_. _She knew exactly what he meant **and she’d made him say it anyway!**_ She’d actually sounded like she was crying with laughter by the time he hung up the phone awkward and red-faced… Give him a wendigo any day over ever having to face that conversation again. If he ever lived long enough to have a teenage daughter, he would leave that talk to her mother as nature intended… So, maybe he wasn’t quite as evolved as he thought. But then he'd been comparing himself to Dean when he'd thought that about himself. _Talk about setting a low bar._

‘What’s this Sam, outsourcing your girl talk to Jody?’

‘Get bent Dean’.

‘There’s no way Mills knows more about the right kind of panties than me’ Dean grumbled, 'and if this is about a female thing, I happen to have the maturity to-

‘-Dean, I will crash this car _just to get you to **stop talking.**_ Cas will be fine, we'll both be dead of course, but the upside of that is I'll finally get you to **shut up** once and for all'.

'Jokes on you Sammy, we share a heaven remember?'

‘Don't remind me. I'll have Ash make you a muzzle'.

'Ooh Kinky, and here I was thinking you were vanilla’. Dean smiled, looking Sam up and down his expression a mixture of mocking and leering, ‘You think you know a guy'.

_'Annnd we're crashing the car'._

'Oh come on Sam. Relax! So your BDSM secret is out. We can talk about it later. Don't worry I'm not judging, - _I will want details though'._

Sam's jaw clenched in a Grim line while Dean smirked as they pulled up to the building where they fake-worked. When Cas getting out of the car and revealing that her classic silk stockings had seams up the back practically put Dean on his knees Sam's jaw clenched another angry fraction.

#  ** **************** **

Dean sighed.

_Another day at fake work, another day of getting closer to stealing the artefact that could help Cas._

_Not that he was complaining about helping Cas. He was all about helping her. For Cas, he'd gladly bag the thinga-ma-whatsit, find the other piece, join it with the piece they'd already bagged, and do whatever the hell they were supposed to do with them so they could figure out, find, capture, shoot, torture, and beat-up whoever messed with Cas._

_-And when he'd finished kicking a permanent mojo fix out of every square inch of their ass and they'd fessed up to how and why they body swapped Cas in the first place he'd kill the sunuvabitch, but not for the body swapping part. That he wasn’t mad about. In fact, he might even thank whoever it was for that bit right before he ganked them._

_Was it really so wrong that he just wanted to help Cas get back control of her mojo in the body she was in now? Screw it, he wasn’t wrong. Why the hell were Bobby and Sam hell bent on turning her back into a dude anyway? Where was the sense in that if it didn’t need to happen? **Anyone could see this was just better.**_

Dean shifted in the impala and sighed to himself.

_Where the hell was Cas anyway? Five more minutes and he was going to go look for her. He'd had all he could take for one day, he needed to get out of here sooner rather than later. It had taken all his restraint not to punch, stab, or shoot any of the douche-bags that worked here right in their stupid leering faces today as Css sashayed about the place leaving chaos in her wake while he hijacked the security cameras on her floor to watch over her. **Watch** , not stalk as Sam said._

_How the hell did she learn to walk Like that anyway? -oh wait, that may have been him and the Marilyn Monroe DVDs. -Damn. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But the words havoc, chaos, and devastation didn’t quite cover the effect. Every man in the building seemed to be making excuses to come to her floor and bother her today. Most of the jerks didn’t even try to pretend it was about work, or “team building” anymore and just went straight for the sexual harassment. The **bastards**._

_Today had been a constant stream of Strained necks, strained eyes, and probably strained wrists judging by the amount of suspicious dashes to the men’s room and emerging looking flushed after talking to her. Sam was right, **men were pigs**. But that didn’t give them license to behave like it to Cas. It wasn’t her fault she was frigging irresistible._

‘Do you even realise you're talking out loud Dean? _You ass!-'_

_-shit! He'd forgotten Sam was there!-_

'-As for this “Irresistible effect” Cas supposedly has, have you noticed the bit where it’s not affecting me or Bobby? Doesn’t that put a dent in your stupid theory?’ 

‘Yeah, well, not being physically attracted to women is a fundamental part of being gay Sammy. -That and banging dudes, and Bobby’s gone all paternal on her, so that explains that’.

‘ _God_ _you're a moron’._

 _Cas suddenly appeare_ d in the backseat of the car making both brothers jump.

‘There you go Dean, she's here, all of three minutes late so you can call off the national guard. Hi Cas, Dean's been worse than a jilted groom pining away-'

‘-Sam, Dean. I would like to apologise again for what happened yesterday. Your friend Charlie has handled most of the fallout from the um _incident_ but such a loss of control is humiliating… and difficult to explain’.

‘Look just forget about it Cas. No one died and everybody thinks it was a hoax. Right now, I'm more concerned with you just appearing in this car out of thin air. I'm glad you’re okay and you're here, but I thought we agreed, _no more zapping. That means in and out!’_

‘… Do I really smell more um, appetising to you than usual right now?’

‘You know what- _I've had it!’_ Sam growled glaring at Dean and grabbing the keys to the impala. It’s your smiting and funeral. _I'm done!’_

Dean winched as Sam nearly slammed the door off its hinges.

‘Do not like the way that overgrown bastard keeps snagging my car keys, _like I can't be trusted with my own baby!’_

‘I believe it has something to do with your continued misthinking regarding fornication in the back seat of this vehicle. I am familiar with the confines and dimensions of the back seat and do not believe anything so athletic as what you are imagining could realistically occur, there is simply not enough leg room. -Also define my supposed _appetising scent_ as you know I am trying to monitor your olfactory responses to this vessel to try to determine cause, effect, and treatment’.

‘…So the scent is making you physically hungry?... -Hmm, well, I can not clearly state the nutritional value of that particular practice. Suffice it to say it is likely not the best source of sustenance, with only trace amounts of protein to be derived in the case of a male ingesting sexual fluids from a female. The reverse also applies, albeit in slightly greater quantities of amino acids, carbohydrates-'

‘-I'm going to dig out my own brain _with my keys_ … ** _as soon as Sam gives them back to me’._**

‘...Oh, I see, I have this wrong, you were in no way thinking of the term “eating” in regards to the consuming and digestion of liquid sustenance. You were thinking of it _solely_ in terms of sexual practices... I, um, do not know the correct protocol with which to respond’.

‘Oh really, _you're_ feeling awkward, **_really_** _ **Cas**?’_

‘I am unsure of how best to convince you that your sexual fantasies regarding this vessel may appear realistic in your mind but remain logistically impossible. It is simple physics Dean-'

‘-My head Cass’ Dean groaned letting his face thud loudly on the dashboard. ‘ _Any progress with staying the hell out of it yet?’_

‘I have tried Dean, as per your many requests. It is difficult to explain but I do not have the same level of control over this vessel as I did in my previous one’.

‘Er yeah Cass, you nearly nuking the ice cream vendor yesterday made that pretty clear!’

Castiel's cheeks pinkened as Dean watched her in the rearview mirror and his eyes narrowed because talk about adorable, _and friggin sexy as hell_. The memory didn’t help either, because she might be deadly when she was angry but she was also seriously smoking hot. _No not now. Don't get fucking hard now_ he groaned internally. The deeper blush of her cheeks said she heard that thought and Dean resisted the urge to break something, or take Cas into his arms and…

Although there was little point since she knew what he was thinking, he struggled for inner calm, because what the hell else could he do? ‘Um, you wanna maybe talk about how things got so out of hand back then? I've seen you face down Lucifer with more calm and control. What the hell happened?’

‘I would rather… it's difficult to explain Dean. I would rather not say right now. I am working on it I promise you, I will regain full control soon’.

‘Okay Cas. Whatever you say’.

‘You used to argue with me frequently, and threaten me with violence regularly in my previous form’.

‘Yeah, well…’.

‘Well what?

‘Erm… Cas your kinda…’ _smoking hot and adorable at the same time._ ‘Um _different_ now, I mean you don't just look different you seem a little different'. Dean ran his hand over his face, 'maybe I just don't wanna argue with you okay’.

‘Okay’. Cas answered in a small voice and Dean could have sworn her full lower lip was trembling and his mouth fell open in horror. What the hell had he said wrong? -Wait since when did Angel’s and his generally stoic Cas in particular get teary eyed on him?!

Sam slammed his way back into the car. ‘Not like I could leave for long because you can't be trusted Dean, _and you had better not be trying anything-_ Cas what’s wrong? **_Dean what the hell did you do?’_**

‘Nothing!’

Sam eyed Dean angrily, ‘Yeah, then why does she look like she's about to cry?’

_‘I don't know Sam, it’s probably seeing your ugly mug!'_

‘Cas are you alright? Did my idiot brother upset you? -Dean what the hell is going on here?’

_Castiel vanished._

**_‘Sonuvabitch!’_** Dean barked letting his head fall back on the dashboard.

#  ** **************** **

Dean had the feeling he was being watched as he bolted upwards. ‘ _Cas how many frigging times with the creepy sleep watching!_ -Hey, you’re back! _What the hell do you mean zapping out on me twice in one day after you promised_ -

‘-I am sorry Dean'.

‘Cas what’s going on. Talk to me. What were you so upset about earlier in the car? -Before you disappeared on me, _again’._

Castiel sighed and looked away. 'I find the way you’ve been treating me differently ...disconcerting. It is… as if you no longer see me as your friend’.

‘ _What?!_ ’

‘It seems like I have become this… fragile burden to you that-

‘-Wait, wait a minute, you're saying you **_want_** me to threaten to kick your ass?!’

‘Yes. I think that would… feel like you and me again’.

‘Look Cass, you're kind of…’ _Adorable and smoking hot._ ‘Um, _different_ now, and I have a lot of faults but hitting innocent chicks is not… -Cas I'm sorry I can't help treating you differently now okay, but we can talk about that later, for right now, are you okay? You kinda look exhausted’.

‘I think I am… It is strange, my powers are returning and yet I still- Cas yawned and then looked embarrassed.

‘Cas, you look like you’re about to keel over’. Dean pulled back the covers and smiled. ‘look get in. No funny business I promise. _Scouts honour’._

Cas seemed to damn tired to take off her own shoes but she managed it and slid in next to him. He considered having her sleep behind him because spooning was going to get him going whether he liked it or not, but then having her rack pressed up against his back was not exactly going to be a cake walk either. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how he looked at things, she lay on her back barely touching him. The minimal contact they had _set him on fire_ and he gave up his idea of holding her in bed moving back and laying on his side to give her space, **before he frigging combusted!**

_…_ 
_..._ 
_Why's the damn sky purple… Am I high? Wait since when am I outside? I'm dreaming, aren’t I? Wait am I dead? **Again.** Did Walt and Roy’s ghost come and try the motel room massacre shit on us again, **where’s Sammy?!** ’_ 
_Please be calm Dean. No such thing could occur with me beside you. I do not have full control of my powers but believe me I would smite any human who dared approach you with mal intent_ 
_Oh hey Cas- Wait did you whammy me? Is that why I fell asleep so fast?_ 
_… If I did, um, “whammy” you it was unintentional. Be assured you are not dead Dean, you are dreaming. Please continue to sleep_ 
_You're kidding right?_ 
_No I am serious. You **are** sleeping Dean I am merely saying do not wake_ 
_Not that. The bit where you are in my dream. Wait am I in your dream or are you in mine? Because it feels kinda… different, strange_ 
_… I do not know how such a thing is possible, but I believe we are sharing some kind of joint dream_ 
_Oh I get that, if it was all my dream you would be the girl version of you that's sleeping beside me right now_ 
_It's funny, the way you tilt your head to the side, and how blue your eyes are, and your mouth -it's the same when your a girl... Just getting weird... Kinda think I miss the coat but not on girl you. It's strange Cas, it's like I miss you but your right here_ 
_Yes, that is strange Dean_ 
_Purple sky just trippy..._ 
_Um Dean?_ 
_Mmm?_ 
_Do you think you could imagine a garden, I really beautiful garden. I am trying but to no avail_ 
_Urm, maybe, why?_ 
_I miss heaven Dean, well parts of it anyway, I used to spend my time in the heaven of a man who lived in a beautiful garden_ 
_You miss heaven huh? You’ve never said so before, but I guess it is your home, even if most of your brothers are evil dicks who are always trying to possess me and Sam and kill you. Okay Cass I’ll do my best_ 
_Dean? This is-_ 
_-Madison square garden Cas, the best garden ever and the best I can do. Hey dude, check it out, I got the dream mojo! Games about to start! Yeah, I remember this, me and Sam needed a little RnR so we went to this game between hunts. -You **sure** I'm not dead and reliving my best memories and you just don’t want to tell me?_ 
_Quite sure_ 
_Well okay. Since we’re here Cas, what’s say you and me grab us a dream foot-long and a beer or 10 and watch this bad boy? I’ll even explain the rules to you. **Again**. What do ya say? -Hey what’s that look about?_ 
_I am just relieved that you are once again treating me as you did before_ 
_Have I really been that bad? ...Yeah, I guess I have. Look Cas, I'm sorry about... Well, **everything.** The way I’ve been acting... I didn't mean to make things-_ 


_‘-Dean what the hell do you think you’re doing?!’_ Sam's angry hiss in his ear. _‘Wake up! **Right now!’**_

‘Shut up Sammy’ Dean yawned in his sleep cuddling up closer to Cas. ‘trying to sleep’.

#  ** **************** **

Dean woke up with his face pressed between Castiel's breasts, hoping he could pass off what was happening to him right now as morning wood even though it was late evening.

 _God damn it, was he half laying over Cas?_ He tried pulling away. He didn’t actually succeed since his body refused to have any part of separating from Cas, but he _tried_. Cas moved closer to him in her sleep and he held his breath against the electrical heat shooting through him, using every ounce of control he had to force himself to back away.

Dean ran to the bathroom with his hands slapped over his crotch trying to ignore Sam who was reheating the Chinese takeaway he bought back earlier while giving him _epic_ bitchface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ### 
> 
> Cut Scene:
> 
> The original twitter post by “wonder fan” was longer. But I realised I had gone into business for myself a little bit as a huge Wonder Woman fan! And it also meant “Wonderfan” had a legit point rather than just bitching about Sam's hair and flannel” But I thought I would put it here because damn it when Wonderfan is right she’s right!
> 
> ** curiobi  ** @ ~ . ~ @
> 
> _So I'm watching this totally fake-shaky phone footage promo for Wonder Woman._ 
_What's with the buff action doll trying to tell her what to do?_ 
_If he's in the promo, then he's probably going to be in the movie, probably as the stupid love interest._ 
_Screw that! I will hate it if this entire fucking film is about Diana finding a dick!_ 
_She’s an amazon. She was made from clay! No dick involved_ 
_And news flash sexist-asshole Hollywood execs. It's not every woman's life mission to find a dick._ 
_Can't we just one time, in one frigging major Hollywood Movie, have ONE female character whose whole life does not revolve around finding a dick?!_ 
_I mean, seriously, would it literally kill these assholes to try some actual female character development for a change?!_ 
_And if buff-doll is gonna be cast as Diana’s ”friend” like Steve in the series then they better take some advice. BURN THAT GOD AWFUL FUCKING SHIRT._ 
_And do NOT get me started on the cliché, windswept, He-man hair!_ 
_#dianadoesnotneedadick_ 
_#flannelsucks’._ 

> 
> ### 
> 
> Still not sure I got what you need? Why not check out my [_**curiobi Master Fic List**_](http://fanficpics.wixsite.com/curiobi-fic-list)
> 
> There's a brief intro including a post ~~rant~~ about corporate a-holes trying to high jack our right to squee and ship who we want to! Then each chapter is a list of all my works in that particular Fandom. Please check it out I'm sure I have something for you gurl, and if not why not give me a prompt in the comments! ;D 


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